I slowly have done a few things, such as gone to a few meetup groups, which was fine. I joined a dating app and went on three different dates, one was really strange, and the other was lovely. Anyway I ended up having a one night stand type of thing with the last person. Since that night I have felt very down and withdrawn, and am missing the comfort of a relationship. Missing someone I am close to who I can be completely myself with. We just met up had some wine and went back to his, he was very nice and kind, and extremely shy, but also intelligent, the fact he was from the same country maybe brought back some nostalgic feelings. We ended up having coffee in the morning. He was talking about all these work commitments he has etc... which made me feel a bit useless. He wanted to take me out to breakfast, but I felt so cheap and weird, that I left. He hasn't contacted me since.
I want to be satisfied in my life, and have good people around me, but it is like I don't want to let people in, I just want to be alone. I am also worried I lost my grant for college at this point, and there is a lot of stress in my life. I am living at home, and not where I want to be in my life. I don't see how getting a part time job would fix that? maybe joining a gym? I need to do something to feel better. Under everything I do, and everyone I meet, part of me wishes I was with my ex, and I can't believe how much I miss him even now, I don't feel sad, but there is an emptiness and void that I feel nothing or nobody will fill. Maybe I will live with it for the rest of my life? It just feels like something is deeply wrong, and I don't know what.