How can I get money back from my ex? Please help?

I lent him money, he said he'd pay it back. For whatever reason he's not. I don't care about his reasons I just want it back.

But, I really don't want to call him, message him or email him, I just don't want to be in touch with him. He will just think I am contacting him and using the money as an excuse to try get back together and I'm 1000000% not.

I've left it for the last 4 months because of that reason and was resigned to the fact of not getting it back but I fucking want my money, its mine, it's not chump change, and it's making me angry.

How and what can I do?

I don't want to hire a debt collector as they will charge me about 500/1000 to get it back.

What would you do? Do you have suggestions options ideas?

Please help? I am so desperate to get it back.


Most Helpful Guy

  • You didn't make him sign a promissory note? If not forget it, your money is gone since even if you sue him it's nearly impossible to prove verbal agreements. Learn from your expensive mistake and don't repeat it. This is why I wouldn't even loan $1 to my own mother and why no one with a brain loans money to anyone without a contract signature and collateral. He probably knew this and planned to screw you the whole time, otherwise he could have simply went to a pawn shop. If I was in your predicament I'd simply make friends with a few guys bigger than him and have them take it out of his hide if he didn't pay. After the cash is recovered pay them a cut for their efforts if it's thousands of $ (half or 3/4 is better than none).

    • It was so he could go back to the UK for his dads funeral highly inappropriate for me to get out paperwork in that situation, I was concerned about him and his family.

      He knows he owes it and he likes that fact it's the power so I can't move on and so I have to contact him to ask for it back.

      Hence I will not do it and I am trying to find another way.

Most Helpful Girl

  • How much did you lend him?

    Honestly I'm not totally sure what your options are, you may want to speak to a lawyer or someone who understands the laws around these types of situations. But contacting him in a firm manner is also an option. You could even threaten to sue him over it if he doesn't pay up- it might scare him into cooperating. If you contact him in a calm, professional manner, and you only talk about the money (nothing else), then I don't see how he can misconstrue your reasons for getting in touch. He must be aware that he owes you money, so he can't be too surprised if you want it back...

    • And you've probably already learned this lesson, but don't lend money again, at least not more than you'd be okay with losing.

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    • So you won't ask for it, and you also won't involve anyone else? Sweetie, unless you have mind control abilities and you can will him to pay you back without talking to him, I think you're probably out of luck. You can't always get what you want without making a sacrifice.

    • I'm happy to have someone involved but the right person involved, I just don't know who that is.

      It's not a close friend or family member as they are to affected by it. I don't want to involve anyone legally as it doesn't have to go that far yet. But it has to be someone trustworthy as it's a delicate matter.

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What Guys Said 30

  • Unfortunately, unless you have a written, or witnessed verbal agreement with him, your chances are very slim.
    He has to want to repay you, you should email him and tell him you need your money, if he has a conscience he should make an effort to repay you.
    If he tries to come on to you tell him clearly that you do not love him, and you do not want a relationship with him.

    • It's a power thing for him that he still has over me while he still has my money and knowing I have to come to him to ask for it.

      I just can't do it the anxiety it brings is unbearable. I've broken away and I need to stay away.

    • Text or email him, you can communicate without going near him, tell him you are going to take him to court if he does not return what he owes. Whether you can back the threat up is immaterial, the threat may be enough.
      Or could you threaten to expose him to his relatives or friends, as the cheat he is.

    • As I've said in my other replies it's me not wanting to be in contact that is the problem. This is what he wants, it's his whole reason for holding onto the money

  • You want your money back but you don't want to have to ask for it? Then you have to work with an "agent" usually a large aggressively convincing male individual with no defined neck usually of southern European descent.

    • I wish I had a male friend that was able to be called upon that is exactly the person I'm after, a friendly hint nudge phone call would do the trick!!

  • Unless you have a contract, promissory note etc that is written out or typed out him saying he will pay you back them money that is written out, typed out or recorded then you do not have proof. It would be a he said she said situation. If you took him to court youbwould have to prove he said he would pay you back and the judge would have to believe what you say over what he says and have the verdict be in your favor for him to give the money back. If not then he wins the case or the case is dismissed and in either case he would not have to legally give any of the money back to you. It seems like you want to be way too nice to him even though he was mentally abusive to you for your four year relationship you had with him. You do not want to get friends and or family involved, do not want to take him to court, do not want to beg for the money bback, do not want to contact him etc but still want him to hand you all the money back at once on a silver platter knowing he was mentally abusive to you during the relationship you had with him meaning he never cared about you.

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    • You assumed that from my post. From what I said.

      What I meant was I get so caught up in him wrapped up in him and pleading him making him happy and forget about me and my self and I don't matter anymore.

      I will not go back to that person when I've come so far and have changed for the better.

      If I went back to that person I'd only get in deeper and it can only lead to...

    • @HitGirl_4680 If he still has not given the money back then what do you expect anyone to legally to do since you won't contact him online or offline, will not tack him to court and will not get a third party involved? The boy things now are he pays the money back or you move on because you are out of the money.

