Why won't she let me get close to her?

basically, for the last 8 months I've been seeing this girl (we're both 19). its not really a 'relationship' but when we go out we always hold hands, hug and kiss each other. the problem is, ever since I met her, she has been extremely indecisive and will randomly just tell me its not working and we should stop seeing each other then cut off all contact with me. then, about a week later she will get back in touch saying how much she misses me and wants me back. however, I have started to notice a pattern forming. it seems that every time we start to get close and it looks as if we might actually get into a proper relationship, this is the time that she backs out. its not like I'm even pressuring her into it, we never talk about getting into a relationship its just that sometimes when we're out there is a really strong connection between us and it feels as if we should take the next step. this is when she breaks it off.

now it gets even more complicated. last week, one week after one of the nights when we were really close, we go out again and she is unbelievably distant from me. she wouldn't even stand anywhere near me which is really strange considering the week before we spent all night holding each other and kissing (probably the closest we have ever been). its not like we even fell out during the week (we don't see each other any time other than our nights out cos I live in a different city), we were texting each other loads and she was always saying how much she missed me. anyway, after about an hour of not really saying much, she tells me that we should stop seeing each other cos it just doesn't feel 'right'. she also says that even though we always get back together, this time there is no chance of it at all (something she has never said before) cos we're both just gonna keep getting hurt. before telling me this, she told me that she used to be on anti-depressants and that her ex boyfriend had hurt her both emotionally and physically, which could explain why she is scared to re-enter a relationship. but, she also tells me that she feels really lonely and needs someone to be there for her.

i'm so confused, I really need to let her know that I would NEVER hurt her and I just wanna be there for her and make her happy but she just can't seem to trust me. there is definately something there between us but she keeps convincing herself that there isn't, she even told me that when we're getting close its cos she is really trying to make it work but it just isn't real which is definately not true cos I can see that she is genuinely happy when we get close. she keeps telling me to move on and I can do a lot better than her. I don't want to move on though cos I really like her, dare I even say love her but she just doesn't see this. how can I make her trust me and let me be there for her? is there anything I can say or do to make this better? this time she hasn't cut off contact with me so I don't know what she wants


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Most Helpful Girl

  • You need to give her a little bit of that "tough love" and make her see things from your point of view. Being cautious out of fear of getting hurt is just going to get the both of you hurt. She needs to know that. She's already emotionally involved so there's really no point in her pushing you away the way that she does. I think you should try having that discussion with her and make her see that the reason it can't work is that she's not letting it work.

    Breakups are hard, and judging by what you said, she has a really big hurdle she can't seem to climb over. Remind her it's been 8 months. 8 MONTHS! You stuck it out with her for this long despite the obstacles she keeps throwing your way. That's HUGE. Tell her that. Tell her that after 8 months, you're still here and you still want her. Have that talk and then ake a step back to let her think about what you said. Then do something romantic -- something small like get her flowers and tell her how you feel in a note that she can re-read over and over whenever she starts to get scared. Next time you two get close, call or text her the next day to see how she's doing. Be patient with her, but show her that you're serious because she's guarding her heart with all the strength that she has and she needs you to tell her AND show her that she doesn't have to.

    Good luck! She seems really really lucky to have you. I really hope it works out.

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What Girls Said 1

  • From my opinion she is scared to get into a serious relationship because she is afraid that she will get hurt again. You need to sit down with her and talk to her, tell her than you love her very much and that you would never do such a thing, tell her that you'll be her protector and that even if she doesn't want you your not going to give her up. Also I think she has very low confidence and that your deserve better, tell her that you don't deserve better and that she is absolutley perfect for you. You may just have to take the relationship slow

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What Guys Said 1

  • Put up with her antics if you really like her or move on, maybe she is testing you. If you see paterns in her behaviour it could be something like bi polar etc or its just her being scared about a realtionship with you because of the bagage of a previous relationship.

    Not a lot you can do tell her what you want, you can't make her like you, want to be with you or even love you. If she keeps contacting you she is still interested seems she says one thing and does the opposite.

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