What is he getting at?

Please help translate this email...

My boyfriend of almost 5 years broke up with me over the phone before deploying overseas. 4 months later I received this email. What does it mean? Does he want to be friends or is it just an apology? Is there a hidden meaning behind the email? We have had absolutely no contact since the breakup. The relationship ended very abruptly and I keep thinking this is his way of getting closure. Or maybe he is just bored overseas and needs a pen pal. What would be the point of remaining friends with him if the relationship is over? I would consider replying if there was a chance that we could work things out, but I don't gather that from this email. I really appreciate any feedback because I was finally getting over the relationship until this email took me by surprise.

Diane,

I debated writing you for a long time. You were my best friend for about 5 years of my life. I had written a lot of things down but really I'm sure you don't want to hear them. All I can honestly say is that I am truly sorry, I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I know you probably hate me and I will never hear from you again but I had to tell you that. All I want is you to be happy, be loved and smile. You're a smart woman and I know you deserve those things in life and I was only dragging you down. I'm sure you already feel this way but I think I needed to tell you anyways. If I had been capable of doing it I would have loved to. You are a good woman.

Adam


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Most Helpful Guy

  • This letter is an excellent example. Look closely at the form of the first 3 sentences: they all talk about a wavering back and forth of ideas and emotions over a period of time. Debated - long time, best friend - 5 years, wrote things down, they didn't pass muster. This is a very macho, very high testosterone guy with a very manly view of himself and the world.

    He feels that you and he are highly polar: that he's very masculine and you're very feminine. He feels that this wide gulf that separates you two can't be bridged, and it's tragic that he can't do more for you because he admires you so much. His period of dwelling on this is over and this letter is the result of his inner mulling.

    You should feel flattered that you meant so much to him that he thought about you so often, you could thank him for that. But he knows it's over, his guilt has evolved into a recognition of the tragedy of your story together, he was only so much to blame and the rest was cruel fate. He's hoping that the failure that you 2 experienced will educate you and propel you towards happiness, because he admires you and wishes you the best. He didn't talk to you for all those years, but his mind talked about you hundreds of times, he felt he owed you this.

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What Guys Said 10

  • this guy sounds very kind. He isn't hanging on, and can move on, and would be happy if you did too, but he wants that possibility that when he comes home you will have some sort of a relationship be it casual or more. I would say not to read into it too much, but I htink he would like to keep the communication lines open. The break up was extremely hard on him too. Five year relationships, if they fizzle, they fizzle, but that is a lot of memories and to completely throw it away, as hard as you try will be nearly impossible. while you may never hang out, you will always call each other once and a while I think, a very special relationship, especially if you broke up under these conditions.The conniving part of my brain though says that he wants you back at least on some level, he doesn't want ot loose everything. This is the type of message that I would write first to test what she was feeling, but don't jump on this, it depends on the person. I mean first a seemingly genuine apology, which is great, but then a plea for pity, " you prob hate me" and "i was only dragging you down", he wants you to say "no you werent". All of this is filled with compliments too, and a concern for your happiness. If there were no intentions of keeping his foot in your um "door" I think he would have left out the pity

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  • You should write back and let him know all the things he wants for you, he provided. And you didn't feel dragged along, but if he's over you then tell him to have a good life.

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  • Ever thought that he couldn't stand seeing you cry if he would break up with you face to face? So he thought that if he broke up over the phone you would come to hate him much faster and get over him and move on much faster.

    Just put yourself in his shoes and think.

    It's sounds like this have been agonizing him the whole time and it's understandable no one want to end things like that.

    He just want to show you what he felt and what he didn't dare to say before he went overseas.

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  • Not being either party and knowing every detail it's hard to give an 100% sure fire answer. Maybe he's trying to give your relationship a good proper end or he's trying to leave things the best possible thinking at some point that you might meet again and doesn't want a bad moment if he were to cross paths. Being in the service he's in a environment were other guys talk about their girl back home as a way to keep from losing there mind while fighting. So good or bad he probably does think of you and may ponder that he shouldn't have broke things off but I don't know what was said in the end only you know that.

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  • Diane,

    You were my best friend . I am truly sorry.you probably hate me and I will never hear from you again. I want you to be happy, be loved and smile. You're a smart woman and I know you deserve those things in life and I was dragging you down. I'm sure you feel this way. If I had been capable of doing it I would . You are a good woman.

