Hello guys.. any good advice here on cheating?

We've been together 7 years with my ex-husband. He s 46 and im 31. We always got along well and didn't feel an age gap. After 4 years of being together we got married. He worked in another country and after marriage i quit my job and moved to stay together. I got pregnant, due to health and work issues we decided it will be better for me to go to my home town to deliver a baby and after to come back. After i left he got distant, hardly answered my calls, disappeared on weekends, didn't contact me to know how i was. I didn't want to think he cheated on me because i trusted him, he assured he settled down and didn't want anyone else. He told me he was busy at work. I asked if he wanted to separate with me. He said never would it happen. After the birth of our son we were happy. He seemed fine but behaved distant saying that he has work on his mind. He left to his job place saying he will take us in 3 months. After he left he almost stopped contacting us. I tried to speak with him but his answer was sorry i have a lot of work. He didn't take us in 3, in 6 months with the same excuse. Finally we bought tickets after 9 months of not seeing each other. The day before he should have arrived i got a text from him saying he wanted a divorce and that he will never come to see us and that i and son were mistake in his life. I was shocked. I called him, he said he found another woman and cheated on me since my pregnancy. He gambled and withdrawed all the money from our joint account. He didn't seem himself. Our families were shocked. He went silent treatment. It passed 4 months, he never asked about his son and doesn't wish to discuss legal issues, doesn't answer my texts and calls. He left us without house and money, my parents help me. I checked who this woman was- she is of his age but with plastic surgery and dressing like a teenager. I still dont know what has happenned and why he changed and ran away like this abandoning us. Maybe anyone faced with something like this?

Updates:
Guys, thank you all for the support and advice

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What Guys Said 18

  • I'm sorry to hear about your situation, that's a nightmare.

    And with that said, here's my thoughts... He gave you all the signs of pulling away and treating your poorly (lack of contact) which is when you should have immediately straightened him out.

    Obviously none of this is your fault, he's a total cunt.

    We teach our partners how to treat us, and when he gives you distance and stops communicating that's your time to address it as a serious issue, not later when he disappears.

    I'm just saying that your life and your happiness is YOUR responsibility and it's YOUR job to keep yourself safe from assholes. And when your partner is treating you like an asshole your job is to make him stop, or make him go away.

    If you made your concerns clear, which you probably did, and he still didn't feel like calling more and reassuring his nervous wife/girlfriend then that's when you needed to take care of yourself by leaving the shitty situation.

    I get that we often hang out way too long when we love someone and when we're insecure and worried nobody else will love us... or what ever... but love yourself MORE... when you love yourself MORE it's EASY to push someone away because your gut wants to keep YOU safe.

    It's better to be alone and confident and happy than to be chasing some person who disrespects us and leaves us feeling insecure in our most important relationship.

    I hope the courts can help you get some child support, and at least make it hard for him to come back into the country.

    And I hope you build yourself up and demand more from the people you allow into your life... you need to be the best you now, so that your baby learns powerful self esteem behaviors from mommy.

    :D

    ~ Robby

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    • Great response!

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    • You are a good person. Take care of yourself and your child now... :-)

    • That's horrible, and I'm glad you're taking care of yourself now.

  • Understand that my advice is coming from a 22 year old who has never been married. I'm much younger than you, probably not nearly as wise, but this is my take on it.
    This piece of shit guy did this, and left you confused, I'm sure sad, bitter and angry. And you should be sad, bitter and angry. What happened isn't, with in reason, your fault. The only way it could be your fault is that you never saw this coming. But he may have not left an obvious sign that this would happen. From my standpoint, it looks like he settled down and got married before he really felt like he was ready to do so. I really hate saying this, but he probably wasn't as crazy in love with you as maybe he made it seem. He was probably just settling for you, and he probably regretted it almost the whole time, and he finally found his way out of it. And now you're left with the aftermath of the situation. My suggestion is you need to stop trying to get a hold of him. I know you have son with him, but he knows that too, and as sad as it is, he doesn't care. I don't even have a kid, but I know if I ever did, I would never be able to leave it, even if I didn't necessarily want it at the time. So I can't be in his head. But, stop trying to contact him. Get yourself a lawyer, tell the lawyer everything that happened, get your bank statements together, print out as much banking information as you can get your hands on, and have the lawyer do all the contacting. Yeah, I think lawyers can be dirtbags and they will end up with most of the money, but that douchebag of a husband you used to have needs to suffer the consequences of screwing you and your kid over. But you yourself can't fix him. Don't try to figure him out. He wanted a new life, and you and your kids are stuck with the mess, and that's unfair. But you need to just worry about getting what you're owed, what you lost, and you gotta deep down and your heart figure out somehow, someway, to forgive him for doing this piece of shit thing so that you and your kid can move on and live as good of a life as you can. Go to therapy if you have to so that your kid doesn't have to see the mental toll this whole mess takes on you and make sure your kid is healthy and is mentally able to cope with everything that's going on. This is a tough situation, but you and your kid are going to get out of this and everything will be okay.

