Boyfriend of 11 years has been getting girls numbers on nights out (30+). He's deleted them but confessed to kissing 3 of them. What do I do?

We've been together nearly 11 years. 4 years ago I found a girls number in his phone after a night out. I spoke to the girl and she told me they made out a few times. He denied it and I believed it.
We've had a stressful 2 years where we have been building our dream home. It's been emotionally and financially draining. My boyfriend has been distant from me the past 2 years and I thought it was just the stress of the house. It made me distant from him too. But I thought we were OK. I went through his phone 2 weeks ago and found over 30+ girls numbers he has stored but deleted over the past 2 years (dates were shown on his outlook... Some connection from him phone to his iPad). I messaged all the numbers... One girl said they kissed a couple of times and he messaged her for 2 months but it was nothing more than small talk. 4 other girls came out saying they made out exchanged numbers but no texts after meeting. He confessed to texting the one girl and denied making out with girls. After 2 weeks of heartache he confessed to kissing 3 girls. He did go through a bad spell of depression, we both did, and it sounds weird but I can forgive the kissing (eventually) but what hurts is the 4 years of me thinking he's innocently out with friends but each time he's taking girls numbers. He says he deleted them all straight away but even so... Why take them? And I should mention he stored half of them under his mates names. I added them to my phone and saw the pics on whatsapp. They were all girls.

He's been so upset. He's been trying to make up for it. I know he's sorry. But Im so hurt. I don't even look at other guys when I'm out. I don't want to throw 11 years away but I don't know if I can move on from this. Can anyone explain his behavior? We've been engaged for 4 years and just finished our house. Am I holding on out of sheer desperation?


Most Helpful Guy

  • don't just forgive him instantly.. if u want all this should not happen again to u.. u must show him how u r and how he is.. he must be taking u for granted.. that whatever happens u r with him.. don't make urself anyone's safe deposit.. make him realize that he has done wrong whts the point of taking no. s.. nd kissing nd all wht the hell hw can u forgive him if u can then u shuld make urself prepare of fucking with another girl ..
    make him realize..

    • We did he go through a really bad patch. I'm not making excuses for him (maybe I am) but at the time he kissed the girls (that I know of) he was in a bad place he was doing drugs and hanging out with idiots. He wasn't himself. Everyone makes mistakes and as far as I know he didn't sleep with anyone. It hurts me more that he he's been getting numbers every time he went out. He's ignored the fact that he has a girl at home. I've given him everything. Everything. The fact that he can forget me every time he's out is what hurts. Maybe I know it's over and I don't want to admit it.

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    • Very sweet and honest reply. Thank you. I'm trying to move on.

    • pleasure :)

Most Helpful Girl

  • I'm hoping your age is wrong on this site because if not... that explains A LOT!

    And yes you're holding on out of sheer desperation. I get it that 11 years with someone is a long as time. But you have to ask yourself... do you love him enough to keep doing this? He only has remorse because he's been caught. It's one thing if it happened one time and he actually stopped but he keeps on and there are 30+ other women. He's bored at home or something is missing from this relationship. Quite frankly, I would be done with him. You have allowed him to be this way by constantly forgiving him. He's been doing this for years and he's not going to stop. You really need to find it yourself to "man up" and leave him. This relationship is extremely toxic.

    • I'm 34. A sad 34. I don't know what I've been doing all this time. I shouldn't have forgiven it 4 years ago. I know everyone is right... And I don't want to go through this 4 years from now and hate myself even more.

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What Guys Said 1

  • be brutal and make him feel guilty because he has stepped over you once and if you don't take any action now then this can happen again.
    I respect that at least he was honest and told you the truth but make him clear that you are strong and one more action like that can make you leave him

    • the girl with age 27 below has strong points. forget my opinion haha

What Girls Said 1

  • Am I holding on out of sheer desperation?
    Yes. He's cheated before, he's still cheating, and he's going to cheat again. Why? Because you let yourself stay in a situation with someone who cheats. Could they change? Sure, but not while you keep allowing their actions to have no consequences (i. e. staying despite being cheated on).

    • I know. I know all of this. I was tempted to see a counselor, but I don't know what good it would do.

      I never thought I'd put up with a cheater. But we've been through so much. I don't want to throw it all away because he let his ego get away with him. He is totally distraught and I know he won't do it again but it kills me to let him go. At 34 years of age and 11 years together it's not easy. I knew what you'd all say before you said it but I guess I needed to hear it.

      My world is going to change when I wake up tomorrow and it doesn't feel like its changing for the best.

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    • Good luck and when it gets hard and you miss him just remember that in the long run life will be better if you stick to this path and don't go back to him.

    • Thank you. I'm not sure I can trust anyone ever again.

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