  • Do you have messages of him saying that he would return the money?
    Because he could simple say that the money was a gift.

    Verbal contract is enforceable by law in the US as long as you can prove that both parties agreed to it.
    And get someone involved, probably your closest guy friend or a brother or cousin.

  • Really depends on the amount - Is it worth the hassle of a small claims court - All your communication will be through court staff

    • Absolutely not worth the stress and drama I'm just not that type of person at all no matter how much the money is.

  • Good luck, but luck has nothing to do with it. I loaned an ex a couple (2K) & I was lucky to get 1 back. This was 20 years ago! If he's gonna pay he will. But I doubt it. Sue him, try to get on Judge Judy, the show pays off the winner and what's left of the $5,000 is split. Hard to get on, but ur story is always on.

    • Oh god no I'm not into fame or being on TV it's a personal matter that even my family and friends aren't aware of.

      This was 2k and wasn't the only amount but this time it's the principal of the matter and the fact I finally want to be free and move on and this is holding me back

    • That's the unfortunate part, he's moving ahead and I fear he set out to get some money from you and that way you can't move on. He does not sound like a good dude! Judge Judy show pays you the money. Each case has 5K dollars. You sue for 2K and win, you'd get 2K and 3K left you split.

    • It wasn't a plan, he's dad died you can't plan for that, he had to go home or he'd never be able to live with himself and at the time I cared about him.

      We don't have a judge Judy here so it's not an option

  • Nobody can help you here, so you should take justice into your own hands. Take it back from him, by force if necessary, with a billion % interest. MWAHAHAHAHAHAAA
    Or you ask him nicely.

    • Hahaha

      Nah I honestly want no contact what so ever as my post says, it's just not an option at all.

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    • I'm not talking to him as I do not want to be in contact with him full stop.

      Having someone that is trustworthy but not closely related to this or us would be the ideal situation and would likely lead to an end result that would be satisfactory for both with no drama or stress and kept private and out of legal dramas.

      You can't steal money it's absolutely impossible and illegal and I'm not planning on going to jail for something I'm legally owed!

    • Of course you can't steal it. It's up to you what you do and you can of course ask someone to mediate for you, but I'd think your chances of getting it back are better if you just asked it yourself. Is it really all that bad to do nothing other than ask for your money back?

  • Did you have him sign a document saying he would pay you back. If not its going to be impossible to get that money back unless you call him and have him admit to a person of authority that he took money from you with the intent to pay back in the form of a verbal agreement and a certain time period in which to pay back.

    • It's not that type of formal agreement and he knows that. He's only not paying it to hold something over me as a control thing like our entire relationship, do I have to crawl back to him and ask for my money back. He would pay me back I know that but I do not want any contact with him

    • can you message me to talk further

    • I sent you a message

  • Take him to Judge Judy, or any small claims court, if you have sufficient proof of his debt, and his agreement to repay it.

    • Thanks but as my post clearly states I would like to avoid going down the legal messy stressful drama route if I can.

    • Yes, sorry, I somehow missed that point, but even so, you are unlikely to see your money again unless you have some sort of contact. Maybe you could ask a friend to act as an intermediary?

  • Small claims court if you have proof it was a loan maybe in writing, as its difficult in law to prove a loan between partners.

    • It was initially owed for half payment of our holiday, that I have in writing. But his dad passed and I said he could keep that to pay for his flights etc and pay it back when he gets back so that was verbal, which he agreed to

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    • Thanks. I'm just trying to make it as less messy as I possibly can

    • I understand that and wish u well. Let me know how you get on with it.

  • Do you have proof that you gave him money? He can just deny the whole thing. Best you can do is just ask him for it.

    • It's either asking nicely or going to court, the former seems like a nicer approach for both of you.

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    • A private matter without talking/messaging him in private is not possible.

    • It's private as I've not told anyone other than contacted debt collectors to find out what that would entail if I was to go down that path.

      Had I told friends or family this would not have stayed private for a second and they would have been on his ass the second I had told them!

  • make friends with buff scary men, or even gangsters. Tell them about your ex and ask them nicely. They'll take car of him.

    • I don't want to get the idiot hurt even though he is a dick and prob deserves it for what he's put me through the 4 years.

      I'd just like to get it back as peacefully as possible

    • ooooo, thats tough for a couple of reasons. 1. if you approach in a way that's not aggressive enough he might not comply. 2. lets say you did get it back, he may feel like you took somthing from him even though it was your money and might want to get back at you.
      Any how, if your determined enough, and persist you should get it back.

    • He has no issue giving me the money I know he won't, it's likely not about that, I know the guy I was with him for 4 years.

      As I keep saying in many of my other posts it's all about the power and me having to contact him ask him for my money me having to make the contact me having to come back to him me not being able to break away until I do. It's the power. He is still holding it over me.

      If he just said here's it back he'd have no cards left! That is not what narcissistic like or do!

