I don't know how to cope anymore with my break up and lost of my baby and I don't know what to do?

Ex boyfriend and me broke up during my pregnancy and then I lost my baby this YEAR. Its been a few months and I messaged him today because, I can't cope dealing with the pain alone anymore but, his the main contributer of this pain thats why I let him be and LEFT even though I don't wanna be with him I miss him because his the closest person to my baby even though I won't be able to forgive him for anything he said during my pregnancy to me but I can't cope anymore and am on a waiting list of four months to see my phchologist but I started having nightmares and I've been crying so much that my head hurts and my EX DOESN'T EVEN CARE ABOUT ME&I KNOW HE'LL IGNORE ME BUT I HAVEN'T MESSAGED HIM AT ALL THESE FEW MONTHS BUT NOW MY HEART IS YEARNING FOR MY BABY AND I CAN'T COPE ANYMORE ACTING LIKE AM STRONG, CONFIDENT AND HAPPY WHEN AM NOT. I'VE ENDURED A BREAK UP AND A DEATH AND PEOPLE KEEP TALKING LIKE THEY'VE FELT MY PAIN AND HOW I FEEL AND I CAN'T GET NONE OF THEM BACK AND AM ALONE NOW AND I CAN'T CONTINUE ANYMORE I can't forget anything and I've tried keeping busy but it doesn't make me forget what he did to me and the hell I went through because of him and I just vented today all my trapped feelings and he switched his phone off!
I don't know how to cope anymore with my break up and lost of my baby and I don't know what to do?
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