Do you think it's reasonable to ask my husband to cut his family out of his life after this?

My husband and I have been together for 5 years, no kids. We are both early 30s, my MIL has always been horrible to me, she is the passive aggressive, nasty snide remarks to your face in front of everyone type of person. I've been nothing but nice, to this woman over the years, even though I loath her. My husband is extremely close with his family (his sister, mother and father). They are like a clique, that is very difficult to be apart of. My husband has told me she hated every girlfriend he's ever had, but hates me more so because I'm the wife. He sees them weekly, me included even though I do not want to attend. My husband has a wonderful relationship with my family, they treat him like there son. My FIL always agrees with the MIL because of her wrath otherwise. Anyways, over the weekend we were over at his parents for dinner, the mom told me that he isn't my baby, and never will be, he will always be hers and under her. I snapped. Needless to say, things have been really bad, I haven't stopped crying since the visit and his mother hasn't. She sent him a horrible evil message to his phone about me the night we left, telling him if he doesn't divorce me she will hurt herself and that I'm an ugly fat cow. She is mental, so my husband never defends me.. because he's worried what she'd do to herself. This weekend though, I lost it. His parents told him from this point forward I am banned from there home, and I have banned them from ours. My husband will visit them on his own without me indefinitely. I personally think he should cut his entire family
out of his life until they can respect me, but he's too obsessive with them for some reason. I am thrilled I'll never have to see them again, it takes stress off me. But I'm worried with the relationship he has, eventually they will be invited by him to our house again. I personally think he should cut them all out of his life, he got mad at me when I said that. What would you expect from your S/O in this situation?


Most Helpful Girl

  • I would have expected a lot more from him before this point.
    As it's gotten to this stage I'd probably let it play out for a few months and see how things settle. If he's able to keep things completely separate and I didn't have to hear about them then it's kind of worked out for the best. If he pushed me to apologise or made any reference to my behaviour then I'd be asking for marriage counselling and considering a separation.
    Even without waiting the situation could benefit from counselling... sometimes an impartial third party that's there to mediate both sides can open up a lot of eyes

    • Thank you for your reply, I'm not sure how long this separation with me and them will last, I have lost all respect, and personally don't want to be near any of them. It shouldn't have gotten to this point and my husband should have done something about it a long time ago, he tired.. but it only made things worse, he didn't try hard enough. But now, the mother and I can't be in the same room or within 100feet of each other, without it becoming a screaming death match. My husband takes both sides, he sees his parents side, and my side. He told me I will never have to go over to there place/be in an uncomfortable situation again around them, and for a while they will not be aloud over to our house. I asked him to cut them right out of his life, because if they can't respect me as a wife they can't respect you. He didn't agree, and told me he would never do that. So fine, I just won't ever be around them again and won't have to stress about seeing her.

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  • I am confused as to why you think he will change. He must have been this way while you were dating? Why didn't you ask him to stand up for you then? If you did, and he did not, why did you stay? Seems his mother controls his life even when he doesn't live with her.
    What you and your husband need is couples therapy and for him to work out why he has such an unhealthy relationship with his mother.

    • It didn't start to get bad until we married, like I said, she always made comments and jabs, but when my husband defended me it made it a lot worse, for me. She saw it as him taking my side (rightfully so), but continued to do it more. Little comments were just the typical MIL of son jealousy and resentment. But now, she has gotten totally evil since we're serious, she has always told him. She only wants it to be the four of them forever (my husband, his sister the dad and the mom) that is totally unrealistic. His sister just got married, and her husband gets the same treatment. Except behind his back, not to his face like I get.

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    • Him going by himself is not a good solution. That just means his mother will bad mouth you the entire time he is there. He needs to stand up for you and let her know that you are an important part of his life that will not be left at home nor will he allow her to treat you that way.
      I say again, therapy. His relationship with his mother is not healthy and he needs to realize that.

    • I understand what you're saying, but regardless of whether or not I go, she bad mouths me when I'm there/when I'm not there. I have personally gotten to a point, where I don't even want to be within 100 feet of the woman because she makes me so mad. I've expressed to my husband how she makes me feel, but I was always told to go with him when we went for dinner/they came here. After the weekend, there was a big blowout, and we've officially decided to never have us in the same room again for a VERY long time. The mother also wants this, finally I don't have to think about them. But my question is, I don't think it's right that my husband still sees them separately. I think he should tell them if you can't respect my wife, you can't respect me and therefore I won't be involved with you guys (his family) until you can. But he won't, he just says he isn't willing to completely cut them out of his life, but he won't bring them near me or make me uncomfortable ever again.

  • I'm sorry to hear about this, she definitely sounds extremely crazy and possessive. I think it was a good idea to ban them from your home temporarily and I would focus on you and the hubby and the relationship with his siblings for now. Try not to talk about his parents name keep your distance from them. Do not try to prevent him from seeing his family, though, that will create serious problems between you two and I'm sure you don't want that. When he goes over there, find a fun activity for you to do with your friends or alone to keep you busy.

    • Thank you, I really liked your reply. I will try to keep my mind busy when he goes over there. I'm wondering if this is something that will go on forever, a few months, years etc? It's a horrible situation to be in. So awkward and uncomfortable, for my husband too... as he is so close with them, it's hard because the mother won't accept ether of her children having spouses. Anyone that can take her "place", she is jealous bitter and resentful, almost insestual with my husband, she does it infront of me because she knows it makes me angry. I just get so mad at my husband because I feel he is way to gentle with her, and that he should have ripped her a new one the night she sent that really hurtful message calling me names. He told her it was not appreciated, but that was way too tame to me. I won't dwell on it, I just want the same respect and priority id give to him if my parents were remotely like this towards him.

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    • Thank you!!! Appreciated.

    • You're welcome. You can send me a message if you want to talk about it further.

  • This is very difficult for him to decide I can imagine. Because on one hand he has his family who has been there for him, hid entire life but on the other hand he has the love of his life. Since you don't get along he is torn. Naturally he wants his parents in his life which is why he takes their side but inside he can see both sides. In my opinion it is cruel to make him choose between two very important things. Even if he chose, he couldn't manage without either for his life. But it's your relationship to so in my opinion you should give him time to decide for himself. It isn't fair on him either remember.


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