Understanding preferences?

after a breakup and an arrange marriage break down in 15days , i felt that i am not good enough.. pending on divorce.. i feel no one else is ready to get into relationship with me... and i feel insecured... and if i ever have sex , they would leave me... and since then i started controlling my emotions.. and i forcefully make myself think that i should change my preferences to women... but bad relationships with my mother... makes me not even trust women... i abuse myself physically... so that my needs get minimized.. but i get more irritated.. and i start making myself disgusted of sex so that even if i feel the need... the disgust keeps me away from getting myself emotionally hurt!!! what should i do?
Understanding preferences?
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