Should we stay together after 12 years?

I'd like opinions please.

I have been with my husband for 12 years, married for almost 7. We have 4 children and a great relationship.
But here is the problem. I am overly extroverted; and he is introverted. He refuses to speak about problems we have, and will bottle everything up until he explodes. He has NEVER laid a finger with me, nor would I stay if ever he did. We do not have 'big' fights in front of the children, apart from the normal argument here and there. Although, when they're at school, playdates etc: and we fight. There's breaking things, throwing things, punching walls. And then it's done.
We have these big fights maybe once every 6-8 months. We barely argue. But when we do, the fights are HUGE! However, never ever physical. Then by the time the kids get home, we are fine.
It's gotten to a point where I don't even know if counselling is worth going to.

Is this relationship worth fighting for?
I love him, but I feel like I'm ready to let go and move on. Being extroverted with an introverted partner is very hard (for both of us.) I have done what I can. He refuses to acknowledge any problems we have. Yes, I am happy. But not as happy as I feel I should be, or he should be. Should I let my marriage go? Please don't judge me. I feel like we JUST tolerate each other for the children, but there is love there. But he just makes it out like there are no issues whatsoever. And for 11 years I have tried to get him to open up😫


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Most Helpful Guy

  • his unwillingness to open up shows he refused to acknowledge your concerns which means he does not respect your feelings.. it sounds like he has a poor idea of what a relationship should be.. how is his parents relationship/marriage it sounds like he had a poor example of a marriage while he was growing up

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    • Agree. Well, I've never actually spoken to his parents as they don't speak English. I've met them; but we can't talk to each other. They are really old; like 75. They're still married and always smiling. I'm really not sure about them honestly. They live in a different country.
      I just feel like I'm always walking on eggshells.

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    • I'm just stuck between a rock and a hard place. Because I know how great of a husband he is. But I also know that > I < need communication. It is just in my nature to work things out! He's the type that once you say sorry, then we're happy and it's done and dusted. No talking about it. No working through it.

    • you never solve problems and really deal with your relationship.. you just described your roles, you might as well call them jobs he is doing his very well and so are you being good wife and good husband but that is not a relationship it is a job to keep the thing working well.. you already know you are unhappy with the situation and how it functions you need to present that to him and he needs to make changes to ensure your happiness and fulfillment

Most Helpful Girl

  • Sounds like you are living with a stonewaller. They difficult to get along with because they shut off completely.
    I've read some good marriage books and even got my husband to read them too.
    Dr John Gottman, seven principals for making marriage work. He has a great website.
    If you can get him to marriage counseling it could help.
    What you need to do is to think back, do you still have happy memories?
    Or are they being over shadowed?
    Okay so if something unplanned happened on your wedding day can you back and joke about it?
    A negative feeling towards memories is a bad thing.

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What Guys Said 1

  • I don't think the problem is you being extroverted and him being introverted. The real issues are the problems you guys are having. Like what is causing these problems in the relationship?

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    • That is the exact question I have had for all these years. From 2 weeks after we became a couple. I thought eventually he'd open up.
      The fight we had the other day; was over food. And that is what I mean. I never know what the REAL problems are; because he REFUSES to talk to me about anything. Literally, flat out refuses. I'm the type thats wants to stop conflict and work things out calmly. He bottles it all until he explodes. But when he explodes, it is about something so small and silly.
      I cook, clean, never ask for money, never ask for help, I keep up spark intimately. I've never found that I've failed as a wife per say. Maybe he is just bored. I really don't know. But I am pulling my weight as far as I'm concerned. I also do not nag. I am not a nagger. But if we're having coffee I may say "you seem a little upset. Did you want to talk about it darling?" And he will say "im tired." Or "Nothings wrong OKAY!" It's just constant.

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    • When I laugh (I'm always laughing.) they'll just stare and make a comment like "oh, you're young. You don't know what love is yet. That's why you're always laughing, because your still a child." They're just not very nice. Lol. He doesn't let them talk to me like that though if he hears it. He will always stand up for me. I hate confrontation so I try to avoid it.

    • This may sound really selfish and arrogant. But Even though I feel like I wouldn't find anyone like him. I also feel like I deserve more. 😰

What Girls Said 1

  • Have him write everytime something bothers him. And once a week read how you guys felt that time. Or you can write him how you feel and go from their.

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    • We've tried that for many years. He stands by this "nothing is wrong." 🙄🙄 We've even written down pros and cons of each other and spoken about it. Just so annoying.

    • Maybe separation for awhile could help. Sometimes people need to see what they had. Maybe go to a marriage counselor or do individual therapy or both?

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