Stay or Leave? Don't be afraid to be honest?

I've been with my boyfriend for over 3 years now. I don't want us to break up for now, but in the long run I'm not 100% sure it'll work out because I know/expect we will differ in our opinions about religion, marriage, money, where to live, and children.
It's not like we have a lot of problems or arguments now because those topics aren't too relevant yet. Maybe I'm just being too paranoid about future problems. But is it fairer to the both of us to play it safe and break up, or take a risk and stay together, facing an unknown and uncertain future?

  • Stay
    Vote A
  • Leave
    Vote B
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Most Helpful Guy

  • You both have to be willing to compromize on some things. You guys could make a relationship work with different views on religion as long as you aren't forcing your religion on the other and respecting the other's religious practices. As long as you don't have completely opposite religions like you're a hardcore catholic while he's a hardcore satanist or vice versa I think you guys could work.

    Some guys have a more cautious view of marriage mainly because he's the one who's going to be taking more risk when it comes to divorce, alimoney, and losing custody of his children and child support.

    As for money you're going to have to compromise, it's wise to save money and invest but you also need to realize that sometimes it's nice to treat yourself. Also it's okay to spend a bit on hobbies. As long as the bills are getting paid and you're saving well enough for retirement you should be good.

    As for where to live you guys should choose a place that works best for both of your career paths. I know there are some places that I'd like to live but may hold off on due to them being too expensive or not really having a great economy or job market. This is somehting that you guys will have to compromise on.

    Children it's relaly betwen you two but if you want children and he doesn't then you should think about that.

    I picked stay because I think a lot of these things Are non-issues and the ones that are you guys should be able to talk them through and you both should be able to compromise on things. Like if her wants 2 kids and you want 3 then would having 2 instead of three really be that big of a deal? As for where to live you guys could find somewhere that works for both of you. Or heck you guys could move and take turns on choosing where to live.

    I don't know your situation so talk it out. If he's doing 99% of the compromising and you can't meet him that one percent than break up. You both should be willing to compromise though.

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    • Thanks for the MHO

Most Helpful Girl

  • I think you need to be honest with yourself

    My experience is that when you really love someone or want something, you'll find solutions rather than excuses

    Maybe a part of you wants to leave for other reasons but is just using these practical reasons to conceal that?

    All the best (: x

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 12

  • It sounds like you have a great relationship right now.

    With that said, you are right to realize that religion is going to be a serious issue. But all marriages are compromise. No husband and wife will agree 100% of the time. What makes a successful marriage is if a couple can negotiate what to do on the times they disagree without coming out hating each other afterwards.

    Practice your negotiation skills today. See if you two are capable of negotiating like adults. If you are, he's potential husband material for you.

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  • If he doesn't see a problem, and he is willing to come to comprise, then I don't really see the problem. Relationships are all about comprise, its not just having things in common that keep people together. Love or having things in common is not strong enough to keep you together.

    What keeps people together long term, are the couples who work things out, and come to comprise whether it be religion, or raising children, money etc. If your not willing to comprise with him then I am not sure if you are willing to comprise with anyone else, even if you have the same religious views. Religious views, is not what's going to keep together, its how about working as a team, and settling your difference.

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    • At the end of the day, it won't matter who you date, or have a relationship with. I can tell you, you are going to have your differences with that person. Now if you are going to leave that person, just cause they don't share the same views as you. Well then good luck, because you will never have a long term relationship with anyone.
      You are going to spending your life, jumping around from pillar to post, looking the guy, who shares exactly all the views you want.
      , be realistic in what you want in a partner. If you are going to be stubborn, and everything has to be your way, sorry then, you are going to end up single most of time.

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    • I agree, talking things through is really important.

  • if you are unable to find compromise (and you should be working towards that now) then the relationship will fail. unfortunately the areas where you guys disagree are really deal breakers unless a compromise can be reached.

    so i don't think we can say stay or leave. but if a compromise cannot be reached then the relationship is most likely going to fail

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  • What makes this "tricky" is when feelings get involved. I was also in a relationship like this. I cared for her very much, but I knew there was no long term chances (ie, marriage etc). What I did was just be honest with her and talked about it with her. I told her I didn't know if I ever wanted to get married, ever and letting her know "she was taking a risk" if she wanted to continue the relationship. I didn't actually say that last part to her, but it was implied because I know that's what she ultimately wanted. She said she was fine just dating and if we dated forever, no problem (not sure if she was just saying that or not? lol) but we stayed together for a few years, happily. I think you just have to talk to him, open and honest communication. Make the decision together.

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  • Having two long term relationships behind me, I will say that communication is key. Talk with him about it. Maybe not all at once and possibly don't react too much when you disagree at first - allow some time to calm down, think and adjust thoughts - then be sure to come back to it brainstorm ideas and know where you are willing to compromise.

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  • I'd say it depends on how extremely your views differ really. I mean if you want kids and he doesn't, for example, then I suggest you have a serious talk about it first and if you can't agree on anything, then break up.

