My girlfriend and I mutually broke up and I feel so much worse than I thought?

I've been having my doubts for a while, I started realizing we didn't have much in common, both with interests and values. Last night we had a pretty frank conversation about our future and I said I just don't feel like I'm the right guy for you. I was afraid that if we continued, that we would end up hating each other and frustrated that we wouldn't change our values. She agreed, and we both slowly began to realize it was ending.

My relationships have always ended with some sort of betrayal, I expected a mutual break up to be way easier. But it was far worse... because even after we said our goodbyes, we still loved each other. She even said she wished that I had done something to make her hate me, but she couldn't... and I felt the same way. But I didn't want to a continue a relationship that could have led to frustration and potentially hate.

I keep second guessing myself, thinking we could work it out. But I had found myself starting to get more and more frustrated towards the end, and I really didn't want us to hate each other and end it bitter.

I just don't know what to do... because I know it was for the best, I know that our differences would destroy it once we got really serious. But neither of us expected to end it last night. The thing that gets me the most is she is worried she'll never find someone like me again. I am positive she will, I truly am. But that was more heartbreaking than I expected, it felt like I was abandoning someone... I just need some advice on how to handle this, because I thought I was prepared but I was not at all...


Most Helpful Girl

  • I can't say from a dumpers perspective or even a mans perspective, but I've been on the other end of your situation- your exact situation and it sucks! I, like you, thought a mutual breakup would have been better but its not. Years later I was able to talk, briefly to my ex and he said he still felt guilty, and told me he was really proud of who I has become and the life I created for myself. That felt really good to hear, on the other hand, had he not given up so easily and had we actually worked out whatever it is we were going through, the life I created and the person I am today could have been shared with him. On the flip side, I wouldn't have become the person I was or made this beautiful life had I noy been dumped. If you truly feel there's no way to salvage your relationship, then I hate to say it, years later you may still feel guilty (my ex was a good guy) so I think for him, seeing me moved on and turning out okay, made him feel better, but it also made him feel like he wasn't sure if he made the right choice. What would you do in a marriage if you felt this way? My biggest hurdle after being "mutually dumped" was knowing that I didn't even have a fighting chance" To know someone you love (d) doesn't feel the same way or doesn't even try to give you and your relationship a fighting chance, thats what hurt the most. And honestly, I felt bad for him when we broke up because its hard for anyone to make that decision but I felt worse for him when I talked to him year later, he looked and complained about how tired he is all the time from work and his family life. Best of luck to you and hopefully you won't be so hard on yourself. The dumpees always, always, always turn out ok. Whether its months or years later.

    • It was a religious difference for us, I am indifferent and she is pretty devout. And she just couldn't imagine raising kids with someone who is indifferent to religion, to me it wasn't a huge issue... but I knew it would be to her... we ended it pretty suddenly, but after we had that talk, it seemed like the point of no return. That was always going to be in the back of our minds and would put stress on it. I truly hope that she will be ok, I felt terrible about it all. I didn't want it to end, I really cared for her and want nothing but the best for her. But I couldn't help but feel I wasn't what was best for her because I just couldn't connect with her on the level she wanted/needed religiously. And I knew that would always be a point of contention between us. And it likely wouldn't change for me, and I didn't want it to change for her, because it was so important to her.

    • Having it be a religious difference has to be tough. I know its killing you, and it will probably be something that always stays with you. I have been married for years now. I have the most amazing life with an amazing guy, but I can sorta relate. Two right people for each other, just the wrong situation. If you two are anything like my ex and I, I think there will always be that connection the two of you had. It will never go away. I still care for my ex deeply, but in a way like I could never care for someone else. He knows that and feels the same. Maybe thats why I've been able to move on so happy. We both know we will always care for each other in a strictly non-sexual way, more of a connection kinda way. I think you should take some time to heal from the break up. Both of you WILL be okay in the long run. It should help you to know that she will always care for and love you.

    • the problem is, I just don't know if in the future my views on religion will change... knowing what I know now, I doubt it. But the unknown is what is killing me. I feel terrible that I didn't fight harder for it, but I was having my doubts already. If it was just the philosophical differences, I could get past it and learn to live with it. But we shared very few common interests, we didn't like the same shows, movies, hobbies. I know that people can be in relationships all the time and be very happy when they have little in common, but with very little common interests and differing core values, it just seemed like a relationship doomed to fail to me. And would only lead to worse heart ache later.

Most Helpful Guy

  • If you expect a good ending that ties all the loose ends like in a good Hollywood-style movie, I'm afraid I have bad news for you. There are no good or bad choice. There are only less painful and more painful ones. You make them and then you live with the consequences.

    From what you have written it's obvious you made the right choice. You realize it on your own. Making the best possible choice doesn't always mean happy ending. Sometimes sacrifices must be made. Does it always hurt when you lose someone you love - yes. Will it hurt in the future - you have no idea. But at the end of the day if you truly love her you want her to be happy, don't you? Then why feel bad when you made someone happy and then sent them to find even more happiness?

    "'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." - Alfred Lord Tennyson


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What Girls Said 1

  • give yourself time.. trust that you made the right decision and hold your decision responsible. there's no limits.. if later down the line you meet up again and fall in love that could happen, but the spark isn't there atm.. so let yourself have time and just commemorate what you had.. You worry for her not finding someone but you should focus on yourself and what you want to get busy on next.


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