Would you ever send a "Dear John" Letter instead of waiting to to break up with them in person?

If your boyfriend/girlfriend was gone to military training or on a deployment would you send a dear john letter instead of waiting to to break up with them in person?

If you were going to leave them regardless

  • Yes, I would send a letter to end things
    Vote A
  • No, I would wait to do it in person
    Vote B
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This happened to me

I just wanted to see how many other people are like my ex and why someone would do that, other than for selfish reasons

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Most Helpful Girl

  • personally, I wouldn't. I'd at least wait until they are in a better situation to handle my bad news

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What Girls Said 13

  • This would be tough. Idealistically in this situation, I'd want to wait it out to be in person. On the other hand, if its going to be longer than a few months to a year; that is a long time to put your life on hold if things are going badly or your life has moved in another direction since. I'd like to say I wouldn't break it off if them being away was the only reason, if there's strong other reasons (life changes, personality, what have you) I'd at least call and try to talk through it first. Defiantly not a break up letter though, at the very least let them be able to respond.

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  • I mean, I haven't been in that situation, but I'd like to think I'd have the decency to do it in person. Considering it's probably bad enough for them that they are on a deployment and away from home that a dear john letter would make it so much worse. It just seems so harsh to send a letter where they have no control over the situation and are so far away they can't fix it.

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  • I personally would rather, if I can't see the person for a long time, and I know we are breaking up, I'd rather tell them. I respect all my exes too much to let them feel secure in a relationship that is crumbling beneath them.

    I would rather know, as well, than have it last to the point where I'm wondering if the whole relationship has been simply a waste of time, just so that I would have to be broken up with by letter.

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  • Yes, I would.

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    • Why? I'm curious

    • Because you have to let them go sooner or later, and if they came back and then I told them I would feel like I was getting them excited for nothing- because then id just end up hurting them, and I can't stand hurting people.

  • i would wait and do it in person, it's common courtesy

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  • if there's a reason for me to break-up with him,i would rather do it in person so that we can clarify all the issues..

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  • No, that's just wrong

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  • No, it is a whole lot meaner. It's a lot easier getting over the break-up if they do it in person. Sorry that you had that happen to you. It seems like she wasn't the right person for you.

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  • ouch, tuff question... I suppose it depends why you were gonna break up to begin with.

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    • Suppose the military was the main reason (i.e. distance, time apart, availability to sleep with different partners)

    • Depends when they were going to be face to face next... but if it wasn't some practical time frame, I'd at least do it over the phone or video chat.

  • I would wait because it's just the right thing to do and as you have said it's selfish I mean it would be easier to do it in person because you could actually talk through it.

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  • I have noticed that a lot of people who go into the military break up as soon as they go or soon after. I don't understand this. If say I was with someone who was going into the military, and we loved each other, I would not want him to break up with me cos he was going into service.

    I think if it was called for though, breaking up in person is better, as then you can understand and see how each other is feeling, writing a letter is such a cheat and easy option.

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  • i would never breakup with someone while they were deployed. if I didn't think I could handle someone being gone for a long time I'd break it off before they left. I don't even think when they came back if emotions weren't there I'd break up with them. I'd at least wait a while to see if I was still into them. I really don't think its fair to do that to someone who's fighting to keep America free. and I really admire and appreciate you and it sucks that you're girlfriend broke up with over a letter while you were deployed. I'd never do that to anyone. lots of love.??? and btw: you should watch dear john. good movie. sad, but good.

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    • And who would break up with you? yore so attractive.

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    • Oops this was meant to be placed in response to the post below :)

    • Haha I can't say I hate it (never saw it) but if its about a girl running around while he is gone then id have to say that's pretty spot on in my case

  • First of all, that book/movie sucked. It wasn't that sad or even that emotional. I mean, people break up all the time. People break up over the phone, IM, email, texting. What difference would it have made if she broke up with him in person? It wouldn't have changed the outcome. And she would have led him on longer than she already had. I would break up via letter if I was in that situation. She has to move on with her life and John just wasn't the right guy for her

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    • There's a book/movie? I'm sorry I was unaware of that when I received one while I was deployed defending my country. And her reason, "i don't want to wait any longer, I have needs". I'm not attacking you, but I wasn't referring to a movie I was speaking from personal experience.

    • I didn't know it happened to you, I'm sorry it did.

      I was referring to the book by nicholas sparks and the movie:

      https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0989757/

    • Oops, the comment I left on the above post was supposed to be placed here :)

What Guys Said 5

  • Are you in the army or somewhere else where it would be a high crime to meet the person face to face? If so, go right ahead and do it via a written media.

    If your partner is in that situation instead of you, well, a dear john letters are pretty freaking terrible thing to do to them... but you also don't have any other option, so you have to look out for yourself and bite the bullet here and send the horrible dear john letter. (no one should be unhappy in their relationship and be powerless to fix it, no matter how undesirable your only option out may be).

    anyone else: have some class and do it in person, or at the very least not over any written medias.

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  • Ha, I love everyone's idealism.

    Girls hate feeling guilty about sleeping with 'multiple' guys. Hate it.

    So they'll stay put till you get back, unless another guy approaches them and catches their eye.

    It can be even worse in the Mormon Church. My friends in the LDS tell me some of the guys that go on mission get their Dear John letters within weeks, with the added insult of it being 'God's Way'.

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    • Comes right around to that "Needs" bs that my ex spouted. I was just shocked about how little effort is put into the letter to make it easier on the other person. I've read a fair share, they are all full of selfish reasons, sex being a driving factor for most

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    • I got one 2 weeks before I came home, but decided to extend my tour because I had no where to go anymore.

      Unsafe? More like putting a round in the chamber. I do admit that the military life is far from conducive for a healthy relationship, just glad I'm on reserve status now.

    • It is such a cop out to just say that it's "God's Way". That was not God's way...the person chose it to be that way

  • no this sounds like a silly idea , don't send the letter just do it over the phone at least if you can't see them in person but a letter isn't a great idea

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    • Sounds silly, but it happened to me and two of my bros during out deployment

    • Its very common for relationships to end during deployment. If you plan on being career military its good to get rid on the ones who can't handle it at home now. I think it takes a strong woman to handle it, you don't want anything less I'm sure.

    • Well sorry to hear that , I though you were thinking of doing this . didn't realize you had got such a letter when overseas . it seems like a dumb thing for someone to do

  • well I understand but why should the person wait and drag things out...I would just rather get a letter myself than think for 6 months or so they still liked me...and them fake it all and then when we got together have the bomb drop...

    use your brain.

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  • to me it sounds like a break-up through a Text Message.

    Which is something you never do

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