Can anyone give me tips for getting out of the "boyfriend mentality"?

Almost 6 years ago I fell in love with the most amazing woman who unfortunately had a particularly rough childhood. Even though I know it was not my job to do so, I felt responsible to be the absolute best boyfriend possible to make her believe things could get better and that real love exists and we had just an incredibly intimate and mature relationship for our age (starting at 18 and 19 respectively). As the relationship progressed we moved in with each other and spent about 4 years living together. I have no regrets and wouldn't change a thing because I've learned so much and done a lot of growing up (still a long way to go but..) Now things have ended in quite a mature way, and we will always be like family to each other but I could see that as much as I was the happiest/best part of her life up to that point, she also used me as a verbal punching bag when her anxiety or depression had her having a bad day. At the beginning I didn't understand how she could get so mad at me for insignificant things (which obviously they were not insignificant to her). but I took it all to heart as shortcomings of myself as a man, then she would turn around and act like everything was fine and pressure me for sex and if I didn't give it to her it was because she thought I didn't love her still (which was never true, and I never will stop) and as a result I felt less and less sufficient, she ended up feeling neglected and the last 6 months she ended up looking for affection from other men via cyber cheating, which she never admitted until after I discovered it. I know it's not as bad but for me loyalty, trust and respect are the 3 most important things. After a week of feeling devastated I started blaming only myself and excusing her behaviour as faults of my own. Now a week later I am more positive , but how do I get out of this mentality of caring way more than i maybe should and get back to neutral so I can meet someone and not drive them away with my intensity?


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  • You have to work out what you do that makes her angry. My girlfriend has the same things that you described and I would do small things like not wash the dishes or leave the kitchen crumby and she would be furious and it would start on a downward spiral where she would end up having a really bad day. You just have to be considerate to what triggers it for her. If she feels unloved, then you need to show her that you love her. Put the verbal abuse to one side and show her that you love her.


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