Why can't I get myself to believe I'm in a abusive relationship?

I'm just venting here and would like some advice and support please..
My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years now. He kind of pressured it on me to marry him after dating him for 2 weeks. I'm 20 and he's 39. Well soon after we got married I got pregnant with my daughter. During my pregnancy he would get drunk almost every night and smoke pot. He would get mad at me over the stupidest things. He would constantly talk about his ex that he recently broken up with and he would scream and yell at me and break things because he was mad. But him doing this was my fault, so he says. If I didn't want to have sex with him he would cuss me out. He would say I'm a bitch and I don't love him. I wasn't allowed to visit my mom who lived in FL because he was scared I wouldn't come back. One time I did go down there without his permission and he threatened to kill my mom and etc. He even said he's gonna put a warrent out on me because I'm kidnapping his child ( I was still pregnant at the time ). I stayed a week with my mom and I went back to him. He promised me he would stop drinking and he would treat me better... I came back to lies. He was sober for a week than went back to the same shit. One time I had enough and wanted to leave so I tried to pack some clothes. He broke my drawer and took my phone from me. Even on my birthday he cussed me out because I went to the back of the line at a fast food restaurant instead of taking the short way back there. On my second birthday ( he was sober ) he kicked the bedroom
door in ( which was unlocked ) because I was running my mouth. When my daughter was born ( I had a C - Section ) I had to take care of her without any help. Now I'm pregnant with my son and I have to do everything by myself. I'm planning on leaving him next week. But I'm terrified. He knows where my mother lives and I just feel like he's gonna try to hurt us. But on the other hand I feel guilty for leaving him by himself. Help..
Why can't I get myself to believe I'm in a abusive relationship?
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