Why does my ex keep speaking to me if I do this?

I am ashamed to say that I still commit text/phone terrorism after 8 weeks of splitting up. Last night it wasn't a begging call I was actually trying to get him to answer so I could tell him I didn't want to speak to him anymore...I'm still in love with him and being 'friends' is really hard and he's said a couple of times "I'll speak to you if you want".

He doesn't really give me any signs he actually wants to be friends, i.e it's always me who initiates contact on Facebook, text him, call him. He speaks to me but sometimes seems disinterested and only rings when he's drunk and I haven't called for a few days and he wonders why. Also, when he phones he only rings once and I call him back.

SO... why does he put up with text/phone terrorism and speak to me if he is acting like he doesn't want me back?

P.S It's very small but he did send me one of those joke emails before I'd spoken to him but he has stopped putting kisses in his messages and online when he goes. Sometimes I think he makes me jealous as well like joking about threesomes when he's on holiday.

Any advice would be a great help


0|0
74

Most Helpful Guy

  • I think one reason why he might be waiting for you to initiate contact besides what everyone else has already said, but because he has gotten so used to it. So to him it could be expected for him to wait contact from you. It could be that he feels (as idiotic as this may sound) when you contact him, that you care for him, and if he was the one to initiate it then he might be thinking, well does she want me to contact her. That could be one thing.

    On another note when he says I will talk to you if you want, that could mean that he is a nice guy and doesn't want to hurt you. Meaning he doesn't really care for you in that way anymore but if it helps you feel better to talk to him he will, regardless if that is what he wants or not. The only bad thing is about him saying what everything he is saying, it could be interpreted multiple different ways. The other meaning could be, he is telling you that because he wants to talk to you, but he isn't exactly sure you want to talk. That you are only talking to him in the first place to make him feel better. That what you are doing is what I explained at the beginning of the paragraph what he could be doing to you; that you are doing that to him. I know girls who will initiate contact with their exes that they really don't want to talk to, nor really want to be friends with, but still talk to them because they don't know how to let go of their ex without hurting them.

    The only way I know for this to be all figured out is you have to be straight to be point. I'm not sure how girls are when guys give obvious hints, but a lot of guys are confused even if the girl is giving him the most obvious hint in the world. Our brains would think logically not emotionally onto why you are doing this. We will draw multiple conclusions from all of this and usually think its the worse of the worse instead of what the girl is really trying to get across. So be forward with the guy, and tell him he needs to be dead honest. Even if it is brutal. If you still love him and want to be with him as in a couple. Then tell him that, express your feelings. However, if he is a really nice and polite guy, he might change what he says even though he will claim to being honest, in order not to hurt you. So I would say try and get him to say what he wants first. Does he want to be just friends, great friends, no friends at all or boyfriend and girlfriend.

    Theres more I want to say even though I have already written a novel, but I don't exactly know how to put it in words at this moment. So hopefully what I just said helps you out at least in the slightest.

    0|0
    0|0
    • Thanks for your advice. You made a good point about initiating contact with him. If I'm not contacting him then why should he or think that I want to be contacted. I did call him yesterday and he said he was working but it never used to be an issue even just after we split up. I think it's maybe just got a bit much now and so much has been said and it has got quite brutal and honest, the last thing he said convinces me he doesn't want a relationship but I am not clear about a friendship.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • First off, why would you call him to tell him you don't want to speak to him anymore. That doesn't make sense.

    But, let's get down to brass tacks love, it's time to move on. Just leave him alone. Stop calling, texting, delete him from FB.

    He puts up with it because he has you on the back burner. Maybe he'll turn to you if there is no one else.

    Every minute you waste worrying about what could have been with him, you're losing out on that new guy that you've been too busy to meet yet. Let him go.

    1|0
    0|0
  • I think he's just nice and polite, therefore he won't say something like "stop texting me already!".

    And regarding that he calls... Maybe he simply got used to it? Of course there might be something left from his feeling (if he had them), but you know, people sometimes are getting addicted to some events (like receiving messages from specific person quite often etc).

