What is my husband thinking?

I want opinions from men. I have been with my husband for 13 years. Married for 7. He has always treated me respectfully, and has never called me names, or deprived me of anything. If I want to go somewhere, or buy something he has never had a problem with it. He'll call me beautiful on my worst days, and will go to the store without hesitation if I need something. But here's the thing. Every time we argue, he is really mean. We don't argue much, but when we do he will say really cruel things. Not about my image or anything like that. But an example would be " In all honesty, I never wanted to marry you. You have done nothing but ruin my life." The next day he will apologise because I'm a very relaxed person and I don't hold him back from anything. Then as soon as he gets home, he'll pick something random and argue about it. Calling me lazy etc. we have 4 kids. Our house is always clean, and food is always cooked. I'm not an argumentative person; but he will push me until I respond to his ignorance. Does he actually feel this way about me? Because the way he says it, and the look in his eyes is so serious.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • i think @joygirl is right, he might be under pressure from work or something. just tell him that you're there for him no matter what and you'll support him, u can't believe what this words can do to a man coming from his wife
    i hoep everything work out for u two 😊 😊 😊

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Most Helpful Girl

  • It's hard to say without knowing the guy whether or not he says these things about you based on his true feelings or otherwise.

    He may just be an argumentative person. Perhaps he starts off by wanting to discuss something that is upsetting him, but when he feels he is losing control of where the discussion (or argument) is going, he may resort to immature tactics--name calling, being generally disagreeable or oppositional, being unapologetic, being unreasonable, swearing, yelling, walking away, mocking, etc.--as a way of regaining his ground.

    That said, perhaps he is simply not skilled in the art of conversation (or argument). What I mean, specifically, is that some people can carry on discussions with certain people (or about certain topics), and not with (or about) others. It's possible he doesn't feel that he can be as open or honest with you as he'd like to be, and so he hijacks the whole thing and becomes a verbal terrorist.

    Then there are the types of people who are intolerant of opinions that aren't theirs, and they are oppositional to everything you say. These people can be charming and easy-going during simple day-to-day discussions, and impossible to talk to during a disagreement.

    And then there's the more passive-aggressive variety of person--the type whom I would refer to as a "fair-weather friend." These types simply can't be bothered to have an honest disagreement with someone else. And if all else fails and they must, they find the quickest (and sometimes dirtiest) way to get out of it--by being a total jerk or stonewalling.

    Based on your description of your husband, I'm going to assume he's not particularly passive-aggressive, since he is "pushing" you into these arguments. He strikes me as the type who is simply intolerant, and doesn't want to give you a chance to "win the fight," so to speak. He wants to win by default by employing these tactics in order to make you give up because you're upset over this new piece of the argument. By turning your attention away from the issue that was raised, and turning it instead into insulting condescension, he is trying to control the outcome by being a dick.

    It's easy to say hurtful things in anger, but if that's the case you and your husband need to discuss it truthfully, and probably employ a therapist. Both of you need to be happy in your marriage in order for it to last. And frankly, your husband probably needs anger management.

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    • Thank you so much for your response. That's such an eye opener. He definitely has more pro's than con's. He does not hold me back from going out whilst he watches the kids. (Rarely, but that's because I am a pretty big bookworm and hermit. Lol. He gives me a lot of happiness, as I give to him. If I am tired that day he'll tell me not to clean, or to have a rest. But when we argue; it's like I don't know him. He's turns into Satan. He has never touched me or become physical; but words can cut a lot deeper honestly. Some things he says makes me want to leave him, but then I think how can I leave someone who is only horrible 15% of the time. I hate confrontation, and I hate anger. I didn't grow up watching arguments or yelling. I grew up in a vey old fashioned, calm and loving home. So when someone yells at me, or gets angry I cry. I know, I'm such a loser lol, but I do. I'm a massive empath; so it drains me emotionally. I don't know how much longer I can take it though.

    • no you're not a loser. men just aee things different, and anger fields most of their choices and decision making, even when it doesn't seem like it. I believe you when you say he's a great guy, and I know you guys will be okay, but both of you have to work at it. and also accept the possibility that he may never change, and you may have to accept this negative thing about him. I am not an expert, but my husband is an angry man and I deal with this from him on a regular basis. I am not saying you should take it lying down. you're absolutely entitled to be upset with his threats and negativity. and you're allowed to call him out on it. fighting, evem dirty fighting, is not a dealbreaker, its just a hurdle. you can make it girl. ☺

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What Guys Said 5

  • I believe that anger makes people say what they really think or feel about things sometimes, so I always listen carefully. If in an argument, my partner told me that he had never wanted to marry me and that I had ruined his life, it would be difficult for me to imagine salvaging our relationship. I would be very worried by these sorts of statements.

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  • he mean every word of it baby even though you have those kids you need to protect them it's only going to get worse with that apologizing does not do nothing whenever he gets over what he's doing it will never change it will only get worse

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  • i dont think that this is negitive. i think that he is expecting more from you as a wife i mean to take care of things etc.
    and yeah dont feel bad or confused bcz there is arguments in btwn wife and husbnd in every family. So dont b panic. just try to handl every situation with smile.
    and one more thing is that u are having kids so for kids a mom dad relation is very necessery so try to understand eachother for the sake of childrens and dont let any mistake or situation effect them. God bless.

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  • How old is he?

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    • Show All
    • Yes, my family offer to take the children a lot. But he works long hours 14-18 hours a day, 6 days a week. So I know he is very, very tired. I am one of those a wives that do anything and everything for my husband. If he needs something, I get it done without complaining. I have been there for him so much that I feel I've lost quite a bit of my own identity. It's nearly our anniversary so we have planned a night out star gazing on the back of his ute with a bottle of wine. Haha! I've tried to organise nights out with his friends and he just... won't... go... He always has an excuse to not enjoy himself. His friends accuse me of holding him up because he uses me as an excuse to come home. And when he gets home I always say "Why are you home?". It's embarrassing because it makes me look very controlling, when really I'm the one who wanted him to go out in the first place. I've tried to get him to go to counselling, marriage therapy and all of those kinds of things, but he refuses.

    • Ok, for sure the hours he works is a major problem. Are those hours mandatory? I know you said he makes good money, but are those hours actually financially needed to pay the bills? He need to cut back. I think he is burnt out. Maybe this is all he feels he has and simply doesn't know what else to do. Like he is hiding in his work? Something else, I don't want to scare you, but maybe he is hiding something, like a gambling problem or major financial mistake or loss that cost a lot of money. Do you have access to the money and see there are no major financial problems?

  • He probably has external pressure. Work or otherwise.

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What Girls Said 2

  • That is mental abuse, you are better off without him Honey! :(

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  • Maybe something is bothering him...

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