He said he was a looser, not a real man, only brings negatives to the relationship, why did he break up with me?

My boyfriend (age 48) broke up with me after we dated for over three years. The entire time we have dated he has referred to himself as a loser, a failure, not a real man (due to erectile dysfunction that we have tried everything to treat), that he only brings negatives to the relationship and I am getting the raw end of the deal. He has four children and struggles to provide for them. He has applied for at least 50 jobs and only until recently has he gotten interviews. The interviews as far as I can tell are mainly because I have started helping him with the application and supplemental questions. Not lying about his job experience, I just write better than he does and provide more information on each question. All the while, he has been telling me such negative things about himself, I have always told him no, you're not, you're a great dad, you're a real man... I started getting frustrated the past few months because there hadn't been any improvement in him, with the exception of some easing up of his depression after we got him medication. We both had been through very similar divorces, his 6 years ago and mine 4 years ago. I have managed to double my income in the past two years, and get my shit together. And, I started painting again and actually selling my art. He seemed to be constantly jealous of my successes but also seemed proud. Anyway, lately I started thinking negatively about myself and verbalizing it. I think his negativity and low-self esteem was affecting me and I was catching his negative attitude and self-worth. He broke up with me saying that I was trying to change him (I wasn't, I was always there to help him at his request), that I wasn't happy, he couldn't make me happy and that he loved me, still had feelings for me but this would be the best thing for me.
I have no idea how to deal with this? I am angry he didn't have the same patience for me as I did for him. Will he regret his decision?


Most Helpful Guy

  • your boyfriend is 4?

    • 48... has 4 kids

    • Show All
    • Good lord. this guy is something else! That's just sad but you know now that you deserve way better and yes, there are men out there who aren't intimated by women like you.
      you would be able to ask whenever. you are divorced now.

    • Yes he is. I guess he is really broken. He texted me two days ago asking how r u? I said I was hanging in there. He said he was shitty. Due to son and other stuff but what mattered most was that I was ok. I told him I was having a tough time but I would land on my feet and he said he wouldn't, that he isn't strong and he is worthless and was insignificant. Also, the only thing that mattered was that I was ok. And again said he was worthless. I told him no one is worthless, that this was the problem he cut himself down for our entire relationship and it started to affect me and my self worth. You are what you keep company with right? I said here you are doing it again. Why is he saying those things STILL to me? Why pull at my emotions and ask how I am? The next day I sort of apologized for using the texting as a "lesson" opportunity. HE said I was right and he is worth something. so that one interchange fixed him? I don't think so... probably gave him an ego boost to go find a barfly.

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What Guys Said 1

  • Maybe he just needs some time to improve himself. Become independent and increase his confidence. From what you've said, he feels like he thinks he doesn't have much to offer to you.

    Keep constant communication with him. Know that you miss him from time to time. Eventually he'll come back.

    This is definitely one of those "It's not you, it's me" situations.

    • Why did he seem to blame me for the break up? We have texted a little, he is having trouble with one of his kids and asked advice. Then told me he misses me like crazy, wanted me to know that this break up hasn't been easy on him but that in the long run it will be the best thing for me. Also, that he is grateful that I am still speaking to him after what he did (breaking up) is unforgiveable.

    • He may seem like he blames you, but it's not your fault and he definitely is not blaming you. He's blaming himself.

      The break up is not easy for him because he still have feelings for you. He knows it will be good in the long run because he can learn to become independent and you can focus on your things without worrying about him.

      He feels like he's slowing you down or stopping you from reaching your potential. That's why he left. He doesn't want to be a burden to you.

      You may be thinking that you can handle him. It's no problem to you and that you are always willing to help him if he's struggling, but you're just robbing him from his independence.

    • You are very wise. I was too at a young age. As you get older and life gets muddy things are harder to see. Thank you.

What Girls Said 1

  • probably not. He seem to be the type to desire the attention solely on him and to be the victim. when you started to feel low, the ficus wasn't on him. its just MY opinion not a professional one, but it didn't seem like a healthy relationship especially when you started to devalue yourself. you made great progresses and you should be happy not ashame or worried what your hard work might make your boyfriend feel.

    • I noticed that once I stopped telling him constantly that he wasn't a loser, etc... when I started saying well... you need to start showing some improvement, if not for us, but for your kids... he didn't like it. I stopped even telling him when I sold a painting, got a good review at work because it made him jealous. He's a grown man? WTF? I am getting a raise soon and he asked "so how much are you going to be making now more than me?"

    • it feels like he enjoyes being a victim.

    • Yes I think he does like being a victim. Being a victim is harder than being a survivor. I am only his third relationship... his highschool girlfriend broke up with him... he still feels the victim after 30 years, his wife cheated on him... yep, he is still the victim. My ex husband cheated on me to, was a sociopath (stalked me, drained oil out of my car, held knives to my neck, wanted to put me out on the street). His ex just cheated and divorced him. I am a survivor, went to counseling, got two new jobs (in the span he is still stuck in the job he hates). It has been hard work but I have survived and thrived.

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