    0|0
    0|0
    • I should have made myself clearer but he has told me before it really makes him angry so that is why I'm wondering why he puts up with it. Maybe he likes to see his phone ringing and ringing knowing I'm desperate at the end of it..... I don't know, I never see him. It was long distance which is kind of why I feel like the world will end if I don't speak to him. I think if he lived around the corner and I knew I'd bump into him at the pub at the weekend it would be different.

  • he still wants to be with you. did you break up with him? if so he's not sure how to respond, he's not sure if your texts are just to mess with him or if you want to be with him. I'm a guy and my ex just randomly text me this morning. we dated for 3 years and broke up 6 months ago. I haven't talk to her in 4 months. so I have the same problem your ex does. I'm not sure how to respond. but after the way she broke up with me I don't thik ill ever go back

    0|0
    0|0
    • No, he actually broke up with me and I still love him. Just an update. We broke up in April, I met him two weeks later even though he wasn't keen and didn't think it was a good idea because I would be upset after which I was, he said it was definitely the last time.......and I have been back from holiday for a week and we are meeting again.......he said in drink he wasn't over me but in sober said this is definitely the last time and it is just sex! Even though he said that last time.

What Girls Said 7

  • Stop trying to be friends. There is no reason to be friends. It just extends the period of breaking up and makes you feel awful for much longer. Being friendly if you run into each other is one thing, but you two were romantically involved so it is not reasonable to pretend that was not the case and try to be friends. Friends don't have fond memories of being in love with each other or that first kiss or the first time you had sex.

    As far as why he is doing this, he is trying to be polite and nice. I am sure he has some sense of trying to treat you right. I had an ex that I had a particularly bad breakup from and I missed him so much and he was never a jerk to me no matter what I did. But, he did not want me back, he just didn't want to make me feel worse than I already did.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Maybe he just likes feeling wanted and the attention, but regardless I wouldn't participate in this any more. You're not doing yourself any favours by spending time on a person who doesn't really want to be with you. If he responds to you occasionally it's probably just because break ups are hard regardless of whether you are the dumper or the dumpee. He probably just misses you a little sometimes, but not in a relationship way.

    I would just cut off all contact and make a new routine for yourself that doesn't involve anything to do with him.

    1|0
    0|0
  • same thing happens to me, but the other way around. me and my ex broke up but I still want to be with him. I think he does too because he's always trying to call and text me and I'm short with him. in reality, he may still want to be with you (depending on why ya'll broke up) but he's the stubborn one and likes the attention that he's getting from you, if that makes sence.

    0|0
    0|0
  • i honestly get you because this has happened to me twice w| 2 of my bfs. We met at camp and went out at like the last week. We would keep in contact while still in a relationship but wen we broke up [w my first and second bf] they wouldn't talk to me or at least briefly like me= heyy(: them= hi etc. so yeh I mean I don't know how not to seem desperate or clingy,since girls do like guys and honestly its hard not to phone/text/etc. w guys and seem like that and always check ur phone.

    But I think he's trying to give you a sign like he wanted to be nice to you and not ignore you but you keep txtng and communicating like you guys are still in a relationship which you aren't/ you just need to face the facts that he's over you,even if you're not.

    I had to face this,it WAS hard,don't get me wrong,but in the long run it makes you a stronger person the faster you can literally say you are over him and have no feelings anymore towards him,you know? But eventually you will find ur soulmate/a guy great for you,don't give up! :D

