How do I regain my self confidence as a man after being cheated on?

I was in a relationship with a girl for three years while I was 21-23 age wise. I was very close to her and trusted her completely. Near the end of our relationship I noticed that she would flirt with an acquaintance of one of my friends. It use to bother me and at first I just put my trust in my girlfriend at the time. It kept going on though every time my girlfriend would be around this guy. Literally my girlfriend would be talking to this guy the whole night and they would be touchy with one an other. He even kissed her on the hands and cheek and she loved it.

I eventually was honest with her and told her how much it bothered me. She assured me nothing was going on. I told her that this behavior was unacceptable and was pretty close to confronting the guy until she stopped me. We even got into an argument later in which she compared me to this guy and told me he was better than me. I eventually lost trust in her and our relationship ended 2 months later. I then find out a few months later from my ex's friend that she ended up hooking up with the guy after we broke up. Possibly even while I was with her.

I was so heartbroken. I just couldn't believe this was happening to me. I cut all ties with this woman on my phone and chat after finding that out. She still doesn't know that I found this out. I also felt like there was no point since the relationship was over with. I ended up becoming extremely depressed and saw a therapist. I have talked about what I have gone through. It was a very dark time in my life since I also transferred to a new college and had some deaths in my family as well. I have now worked on myself for the past 2 years joining clubs, making new friends, and have even got into weight lifting. I am in the best shape in my life and yet I haven't met anyone else. To be honest I am now afraid of putting myself out there with women and feel like I will never meet anyone. I have tried but have had this paralyzing fear and anxiety. What should I do?


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What Girls Said 52

  • Poor guy, she sounds awful. I mean you are getting therapy to work through your problems so good for you. I think you need to take some more time I think.
    It always helps to change yourself and become a new person. So if you have short hair, grow your hair out and get a new look? Try for some new clothes? Go for a new hobby? See new places? It helps because it feels like the disaster happened to the “old” you. The “new” You is cool and collected. You bounced back from the evil ex and you want to look GOOD doing it.
    Some people find getting casual sex from women increased their confidence. It can help but don’t rely on the company of women to make you whole. Realize they’re just cheap sex and work on yourself first. Hit on women, get confident and use this to push you to someone way better. Better is out there trust me

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    • Thank you for your thoughtful comment. You are awesome. It really means a lot. Thankfully I have been creating a new me. I have been working on myself which I will keep doing. I have graduated college, made new friends, got a new hair cut, and went from being a very skinny physique to a more muscular one. I think you are right that no person can make your life whole. I feel like I am still learning that and have really put in effort in my own life. I will work on approaching women more. I have gone on a few dates which is nice mostly by women that have given me strong signals. I just feel like I haven"t met someone that I have really clicked with. I will take your advice and keep believing in myself.

    • It takes a while man. I’m 21 and still haven’t found anyone I really *click* with. But hey, good to know you’re doing just fine!

  • I think this is a lesson for you in recognizing red flags. Your girlfriend shouldn't have let another guy kiss her like that while she was with you. That's a sign of disrespect towards you. You were right to break up with her and probably should have confronted her sooner than you did.
    What happened has more to do with her than it has with you. Don't beat yourself up over it. You have to learn from your past and find people who are better than your ex.

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    • Thank you for the thoughtful comment. I have had time to reflect and have analyzed a lot from this relationship. I agree that there were some red flags before and I will learn to act quicker. I will try to not beat myself up about it.

  • Her actions actually had nothing to do with you & you should try not to take them personally. Her actions were a reflection of who she is, a cheater. She's also really disrespectful to be flirting with a guy like that in front of you as well. It wasn't your fault & you couldn't control her actions, or prevent her from being a shitbag. That's just who she is.. And that has nothing at all to do with you. At least you turned this around, cut ties with her & you're doing a lot of positive things now because of it! When you do meet a chick that you're interested in dating, you need to remember that your ex's actions are not the actions that represent the mindset of every single female on Earth. To go into a relationship, expecting to be cheated on.. Is like your ex is still winning because her actions are still affecting you & every relationship after her, until you learn to treat every relationship as a fresh slate, and hold no grudges from the past.