    Adam

    I hope this helps it might make more sense to though.

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  • It sounds like he was sorry he had to break up with you. It sounds like he didn't want you waiting for him while he was in the military, and he didn't like having to brake up over the phone.

    I was less than nice to a girl in the past and now I feel horrible about it and wish I could tell her how sorry and embarrassed I am about it.

    At least that is how I see it.

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  • He wants to stay friends, but doesn't feel like you are right for each other. Don't try to get back with him, or it'll be awkward for you both, and probably painful as well. It sounds like you're not over him, and I wouldn't contact him until you are comfortable (more or less) seeing him with another woman. When you get to that point, you're reasonably over him.

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  • I think he wanted to stay with you, But he was going overseas and didn't want you worried about him while he was over there.

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  • No hidden meaning, he's just sorry.

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  • sounds like he is giving you closure, he has made up his mind he is moving on so should you

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What Girls Said 29

  • I think my first thought was that he was just feeling bad and wants to seem like a good guy.

    But one of the big things that gets me is that he is deployed overseas. That can affect someone so much. If he is thinking about the possibility of getting killed, it can make him make snap decisions. Being with someone for 5 years and then breaking up with them over the phone is kind of crazy.

    There is that saying "There are no atheists in foxholes". People rethink what they believe in, what they love, and what they want in the face of war or loss.

    Some of his phrases can come off as generic break up lines but seems odd 4 months later when he is overseas. It seems unnecessary unless he just wanted to get some things of his chest.

    Going overseas can make people break up cause they realize they don't want the person anymore but it can also be because they don't think the person will wait for him or a million other reasons.

    If you still care for him I don't see any reason not to respond back and share how you feel about what happened. It may allow you to get some questions resolved. It does seem like he does at least want a response to the email. I would just make sure to not get too involved, hoping it can be more unless he says it is. If he is overseas he may want to have someone to talk to.

    If it was a 5 month relationship I might think different but 5 years is a long time. It's not easy to get rid of feelings after 5 years even if you were the person who did the breaking up. If you were best friends for 5 years, I totally understand wanting a friendship even if you can't have more.

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  • It sounds to me like he may be apologizing but not to you directly for breaking your heart but apologizing for a mistake he maybe made while in the relationship. I mean that because that's what a lot of men do! Yes, it does also seem like he may also need a pen pal overseas and maybe something made him want to reach out to you because he knows you would respond back and feed into it. And out of all of that he says "you were his best friend for 5 years" -bestfriends don't just close the door and walk away like he did so obviously he wasn't the best-of-friend to you. All I'm saying is that if you do choose to take that step as far as talking to him again...take it slow. He's overseas so there's no telling how many other women he's writing to...ASK YOURSELF: Have you been happy so far without him?...Don't let him hurt you again while he just moves on as he did already. (Men intend to push women away when they're making a mistake or their just not happy but don't know how to word it) Take your time...this time (if there is one)

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  • Awwww sounds like a very sweet email actually. It sounds like he is apologizing and wants the best for you. I could feel he was sincere and also as if he wanted to get somethings off his chest and just let you know that he wants you to have better. For some reason it doesn't seem like he feel he is the best for you for some reason. If he is good enough for you, you should let him know that - unless he did you unforgiveably wrong. I don't know the whole cause/circumstances surrounding breaking up, but he sounds like a good guy. You should talk to him, I don't think he wrote all of that in a bad way, such as letting you know there is no chance of working things out. Again, for some reason seems like he feels he's not good enough for you. If he is, let him know. If he is not good for you,let him go. Only you know if he is good enough for you or not.

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  • I think that he did what he thought was best for the both of you. Could he have been more tactful, maybe, maybe not. Maybe it would have been a confrontation (he felt) and he figured to just end it sharply. Neither way would have made it any easier but I feel good about the fact that he still took the time to write and apologize. Anything could happen to him out their protecting our country. I would not hate him if I were you but respect the time that you did have together and at least hold on to that friendship maybe through being a pen pal. Go with your own feelings on this but I really feel that he is sorry and truly loves you. Good Luck! Ty-lady!

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  • If a guy I loved sent this to me, I'd desperately want to believe this means there IS a chance for us after all, as well.

