Breaking up, is the truth or a white lie better?

Ugh. So I feel like every time I've broken up with someone in the past it's felt fairly mutual and apparent it wasn't working so honesty has been fairly easy. I've been seeing someone for a few months, he's great in some aspects but the sex is crappy, he's somewhat of a complainer and he's financially irresponsible. I'm not wanting to sign up for that so my question is, do I tell him a portion of the true reasons which seems asshole like or do I tell him I'm getting back with my ex, becoming a lesbian or moving to Dubai or something? I think for me I'd want to be liked too but my girlfriends say that's not fair and he won't work on himself if I do that. Any advice out there? I truly think he's a nice guy and don't want to hurt his feelings, he is just not my guy. I'm 45, seems like should have my shit together...
nope.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • Honesty is always best, but also be nice about it, not mean (ie don't tell him the sex is bad for example as a reason for breaking up with him). You can just say that "it's not working, I'm sorry". Details aren't important.

    On the sex part of it though, have you tried working on this with him by communication? Telling him what you like, want, need and/or showing him so he can get better? Sex BECOMES great by getting to know each other and if you don't communicate, it doesn't just happen.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • hi and hhhmmm, well im not sure i agree with your friends its really not your responsibility to encourage his growth he's a grown man upto him? it depends on how you think he will take it whether he might try to convince you to hang on etc so personally if its done, i maybe wouldn't point out his behaviours that aren't to your tastes but encompass them in the sense he and you are not suited, you are definitely clear although he is a good guy he is not for you, the feelings are not there and its not just for either of you to continue, if you give reasons or complaints i feel this gives someone a way to try to reverse what you are trying to do and i dont think you want that? xx

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 8

  • I wouldn't be too blunt. Otherwise he may verbally retaliate in a way that is toxic. (and he still might)

    Tell him you aren't ready to be in a long term relationship and you want to stop dating.

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    • This makes sense. Thank you. It's the teith, plain and simple. Wish me luck.

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    • Is that the truth? Or is it that you ARE ready for a LTR, just not with him?

    • Scamps16,,

      Thank you, I think keeping it simple will be less wordy,, he may want to know more, but stick to not being ready to being in a long term relationship and you want to call it off.

  • You don't need to tell him the reasons; they're not only superfluous, but they're subjective.

    Someone else may like him just the way he is, and they won't have the same problems with him. So then, why set him up for depression? If there's anything he's unhappy with about himself, just give him an opportunity to figure that out on his own - it'll mean more.

    Also if he doesn't know the reasons already, he deserves to be broken up with.

    And don't lie, that's disrespectful. Unless you have no respect for him, in which case what puts you in a position to judge?

    Tell him this: "This doesn't work me, and I'm breaking up with you. Have a nice life, and I wish you well."

    The more you shy away from blunt directness, the more it will hurt both him and you. I had a friend once who told this guy all manner of BS trying to get rid of him, and he would not leave her alone. For days he texted her non-stop. She was quite distressed. Finally, I picked up her phone and sent the guy a text: "I don't want to see you anymore, not ever. There is nothing for you to hope for, please stop texting me."
    She was crazy nuts afraid of hurting his feelings. He did text her back one last time, saying "Thank you for being honest with me."

    Sorry for the dissertation. To summarize: Don't do either, just break up with him.

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  • Truth

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  • I have always believed that honesty is the best policy I think your girlfriends are correct in that it does him no good to just let him Think that he does not need to improve you should just tell him what you just told us sometimes if you write it down it goes over easier

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  • Just be honest. You don't have to be rude or callous in the approach, but you do need to tell the truth. I recommend writing it down first it helps. Good luck!

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  • Truth

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  • Just be honest and say it isn't working. If he asks why then maybe explain, because maybe he wants to work on himself.. But how can he if you don't tell him what's wrong. But tell him details only if he asks

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  • Truth

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What Girls Said 3

  • Generally, I'd go for the truth (though I probably would word it a little nicer :P) - but then again, you know him better. In retrospective, I think that my ex-boyfriend would have preferred a white lie. I personally don't like white lies, but sometimes... I guess they're necessary. But keep in mind that if you use one and he sees that you're not back together with your ex, lesbian or living in Dubai he may start asking questions/trying to get you back. So it's probably best to either be honest or think of a very good white lie.

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  • I think the truth (in a kind way) is the most respectful way to go.

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  • I would def tell the truth!

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