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    • You are right, i must be strong for my son.
      He was a really caring and loving person, he adored kids, we planned a kid, he was dreaming how he will play with him and what things he will teach him as a father. What has hapenned to him now is a mystery for everyone who knew this person.

    • From what it sounds like, he put up a good front. He had demons deep inside that he let no one see. I'm sorry this happened. Stay strong, though. There's a lot at the end of this tunnel

  • That absolutely sucks and I'm sorry it had to happen to you there's no easy way out there's going to be pain especially if he doesn't see his kids that's all on him this is all on him anyway all I can tell you is don't waste your time trying to figure it all out all this pain that you're going to feel will carry on and carry on through your old life if you allow it to only you can change that he's never going to change he's with that lady right now I guarantee it with his track record he will be with another lady within 1 to 2 years but you got to accept it you got to get it through your head that you can make somebody love you and why would you want to walk away with your kids and be happy start your life now don't think any negative keep it all positive and you will get through this quicker and faster

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    • Its hard to realise that things changed this way. One thing is sure- i dont feel jealous that he is with the other woman. The fast he went into her, the fastest it will end. Its a pure limerence. You can't have healthy relationship built on lies and pain. Especially she knew she is dating with a married man whose wife is soon to deliver a baby.

    • Very true the real test here is all about you how are you going to get through this and keep calm while you're carrying a child believe me that child will feel everything if you're angry that child will be angry when it comes out so you need to find your way at the loving caring healthy mother test for him is not a test is pain because everything that he does causes pain so there he has to live with pain heartache obstacles you just need to feel loved love yourself know that your children love you and be happy no matter what it takes

  • Hm. Sorry for you.

    If I were you, Id focus on my career, put the child up for adoption, and change my criteria for men to 'the polar opposite of whatever madness I was thinking when I chose this arsehole'.

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  • Before I read your entire post, and just going by the title question, I assumed you were wanting advice on how to cheat yourself without getting caught. I was gathering up all sorts of tips for you. I have no advice to give for your situation.

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  • Sue his ass... friggin deadbeat.

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  • Is he Middle Eastern?

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    • No we are europeans and he went for a Colombian woman

    • Sounds like something a Colombian woman would do.

    • I lived in the South America for some time and i know what women there can be hunting for a gringo man and his wallet. But at the same time there are many good honest women as well.

  • I think an open relationship iz better you do what u want by leting him or her knw ur in too a casual sex hook up and it could go both ways and that way the disire of both got completed see in the real world thats all it iz its a disire juss be open about it or stay single till you find the one but dnt look for him let him find you

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  • Why LDR's never work. Time to move on honey, this is a dead end.

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  • if you are bisexual go with Threesome instead of cheating!..

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  • I'm so sorry you he did that to him, that's terrible what a trash heap of a man. Everyone else has said it but I agree it's Lawyer time, take what your family is owed.

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  • I am so sorry for you. Once i was cheated by my girlfriend and i was so shocked that i couldn't focus on my work for few years. Whatever happened with you is much more than whatever happened with me.

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  • Get a good attorney.

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  • LDR is never a good thing. Too much can happen. Move on and make sure he takes care of the son.

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  • Do you mind chatting about it..
    I’ve been cheated too..
    Follow and pm if you wish

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  • Its a terrible and sad story I'm sorry to hear that. But the title is misleading :P

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  • Nope

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  • Hi, maybe just sue him. Let him pay the aliments and find somebody else. He act like a teenager, not an adult.

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What Girls Said 3

  • That asshole...

    Okay, although i didn't personally know you guys but can i ask if he was distant or behaving strangely before you left or your hometown? Maybe he was already cheating and he wanted to wait for you to leave so he could cheat more easily. Is communication usually an issue with you guys? Do you have casual talks about the things you like? When you guys quarrel who gives in?

    Maybe he also has personal issues and didn't bother talking it out with you, so he gambled stuff away and shit. Guys normally find it hard to open up to people about their insecurities.

    Above all, i pray that you and your son stay strong because im sure you will make a good mother even without him. Maybe sometimes less is more.

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    • We had a great communication before he lost his two younger brothers and fell into depression. We rarely had big quarrels and if we quarelled we came to peace rather fast, sometimes i made a first move, sometimes he did. Scandals were not an issue in our family. But he began to get distant after his loss and things got worse when i left. Probably he started to search for a quick fix in other women and gambling and after could not stop himself because he lost all family money and got deeply in love with the other woman.

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    • So if he comes back you will accept him? Maybe he needs some time afterall huh

    • You can never glue a broken cup. Trust is lost, family is built on trust and respect. He disrespected me and our son.

  • You were young. He got bored. Too coward to man up to his ugly truth. Let bygones be bygones and bury him in your mind. He's gone.

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    • Sounds like the beautiful hot women cooled him off. Or she practiced hoo doo to snag him.

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    • He s a good looking man and he never made a really big effort to get acquianted because women normally go to him first. It was different with me, he spent almost a year to pay my attention on him.

    • Oh well so sorry to hear about him straying, are you going to go back to Europe now since he's left you?

  • Put him in landfill.

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