How do I approach this with my bf?

My bf's 15 yr old son doesn't like coming over. We've been together for 41/2 years. His decision to not come over anymore was when we went on vacations he's very jealous and needy. Something my boyfriend knows and acknowledges
His ex (the mom) worked really hard at alienating their father son relationship, which was super strong and good. Court, CPS, etc. all investigations brought on by her were dropped and the last one all supervisors brought everyone into a room for an "intervention." The end result was mom to encourage visits, counseling, and for parents to go to co-parenting class. Counseling was good until counselor and son thought I should come to the next session. All counseling ending after that. Son now says he won't ever be a part of his dad's "new family."
Almost to the day she requested a modification. of support based on time spent with dad. Last week she told him via text they are moving over 2 hrs away and he can't do anything about it because he doesn't see him enough. He called me upset after the texts.
My boyfriend has tried everything. Counseling, weekly visits, and most times the requests get ignored. The only time they respond is when they want or need something. Example, Christmas we got texts and emails from her saying God put it on her heart for healing and wanted us to go to church with them. All dates we said we could they weren't available. All the while we were given a Christmas list with gifts that exceeded $1200. Guess what; not one church service and not one text or email since Christmas. So much hope that this will change all to realize once again we were used. Every time he reaches out to his dad it's because he wants to have dinner at the mall and of course wants a game. His dad had tickets to Kong and he didn't respond until the day of and said, I'll go only if we see this. And he does because he misses his son.
I have yet to respond or communicate with my boyfriend about what he told me and I'm not sure if I should even get involved.


Most Helpful Guy

  • you been together 41/2=20.5 years and he has a 15 year old son, did he cheat or something?
    I think you should support him, but don't get involved. It may further complicate things, the best you can do is give him your advice/encouragement but stay out of it.

    • She means 4.5 years. 4 and a half years, otherwise written as 4 (space) 1/2.

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    • Are both his kids mother's giving him trouble or only his son's mother? If he is paying for child support that has nothing to do with legal and lawyer fees. That is on her to pay unless there is some details I and you don't know about. As far as moving, just because she request more money doesn't mean she going to get it, it sounds like CPS is on your side since she made so many false and exaggerated claims. Have you talk to this women at all?

    • We have good co-parenting relationships with all but the mom.
      CPS was completely on our side. But that was awhile ago and not an issue. If this goes to court and if she tries to bring up CPS reports we have the recommendations and notes supporting the outcome. We got those when it was over and gave them to the counselor so she had an understanding of what was said, etc.
      I have not had any communications with her since Christmas.

Most Helpful Girl

  • Since your boyfriend is aware of the issues, I do not think you should get involved. If your boyfriend wants to talk about it, have someone listen, then that's fine. But I don't think you should take a very active role in this since this is family problems that he, his ex, and his son need to work out. I think what you should do is offer him support, ask him if he wants to talk, if he doesn't, don't push him. It would be different if there were things he was unaware of, but as you said, "His decision to not come over anymore was when we went on vacations he's very jealous and needy. Something my boyfriend knows and acknowledges." hence the reason why I don't think you need to take an active role.

    • Thank you.

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    • So if in theory he contributed more to household expenses, wouldn't she be getting less alimony? I think you still have a solid case of, you contribute x amount and he contributes y, and without any changes to your income, the amount you guys contribute to household expenses should not be expected to change. Thus, the amount of income he has left has not changed and whatever modifications are made should be reasonable to that income. If modifications are made such that he is unable to contribute his portion (y) to the household then it is an unreasonable request. Also, once again, I'm not a lawyer and not well versed in this, so I'm merely going by what I think seems logical, but I also realize the law is not always logical.

    • It's definitely logical it just doesn't always work out that way. I know what ever will happen will happen. The situation sucks all around. I typically handle it well and just give the supportive nod and say I will do anything to help you through this. This time it just seems bigger. How it will affect all the kids, and the reality that this won't get better will undoubtedly break my bf's heart. I trust that when the time comes we will figure it out. I wanted to hear some other opinions and advice. Thank you.

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What Guys Said 1

  • he probably think you are trying to replace his father figure

    • I'm not sure how I can replace his father figure? I also understand boundaries as a step parent due to the fact I'm divorced with kids and I've been the mom co-parenting with not only my ex but his partner. It's about what's best for the kids.

    • true. try talking to him.

What Girls Said 1

  • It's your best bet to stay out of it. This is between your boyfriend and his son. It doesn't concern you much at all. If his son does not want to visit or see you, you must respect that.

    • That's the thing, he tells me he doesn't have a problem with me and when he's around me or the kids there is no indication. His dad sent her the texts his son has sent me the past month and her response was, I don't care if he likes or or doesn't have a problem with her. This is about the mom not me. We genuinely believe this is classic parental alienation.
      Here's the thing, we go to court, I make more money and pay a substantial amount of the bills. He pays over 2k a month in support. If she moves, traveling etc. I will be involved at some point.

    • Knowing his intentions is important to me. Approaching this with him causes him so much stress and I can tell it hurts him with all that has happened. I have no idea how to approach this.

    • Hm, I see what you're saying. So the problem basically involves your boyfriend and his son? I suggest that you bite the bullet and straight up confront your boyfriend and tell him how you really feel. The longer you wait, the harder it will be to do so and it will just hurt him more. Already this problem should have been discussed long before his son turned 15, but it could be fixed now. You have to be very upfront about this issue with your boyfriend.

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