How to let this guy know I'm not interested?

I've been quite happily dating a guy for over two months. He hasn't talked about where it's going, but I'm not particularly concerned. I realize there's no point to rush things -- either they're meant to be or they aren't. We see each other at least once a week, usually two or three. We text/call regularly. We haven't had sex, but we kiss/make-out/etc.

There's another guy. I gave him my number before I started dating the first guy (three months ago, almost). I saw him twice in the next couple of weeks, but declined to good-bye kiss him. We didn't hold hands or anything. I preferred the guy I'm taking it slow with now.

I personally don't have any problem with dating multiple people before exclusivity is discussed (I don't have sex with them, and usually I won't even be physical beyond a short peck with multiple people). However, I've been with the first guy for two and a half months and everything's still good I have a feeling it'll head toward a real LTR after an adequate amount of "getting to know each other"/dating time.

My problem is such, that other guy still calls and texts and asks to hang out quite frequently. He's pining after me, he's clearly nervous (doesn't have a good poker face), and hasn't gotten the hint. He doesn't call it dating at this point, but it's clear he's interested. He'll call and ask what I'm doing and if that's ALL I'm doing, and it makes me feel guilty -- even though I know we aren't even together!

The second guy doesn't understand girls very well. If I had a boyfriend, I would tell him... but I don't generally disclose my dating life to friends before its official. We're still testing waters, and I don't want to make the first situation "serious" and "official" yet, but I don't really want to be seriously seeing anybody else either. I don't want to lead this second guy on.

When the second guy asks to hang out, I say we can "hang out as friends." He hasn't gotten the hint. I don't want to be mean, but should I tell the second guy he doesn't have a chance at all? Put him out of his misery? He's not calling it dating on the phone, so I don't want to be unnecessarily rude... but if I see him in person, he'll start calling it a date and I have to correct him.

It's not really true that the second guy doesn't have a chance at all: If things went sour with the first, he would have a chance under those circumstances. But things are good, I prefer the first guy, and currently he doesn't have a chance.

How much of an explanation should I give this second guy I'm not interested in right now? Should I tell him I'm dating somebody, even though it's not something I'd generally share so early? What if he still doesn't get the hint? Normally, I don't worry so much -- but after asking me out for three months, I'm afraid he'll get really hurt because he's just not getting the hint.


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What Guys Said 1

  • i don't understand why the 2nd guy isn't good enough for you, imagine how you would feel. you knew a guy would only settle for you if only other girls didn't work out

    anyway, just have a nice conversation with him and tell him it won't work out

    • They're both great people, and both are totally good enough for me.

      First person, I click with. The connection is just different from anything I've felt before and I really want to see where it goes, if anywhere.

      Second guy, still a really good person. If I'd met him any other time in my life, I'd have give him a chance. Right now I'm captivated by the first. I feel bad I can't give the 2nd guy that chance, but there's only one of me & my heart just isn't there.

      Thanks for the advice! :)

    • Ok, thanks for explaining that. as a guy, I just hate when my heart is stomped on because a girl doesn't think "i'm good enough". or I'm "good enough", but not as good as another guy. glad I was able to help.

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