    To be honest, I don't know what to think from this letter. It does sound like either he doesn't want any more contact (in which case, you should oblige) or that he feels so horrible about himself he doesn't think it's an option.

    It might just be an apology (he owed you that, at LEAST) ... but you can still reply if you think it will give you no peace. Don't put too much emotion into it, however. Just say something like "Thank you very much." I like the ambiguity of that, but it's also true. Perhaps then it'll be easier to simply let him go.

    Don't hope that you will be together again. First, because you shouldn't ... he left you in a very immature and sudden manner. Gosh, you've been going out for five years! And second, it doesn't sound like he's ready to change or anything at all.

    But hey - nice of him to send you this.

    He's probably right about he wrote about you so smile and find someone who can show you love back. But he - let him go. He truly doesn't deserve you.

    You can reply with a short letter, or even not say anything. That depends on you.

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  • He might have had a guilty conscience about the whole thing and also he might REALLY be a good guy who made a sh*tty mistake. You know him best so do you think his apology is genuine or more for himself than for you?

    Also, if he is testing the waters to see if he has a shot with you I would hope he would just man up and flat out say it. Otherwise if he IS testing the waters it's because he doesn't want to be the one to initiate and I think that if the breakup is on him, then so should the reconciliation!

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  • Hmmm...well he obviously wrote you for a reason right? Its hard to say what he wants from you at this point, if you are hoping to possibly reconcile with him then I would definitely write back. Its possible he is regretting his decision and this is his way of getting back into your life. He's not going to put himself out there right away if he does miss you, he probably wants to see if you respond and how you're feeling and go from there. Be honest with him but don't divulge too much too fast. Tell him you accept his apology and know that things worked out for the best. Then see where it goes...good luck! :)

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  • I don't think he wants to be friends. It is an apology and closure for him. He feels guilty for breaking up with you so suddenly (and over the phone, no less), and wrote this to you so you don't remember him as a jerk. It's good that you were getting over that guy, and continue on the same path.

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  • i think he is missing you at least as a friend. He is apologizing and he is hoping you write back but wouldn't be mad at you if you didnt.. It sounds like he hurt you and he regrets it. He is learning that he let a good woman go. He still cares about you. ( after five years its hard not to care about an old loved one at some point )... My advice to you would be to write back to him if you feel in your heart that you can be his friend. But only a true friend.. if you still care too much about him and feel like you still want to get back together. Then just don't write back. Take it as a nice thank you card and continue to heal your heart...

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  • F*** MEN, RIGHT? No, he's just trying to be nice and give you what he thinks you want. He wants to give you closure, and himself closure as well. If you wanna dig under his skin then just don't reply too him. Lol. Hmm, at least he was honorable though. Most guys just quit cold turkey.

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  • Honestly? It sounds like he's trying to make himself feel better by getting forgiveness from you. He's making himself the victim. You deserve better than that.

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  • He doesn't think he is good enough for you, that's why he broke up with you. It sounds like he probably wrote a longer email which had an thorough explanation of why he broke up with you, but he didn't send it because he didn't want to sound needy. He said that he wants you to "be loved and smile". That makes me think that he was not in love with you.

    I think it's hard for our service men to be over seas with a girlfriend. Not only do they have the extra worries about what your doing, but they probably feel bad for leaving you alone for so long. I'd say, write him back. Tell him that if he still has more that he wants to say, it's okay. Tell him that he wasn't dragging you down. But you should probably wait until he gets home to rekindle any relationship that might be left, just to spare him.

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  • the man is playing with your feelings. he wants closure for himself not to make you feel happy. whether he thought of you or not shoouldnt matter at this point. he broke up with you for a reason and he clearly states that he misses you as a freind. since you were his best freind for so long he wants someone he can talk to and be there for him. in my opinion maybe you shoild just say no hard feelings, I wish you the best and thank you. or if you would like to be a bitch say absolutly nothing and let him drown in his own river.

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  • I think that he misses you.. he had written down a lot of things to say before finaly sending this, which means that he must have been thinking about you..

    I think he misses you but still believes its not going to work and is sorry.. and just wanted to let you know as a farewell that you really are a great person and deserve the best...

