How to get over depression of a failed 11 month relationship?

So I have dated my (now ex) girlfriend for 11 months. Im 20, she's 23. (we met at work). She was my first girlfriend.

Ever since we started dating, I always felt like I really didn't want to date anymore. I just always had this guilty feeling of wasting her time, and I always kept thinking its because I've never had a girlfriend before, and this was just a change in my life. I never cheated on her, and I always was there for her. She kind of has this needy-ness, that she is aware of, where if I dont reply within a certain time she'll get extremely mad at me, especially when I'm trying to relax or to do work.

So overtime it just grinded down on me enough that I told her I didn't want a relationship anymore. Obviously no one was happy at this moment of break up (like 2 weeks ago from this post date). I have felt a lot more relieved, but I honestly feel terrible about the whole thing. I broke up with her over text (YES. I know I was wrong in doing that, but I just couldn't do it.. it was hard enough for me to break up with her at all, for fear of loneliness)

I feel like an A-hole. But I never felt truly happy with her, as she did me... I really just don't even know how to patch this hole.


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  • Breakups suck, there's not much we can do to fix the initial trauma and pain of losing someone we're really close with, especially when we're very attached to them and we're used to them in our lives every day. It leaves us with a big hole... a big loss of attention and affection and certainty.

    Depression, on the other hand, tends to be driven from our mental focus on the past, and usually takes time to develop... it's not typically something we become over night but instead over time...

    I've been divorced a couple times and it was terrible both times. The key to recovery seems to be how we interpret what happened, and how we think about the past and how we think about the future.

    Typically what we think about we feel.

    So if you're feeling crappy it would be wise to grow an awareness for your own thoughts and focus.

    One big challenge is that we're not taught how to control our focus... so instead we tend to be at the mercy of our monkey minds... just going with the flow of our thoughts... and if we feel crappy our thoughts will follow that flow and we'll have crappy thoughts.

    So in order to redirect your "flow" you must ignore your feelings and redirect your thoughts... and this will in turn redirect your feelings.

    For example... if you're sitting around feeling lonely, then you might rationalize that feelings with thoughts like, "Boy, I feel lonely, I must miss her." which reinforces the idea that you miss her.

    But with some awareness you might instead try this... "Boy I feel lonely... it's probably because I'm alone now. I should reconnect with my friends and family." This in turn moves the focus from the past, to something more useful like connecting with friends and family.

    I say you take a little time to mourn the loss and enjoy the sorrow of self pity... you've earned it and it's perfectly healthy. But don't live in that space, make it brief so you can let it go.

    Then realize that you're still an awesome person who completely deserves to be happy, and deserves to be with someone who matches your relationship needs, just as she does. Being together wasn't healthy for either of you, so this is the right thing!

    Also, there are literally more women who are a good match for you then you have time in your life to actually meet... there is no scarcity of women, just an abundance!

    I hope you feel better soon,
    ~ Robby

    (My Blog )


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