  • without taking it to civil with evidence needed you just gotta hope he respect you well enough to give it back other wise take him to court

    • I've been waiting and hoping but alas so far I've heard nothing. And I even sent him well wishes to his family in the U. K. when all that horrible stuff was going on.

      I really don't want to go down that avenue, I don't want to get nasty.

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    • I'm hopeless at where things are I'm a city girl after all

    • country boy here hahaha aussie /nsw country lol

  • Ask to borrow something expensive like a riding mower or whatever while showing no thought about him owing you money and tada new mower

  • so you dont even want to talk to him to get it back? 1. you ask for it back. 2. hook up with a jack dude to get it back

    • No I do not want to talk to him at all, or ever again. I want nothing to do with him no contact ever again. Under any circumstances at all.

      Hook up with? A jack dude?

  • You should've got him to sign for it then had it notarized, you'll never get your money back, still, we learn from our mistakes.

    • It was so he could go back to the UK for his dads funeral highly inappropriate to do any of that at that time. I was concerned for him and his family.

      Its about the power he knows he owes me he just wants me to have to go back and have to ask for it keeping me attached to him.

      As my posts says it's not an option

    • Do you know a big bloke who owns a baseball bat with a few 6 inch nails at the business end, that's how they handle things in Ireland.

    • Haha although that sounds appealing... I'd much prefer my money that way I can go spend it 🙃

  • Where are you located? Do they have a small claims court? Talk to a lawyer if you can.

    • I really don't want to go down that path it's not necessary and I don't want to cause undue stress and drama

    • That leaves you right were you are now. Which is still owed money.
      You won't call, message or email him
      You won't go through legal sources.
      And you want your money
      How in fhe hell are we supposed to help you if you can't help yourself?
      Do it right so you get your money. If you contact him he probably won't even give you the money.
      Go through someone who does this professionally and has heard every story in the book. Because that's the only way you'd ever see a damn dime back from him.

    • I have contacted them already I am not a complete imbasile! And they take a huge chunk of the money themselves

  • How much money exactly?

    • 2k this time

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    • If you are convinced he is a nice guy, too nice to shame, then why do you even want the money back? Did you really make it as a loan or was it a gift at the time? If it was a gift then I think he should've offered to pay you back as soon as he could but I'd just move on. If it really was a loan then he is obligated to pay and you are not obligated to protect his reputation. If you are afraid of being seen as a crazy chick then do nothing because someone can always call you crazy... just because they don't like what you're doing.

    • I never said he was such a nice guy, to be honest the complete opposite he treated me like shit, I was just in love with him so did anything for him.

      That's beside the point now. I helped him out at a hard time, that's been and gone we are over and done with he agreed to pay me back.

      I'm just trying to figure this out as harmonious as humanly possibly as I hate stress and drama I've had enough of that to last a lifetime!

  • Have you thought that he might of just forgot?

    • Absolutely not. Not a chance in hell. I lent it so he could go home to his dads funeral in the UK.

    • maybe he doesn't want to speak to you because of the breakup?

    • Very big possibility, it wasn't the best situation but bound to happen nonetheless

  • Ask him directly to give it back

    • As I said in my post I REALLY don't want to contact him at all, it makes me physically sick even thinking about it.

      It's the power he has over me, holding it over my head still, that's why he's not tried to give it back. Making me the one who has to f'ing crawl back and beg for my money. It's evil.

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    • It's not a case of him not caring if he didn't he would have given it back and wouldn't feel the need to hold this power over me. Once he gets over that hopefully he will understand and give it back.

    • Yeah he can give it back, but it can be late be patient if its not an urgency

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What Girls Said 2

  • Never loan money that you can't afford to not have back.
    With that in mind, you could take him to court if the sum is large enough but you would have to prove that he agreed to pay you back.

    • Before you judge my kindness of lending him money... it was so he could go back to the UK to his dads funeral.

      It's also not about affording to not get it back or not, lending money is just that lending!!

      I'd prefer not to go to court or get all nasty over it, I was hoping people may have other nifty ideas or ways if not already thought of myself.

    • Show All
    • Yeah, that would seem like the best route if you don't want to do it face to face. Do you have a close friend?

    • Not someone I could tell and trust to speak to him without bias

  • a decent person woulda paid u it back ur gunna have to draw a line under the money Becos looks like he isn't paying u back... he's the definition of scum, he's probably loaning money off other people too and he will get a loan from the wrong person and he be up for a battering. do you know anybody that can go see him and ask for it back?

    • Unfortunately it's not that kind of situation it's more of a power thing in this scenario.

      He's a lender to his friends and knows himself what it's like when they don't pay it back and he has to chase and ask them.

      But it's all about him having ties over me still and me having to make contact to ask beg for it back so he still has the power over me.

      Now you see why I just can't contact him. After finally breaking free after 4 long hard years. He just thinks I'll finally come crawling back because I'm weak. As I usually have.

    • Go back to him if ur desperate for the money once u have it get the hell out of there

    • No chance in hell I'll end up dead and buried this time

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