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  • I think this letter is telling you that the reason things ended was because his deployment, he just wanted you to be happy to find someone else that can be there with you to make you happy since he couldn't. he just wants the best for you and that shows that he really loves and cares for you and just wants you to be happy and wants the best for you. I think he wants to at least be friends. being overseas got him to do a lot of thinking and if he just wanted to talk to someone for fun he wouldn't of wasted his time writing you. its a pretty short email but I think he wanted to keep it short and simple looks like he did a lot of editing.

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  • He didn't want you to hurt by him leave so he cared fot you so much that he felt the best thing for him to do was to break up with you so that you could be happy. If you really want to be with him I think you should let him know that you don't mind a long distance relationship and so on, do not just give up, obviously he still cares about you

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  • He didn't know how to break up with you to your face...but all men are prideful and egotistical. He feels bad for breaking up with you, but knew it wasn't going to work out. By telling you he was only dragging you down, really means, he doesn't want to be with you. It's the truth in a nice way of putting it.

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  • Diane, I believe this in an apology as this is the only message he has sent you in 4 months. If he wanted to still be friends, I believe he would try contacting you more. I think he was just sorry for the way he ended things over the phone. I think this is is way of getting closure.

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  • He seems genuinely sorry, maybe the overseas thing was the reason he broke up with you and he feels bad. I would say talk to him, but as a friend.

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  • I think he feels like he's holding you back and making you feel upset and heartbroken and lost because he's away. And he wants you to be with somebody who will be there for you and with you 24/7.

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  • I think he didn't want the relationship to drag out while he was overseas. It can be tough, I think he just didn't want to hurt you, because he seemed to have loved you a lot.

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  • Looks like he still wants to be your friend and that he's really sorry for hurting you :)

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  • He's being straight to the point. Its just an apology.

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  • Hes apologizing because he thinks you deserved a better response than the phone call break up he gave you the first time around. That's it. The parts about him being not good enough for you, means just that. If a guy really wants to be with a girl he will man up and do it. He just wasn't in a place where he could commit to being with you or anyone and nothing has changed, except that he misses your friendship, but not the relationship, and is trying to lessen his guilt for the way he left things.

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  • He is taking the fall for this. And he feels guilty. He wants you to know that he did appreciate what you had. I don't see it as a reconciliation letter, rather just putting bygones aside and saying "I should of been a better guy to you. I should have appreciated you. Although it's too late, I want to tell you your true worth." It's like a girl that teased me in school. 20 years later I got a letter to apologize for her behavior. She didn't expect to meet up with me or hang out. She needed to clear this to forgive herself. She wanted forgiveness too, but I think it's more about forgiving himself. So he can move on. I'm sure there is hurt and missing you a tad in that letter. But it seems to me he's accepted what it is. Perhaps also something happened to him personally in his life, that made him realize this.. It could be anything. Responding to him can open up more wounds and it can lead to more pain. You may not hear what you want to hear, depending what that is. It may be a good idea to let this one go. But, I also feel life is too short. And if you're still in love with him, a brief, gentle and kind letter saying "Thank you for your really kind letter. It meant a lot to me." Diane - No one knows but you -

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  • he may be wanting to be friends and finally admitting that it's his fault. or he may be worried he won't see you again so he wants to make sure that you know how he really feels.

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  • I totally think he is still seeing if he has you on his leash. Send him a short brief message back or ignore him and move on. I think by you telling him you forgive him, he feel closure. It seems some what selfish, but may be I am wrong.

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  • First of all I'm sorry you're going through this. In my opion this doesn't sound like he wants a pen pal. I think he genuinly cares for you and feels sorry that the relationship had to end the way it did. Maybe in a way he needed closure therefore he chose to send you an email. He said he wrote down a lot of things but you probably wouldn't want to hear them. So I think he just wanted to apologize and say sorry for how things went down. And just wish you the best. I don't know what the reason were tha that you guys broke up, but in most cases they'll always be there.

    I myself had to let go of someone I was with for 7 years, so I feel your pain. I don't think you should stay friends, at least for now. I tried this with my ex. But when there is so much history you need to give yourself time to move on and heal. Maybe in time you can become part of each others' lives again. Everything gets better in time! Good luck to you!

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  • without going into the detail everyone else has, It seems you have no interest in being his friend without the relationship so in the long run I think its best to leave it as it is

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