What is he getting at?

Please help translate this email...

My boyfriend of almost 5 years broke up with me over the phone before deploying overseas. 4 months later I received this email. What does it mean? Does he want to be friends or is it just an apology? Is there a hidden meaning behind the email? We have had absolutely no contact since the breakup. The relationship ended very abruptly and I keep thinking this is his way of getting closure. Or maybe he is just bored overseas and needs a pen pal. What would be the point of remaining friends with him if the relationship is over? I would consider replying if there was a chance that we could work things out, but I don't gather that from this email. I really appreciate any feedback because I was finally getting over the relationship until this email took me by surprise.

Diane,

I debated writing you for a long time. You were my best friend for about 5 years of my life. I had written a lot of things down but really I'm sure you don't want to hear them. All I can honestly say is that I am truly sorry, I mean that from the bottom of my heart. I know you probably hate me and I will never hear from you again but I had to tell you that. All I want is you to be happy, be loved and smile. You're a smart woman and I know you deserve those things in life and I was only dragging you down. I'm sure you already feel this way but I think I needed to tell you anyways. If I had been capable of doing it I would have loved to. You are a good woman.

Adam


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  • This letter is an excellent example. Look closely at the form of the first 3 sentences: they all talk about a wavering back and forth of ideas and emotions over a period of time. Debated - long time, best friend - 5 years, wrote things down, they didn't pass muster. This is a very macho, very high testosterone guy with a very manly view of himself and the world.

    He feels that you and he are highly polar: that he's very masculine and you're very feminine. He feels that this wide gulf that separates you two can't be bridged, and it's tragic that he can't do more for you because he admires you so much. His period of dwelling on this is over and this letter is the result of his inner mulling.

    You should feel flattered that you meant so much to him that he thought about you so often, you could thank him for that. But he knows it's over, his guilt has evolved into a recognition of the tragedy of your story together, he was only so much to blame and the rest was cruel fate. He's hoping that the failure that you 2 experienced will educate you and propel you towards happiness, because he admires you and wishes you the best. He didn't talk to you for all those years, but his mind talked about you hundreds of times, he felt he owed you this.

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What Guys Said 10

  • this guy sounds very kind. He isn't hanging on, and can move on, and would be happy if you did too, but he wants that possibility that when he comes home you will have some sort of a relationship be it casual or more. I would say not to read into it too much, but I htink he would like to keep the communication lines open. The break up was extremely hard on him too. Five year relationships, if they fizzle, they fizzle, but that is a lot of memories and to completely throw it away, as hard as you try will be nearly impossible. while you may never hang out, you will always call each other once and a while I think, a very special relationship, especially if you broke up under these conditions.The conniving part of my brain though says that he wants you back at least on some level, he doesn't want ot loose everything. This is the type of message that I would write first to test what she was feeling, but don't jump on this, it depends on the person. I mean first a seemingly genuine apology, which is great, but then a plea for pity, " you prob hate me" and "i was only dragging you down", he wants you to say "no you werent". All of this is filled with compliments too, and a concern for your happiness. If there were no intentions of keeping his foot in your um "door" I think he would have left out the pity

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  • Ever thought that he couldn't stand seeing you cry if he would break up with you face to face? So he thought that if he broke up over the phone you would come to hate him much faster and get over him and move on much faster.

    Just put yourself in his shoes and think.

    It's sounds like this have been agonizing him the whole time and it's understandable no one want to end things like that.

    He just want to show you what he felt and what he didn't dare to say before he went overseas.

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  • You should write back and let him know all the things he wants for you, he provided. And you didn't feel dragged along, but if he's over you then tell him to have a good life.

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  • He wants to stay friends, but doesn't feel like you are right for each other. Don't try to get back with him, or it'll be awkward for you both, and probably painful as well. It sounds like you're not over him, and I wouldn't contact him until you are comfortable (more or less) seeing him with another woman. When you get to that point, you're reasonably over him.