    xoxo hope this helps! (; Tian Carling,15,New York

    0|0
    0|0
  • I would definitely not talk to him for one week. I was or in a sense was going through the same exact thing. Sad to say.. so I do know how you feel. I would try not talking at all , no phone, no Facebook, just drop everything. I don't know you. But I'm betting you really care for this guy alot. Just like I do with my ex. The best thing to do is act like it doesn't bother you. Keep going about your life and work on you. If it is truly meant to be it will be. You have nothing to lose not talking to him. See what happens. Maybe hell end up calling you wondering why you haven't called. This is exactly what you want.. because he is then curious about you. He wants to know about your life and what your doing. I do take my own advice but probably just like you I don't follow it, which is why I am on here as well asking questions about my love life. Try it out though, as I said youve got nothing to lose..you two aren't together and are somewhat friends. But remember, you were friends and lovers while you two were together. What's to say it couldn't happen again.. OR you might just find a new guy in the your everyday life..in time that is that treats you better. Your options are open always. He didn't put a ring on your finger committing his life to you. I'm sure you probably spoke about it though, just as I did with my ex many times.. it hurts. I know. My best advice is DO YOU! Make yourself more independent. Don't grovel at his feet or text terror him etc. Desperation is a stinky cologne and he knows he has you. Wouldn't you like to know you have him again too?, put some space between you both, you probably tried it for a few days and couldn't take it anymore, that you needed to talk to him , why? because your used to each other. Considering he sent you a joke email too.. doesn't that tell you something no matter what type of joke it was, he is thinking about you and sending you messsages.. put some space between you both for at least a week. DO NOT CALL him.. no messages either no matter what!.. as I said youve got nothing to lose.. but your dignity right now of just being a woman. Show that you have pride in you and your independent. Nothing is sexier to a guy than a woman who is confident and independent. Just do you..and I hope whatever does happen it works out for the best for you gf~ keep your head up and just smile. but give it a shot...hope I helped out.=)

    1|0
    0|0
    • Thanks for your response. He has called and actually asked why I haven't been ringing and returns my calls. He only lets it ring once though, so I always have to call him back. He said a while ago it was because I was annoying and he hoped I'd miss the call so I couldn't nag him or beg. Good point about the joke emails though. I had a conversation with him last night and he seems more responsive, he even mentioned certain things I have been doing is making him want to sleep with me again.

    • He is also obviously worried about my holiday this week asking whether I may sleep with other people. I would never do that, I'm not into one night stands and I still love him. I'm hoping he will really miss me when I'm on holiday. I go this Sunday and he seemed shocked I was going so soon, he never asked and I told him last week. I'm hoping he is starting to miss me and what we had and it's not just he doesn't want me to have anyone else. I sent you a PM buttercup but I'm not sure if you got it. Could you check and let me know, it has a bit more in there as this doesn't let you write that much.

    • I don't see where PM is on here? I am glad he did contact you though that is exactly what you want to happen.... him wondering? about YOU. Kind of like switching it around instead of you always contacting him. I definitley would like to talk with you send me an email and we could talk also exchange advice to one another.. as I said I was in a situation like that just recently and it drives you bonkers I know believe me!! lol throw me a message and maybe we can chat on here or aol mes./yahoo etc.

  • I think that you should first of all accept the possibility that he's not going to come back and you might meet a totally new person. After you do that you have to accept the relationship as he wants it to be, if you can only be friends and you aren't interested in that you should not necessarily avoid him but just stop texting and calling and stuff unless you really want to talk to him. If he does want you back and you think he might not know if it's okay or not just be friendly and a REAL friend not just a beer buddy.

    0|0
    0|0
  • Sorry in advance if this is a bit harsh, but I've been in your position before.

    What you're doing isn't just love, it's obsession. You're suffocating him and further taking away any chance of a future where you two may reconcile. You're suffocating him, forcing your contact on him, and taking away the time he would need to realize he misses you. You need to get over this; he probably just doesn't fully know how to deal with this.

    He's not really into you at this point. He IS treating you as "just a friend". People don't talk to all of their friends on a daily basis, especially if their friends are being annoying and clingy. Friends can go a week or so without contact if they're busy with other people. Friends treat each other as nice as they are capable of doing, and that's likely why he hasn't cut you off.

    You ARE friends. Friends JOKE. You aren't together anymore, if he wants to talk about threesomes... it shouldn't make JUST A FRIEND jealous. If you can't handle being JUST FRIENDS, you need to work yourself up to cutting contact with him. If you're willing to be just friends, stop the phone terrorism.

    3|0
    0|0
Loading... ;