Two weeks ago, my boyfriend of 1 year told me that he is not sure of our relationship. He says that he'd like it to be like it was in the beginning, and that he feels like we have lost our connection. Over the summer we travelled a lot and had a really good time, but since we got back early Sept we have hardly seen each other, aside from in the evening, as we were living together. He is struggling with his PhD and I have a startup, so many evenings have been about 'survival'; eating and sleeping. I think we had a proper dinner twice since early Sept.
I told him that I don't think he has given it a fair chance, because we have not actually spoken about the issues he raised. Only the week before, we booked tickets to go away for Christmas. He says he feels 'lost' and is unsure what is the right decision. He has been doing a bit of reading, as have I, and he recognises that probably time is the main cause. However, he is unwilling to make changes. He says that 'we always have a great time together' and that he misses our 'everyday life together'. I know that he struggles a lot with his PhD, and hence he is in the lab until past midnight many evenings to try and get results. I can understand that, and have been trying to support him, by making sure I made dinner that he could have whenever he returned.
One of the things he said was that he thinks it will be easier for him to be alone, because he wants to be a kind of boyfriend who can give me certain things, and I should expect certain things. This is not something I have asked him for, but rather something he places on himself.
I am the first serious girlfriend he has, despite being late 30s. I have had two long term relationships before. I don't believe that happiness just comes without doing anything for each other, but he believes it should do. That seems to me like a fairytale.
I love him, and we had plans for the future. What can I do apart from give him time, and focus on myself in the meantime?
Most Helpful Guy
He’s full of shit. He knows what he wants and it isn’t you and never will be. Your future is over. This is over permanently and completely and you will not reconcile and ride off into the sunset together and live happily ever after nor will you remain friends even if he suggests or agrees to it. He’s too much of a pussy to just say so. It makes you think he’ll want you in the future which never happens. It also leaves the door open so he can drift in and out of your life using you to fuck when he can’t find someone else. Your response is “Well when you do know let me know IF I’m still single” and get on with your life1THIS IS NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE
Most Helpful Girl
Just exactly what you are doing "give him time, and focus on yourself"... I would not brace for a happy movie ending, it usually doesn't end well for one reason: both are focused on different things. On question remains important: What brought you together is still there? In other words, the beginning of the relationship had very specific needs and situations, are those elements still there?
Love comes in two forms, one that lasts and another that doesn't. The one that lasts is built from a conscious (mind+heart) commitment to do whatever is necessary to make it work, the one that doesn't is made from an emotional (heart+mind-sometimes) that places the relationship on a "potential" that never seems to materialize.
Usually the second type is the one that tries to "change a little bit" the other to make him/her to "fit" the description. And change is not a problem as long as it doesn't ask the other person to be someone that he/she is not.
It is easy to be with another person when all is going nice and well, when things go tough, "love" is put to the test.0THIS IS NOT RELEVANT ANYMORE