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  • Diane,

    You were my best friend . I am truly sorry.you probably hate me and I will never hear from you again. I want you to be happy, be loved and smile. You're a smart woman and I know you deserve those things in life and I was dragging you down. I'm sure you feel this way. If I had been capable of doing it I would . You are a good woman.

    Adam

    I hope this helps it might make more sense to though.

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What Girls Said 29

  • I think my first thought was that he was just feeling bad and wants to seem like a good guy.

    But one of the big things that gets me is that he is deployed overseas. That can affect someone so much. If he is thinking about the possibility of getting killed, it can make him make snap decisions. Being with someone for 5 years and then breaking up with them over the phone is kind of crazy.

    There is that saying "There are no atheists in foxholes". People rethink what they believe in, what they love, and what they want in the face of war or loss.

    Some of his phrases can come off as generic break up lines but seems odd 4 months later when he is overseas. It seems unnecessary unless he just wanted to get some things of his chest.

    Going overseas can make people break up cause they realize they don't want the person anymore but it can also be because they don't think the person will wait for him or a million other reasons.

    If you still care for him I don't see any reason not to respond back and share how you feel about what happened. It may allow you to get some questions resolved. It does seem like he does at least want a response to the email. I would just make sure to not get too involved, hoping it can be more unless he says it is. If he is overseas he may want to have someone to talk to.

    If it was a 5 month relationship I might think different but 5 years is a long time. It's not easy to get rid of feelings after 5 years even if you were the person who did the breaking up. If you were best friends for 5 years, I totally understand wanting a friendship even if you can't have more.

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  • It sounds to me like he may be apologizing but not to you directly for breaking your heart but apologizing for a mistake he maybe made while in the relationship. I mean that because that's what a lot of men do! Yes, it does also seem like he may also need a pen pal overseas and maybe something made him want to reach out to you because he knows you would respond back and feed into it. And out of all of that he says "you were his best friend for 5 years" -bestfriends don't just close the door and walk away like he did so obviously he wasn't the best-of-friend to you. All I'm saying is that if you do choose to take that step as far as talking to him again...take it slow. He's overseas so there's no telling how many other women he's writing to...ASK YOURSELF: Have you been happy so far without him?...Don't let him hurt you again while he just moves on as he did already. (Men intend to push women away when they're making a mistake or their just not happy but don't know how to word it) Take your time...this time (if there is one)

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  • If a guy I loved sent this to me, I'd desperately want to believe this means there IS a chance for us after all, as well.

    To be honest, I don't know what to think from this letter. It does sound like either he doesn't want any more contact (in which case, you should oblige) or that he feels so horrible about himself he doesn't think it's an option.

    It might just be an apology (he owed you that, at LEAST) ... but you can still reply if you think it will give you no peace. Don't put too much emotion into it, however. Just say something like "Thank you very much." I like the ambiguity of that, but it's also true. Perhaps then it'll be easier to simply let him go.

    Don't hope that you will be together again. First, because you shouldn't ... he left you in a very immature and sudden manner. Gosh, you've been going out for five years! And second, it doesn't sound like he's ready to change or anything at all.

    But hey - nice of him to send you this.

    He's probably right about he wrote about you so smile and find someone who can show you love back. But he - let him go. He truly doesn't deserve you.

    You can reply with a short letter, or even not say anything. That depends on you.

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  • I don't think he wants to be friends. It is an apology and closure for him. He feels guilty for breaking up with you so suddenly (and over the phone, no less), and wrote this to you so you don't remember him as a jerk. It's good that you were getting over that guy, and continue on the same path.

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  • F*** MEN, RIGHT? No, he's just trying to be nice and give you what he thinks you want. He wants to give you closure, and himself closure as well. If you wanna dig under his skin then just don't reply too him. Lol. Hmm, at least he was honorable though. Most guys just quit cold turkey.

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