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    • Thank you for your reply! I understand what you mean.
      We both want children, but I expect we will disagree on how to raise them: one could say my parents spoiled me and my sister so I want to be able to give my children everything; whereas he has 3 siblings and was raised to be very individualistic and egocentric (to prevent misunderstandings, I'm NOT saying he's selfish in a negative way, I just mean this in a neutral way) so that differs from my collectivistic Chinese background.

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    • Thank you again for your advise! :)

    • You are welcome.

  • Seems he is not your cup of tea, listen to your inner voice.

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  • Stay

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  • You're right to be concerned-these will most likely become serious issues down the road

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    • I believe the partner should be willing to give the others faith a chance

  • Leave

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  • Stay and make yourself a Dominatrix

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  • Don't lead people on.. it's not fair to either one of you

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What Girls Said 18

  • "because I know/expect we will differ in our opinions about religion, marriage, money, where to live, and children." Did you not ask him these things BEFORE you became official 3 years ago? Talk about this NOW. If he holds NO similar views and values about those things, which should have been spoken about ages ago, then end the relationship. This is why you can't get so emotionally attached to somebody you're dating. Dating is to find out if they are right for you to marry. What you need to understand what BOTH of you chose to do with affect your future. The future is not so unknown that you don't know. It's what you chose to do. That is the reality. Not a fantasy. That 'unknown future' stuff is best left in fiction novels.

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  • The future is a valid consideration. If you foresee those issues becoming problems down the line, once they become more relevant to your relationship, then breaking up now could potentially save you both time and heartache. However, if you think you can work things out and find a compromise, it might be worth it to stick around. Is he willing to talk about his feelings on these things, and discuss whether or not he is open to compromising?

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    • Yes I told him that I expect future problems concerning these topics, he said he doesn't see any future problems, then I called him unrealistic, and he said he thinks we can compromise and find a way to make it work. I guess he is just more confident in this than I am... but I am willing to compromise and I want to make it work!

    • Talk to him again and ask him to give you an example of a compromise. For example, if he doesn't want marriage and you do... how does he expect you two to compromise on that? Let him know that this is a really serious concern to you and you really need to figure out how you two are going to make your relationship work when the time comes. Tell him that you love him and you want the relationship to work, but realistically you need some problems and it's something that needs to get resolved before you both spend more time on the relationship. If he is a responsible person who understands that planning for the future can be important, then he should be willing to talk things through with you.

  • Make sure you talk to him about what you would like in the future and see what he tells you.. he needs to respect your opinion and compromise.. if he seems like he wnt change his way than I wld leave

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  • Bring it up, talk to him and find out what he wants

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  • If you've lasted this long, which is longer than any of my dating relationships, you obviously have a basic compatibility and understanding that will very likely help you get through those other issues in the future. You also might be surprised to find how much you agree on things that you thought he might feel differently about once you actually sit down and discuss them. Please don't throw away something so wonderful that many of us can only fantasize about.

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  • If you stay just be prepared to bend a little to his way and expect him to return the favor.

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  • You two will have to have a talk (or a few) about these things. See if you can find a common ground. If not, then you two might end up butting heads more than getting along in the long run...

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  • I can't answer this, because I'm literally about to rip my hair out because I'm im the exact same boat with you!!

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    • I'm sorry to hear that, I know how frustrating it is! it's like I honestly don't know what's the right thing to do here... and I also don't want to regret breaking up you know.

    • Trust me, girl. I know, do. But if I try helps, things always got to get worse before they can get better. Once you hit rock bottom there's only one way left to go; and that's up. (:

  • Live in the here and now. No one knows what the future will bring. Just be happy I life. If that's with him, then stay, if your not happy with him... leave. Happiness at the present is all that matters as no one knows what will happen tomorrow

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  • Leave now before you're stuck. If you are having doubts and not sure about your future together it's going to be easier to walk away before it's to late. 3 years isn't a long time as far as relationships go. Believe me I know what I'm talking about.

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  • simply leave coz thoughts don't match. you are not gonna marry someone just because sex is so good. lol.

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  • To different leave

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  • Have you discussed them? Can there be compromise?

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    • Yes I told him that I expect future problems concerning these topics, his answer was that he doesn't foresee any problems and he thinks we can find compromises. So that made me think I'm just too paranoid, but on the other hand I feel like I'm not sure if I can be happy with that (as opposed to trying to find someone who agrees with me more).

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    • No I have known him for over 3 years, or what do you mean?

    • Uh I answered the wrong question. Anyways you can never be fully compatible with someone and any future is unknown and uncertain. The question is whether you see yourself marrying him or not.

  • i would say leave dpn't waste time on something half-hearted

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  • In the same boat. But I'm giving it time as people opinions do change. I mean when I met my boyfriend I was dead set not wanting kids, marriage etc. And now its definitely what I want but he's still on the fence

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  • stay

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  • Well, it depends what you want. If you want something serious, then i would consider the break up. If this is just a temporary relationship, then stay. Is better to end it now, the later when you become more attached to him. If you want a serious relationship, then break up and find someone who you think is more compatible.

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  • since you have already posted about having doubts, you should probably not proceed and end it.

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