    Imagine how you'd feel if your new girlfriend always accused you of cheating, just because her ex cheated on her. It just isn't fair to treat anyone that way for something they didn't even do.

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    • Exactly! That's a sure fireway to self destruct. I wish men would get that we're not all cheating slutbags.

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    • Yes but that chick has to go through a lot to *save* that guy. It's exhausting sometimes

    • Not really.. Just be you & they'll see that you're a good chick on their own!

  • I'm sorry, people are just terrible sometimes. They will jump in a relationship with a person they know they are not serious about and just put that person through all kind of grief. It's really not fair to have your time, energy, and heartbroken by someone you put so much trust in, but these people won't learn until it's finally them who experiences the pain they put others through. It just takes a while, everybody is different when it comes to break ups. You been with her for 3 years, you shared a huge chunk of your life with that person so it's understandable that you're not over the break up yet. Just continue to give yourself time, cry over it, talk about it, pray over it, whatever you have to do that will help release your heartache.

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  • Im going to tell you my and my now bfs experience.
    I was with my ex for about a yr, he was my first everything. First kiss, first hug, first time I held hands with a guy, etc. But he was a cheater. I don't know, I was so heartbroken. I couldnt date for like a 2yrs almost. I didn't touch, kiss nothing with no one for over a year. I did experiment with casual sex, friends with benefits, because I felt I don't know. Like I had mostly to see if I could become as cold as he was and detach meaning from sex. I can't. It didn't work out. It lasted very short and I've never done it since.

    So with my current boyfriend. He was w/ his ex for a while. And similar thing. Flirty ex, would kiss other girls, flirt with other guys. Apparently she had big boobs and loved to show cleavage. Anyhow, it left my boyfriend torn. I feel like he's still recovering from the damage she did, and theyve been broken up for a year. I love this man with all my heart, I asked him out. He said he felt like he had given up on love. He's so young, only 22. I give him the support, love, trust he's always wanted. He's such a sweetheart, the thought that some evil witch broke his heart makes me wanna go kick her ass or something lol But her loss was my gain.
    Don't lose hope. you're gonna wanna swear off relationships, but I dont think you should. Obviously. be cautious, but focus on yourself. My boyfriend wasn't looking for love anymore. He felt hopeless with women. Then I came along and asked him out. He was surprised, apparently, that I was interested in him. He didn't notice how much I kept trying to talk to him in class where we met.

    You'll find her. Just remember the same way you can be hurt, is the same way you can be loved.
    memegenerator.net/.../...lls-all-women-bitches.jpg

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  • I know how you feel. I’ve had a situation where I was cheated on a couple differently times. Very painful.. I was married and he got the girl pregnant. Most depressing time in my life. I’m a sorry that happened to you.. all I can tell you from experience is time heals the wounds. One day i went from crying my eyes out and feeling like I couldn’t live.. to feeling okay. I woke up one day and I was better. Give yourself time, and certainly don’t get into another relationship until you're ready. Until you’re confident and happy with YOURSELF. She didn’t deserve you. Period. You’ll be okay ☺️

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  • You've done all you can but the biggest step is coming out of the shell you used to heal yourself and make yourself vulnerable again. Being in a relationship involves making yourself vulnerable letting someone in letting your guard down. It's not easy and you may at times fail. Your previous relationships has rocked you to your core and the bereavements you have suffered have jolted your sense of self. Have faith in yourself you are in a better place why wouldn't you fear going back to that dark place. Have faith in the person that came back from that as this is the person, the stronger you that will be entering a new relationship.

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  • Everyone gave really good suggestions and advice. Maybe you should think about traveling, make a travel blog about finding that self confidence again after getting cheated on. I'm sure you will learn and grow from it.

    Volunteer. I find that when I volunteer, I forget about the bad things in my life. Even if it only lasted a few days or so, nothing beats the joy of seeing other people's happiness when you help them through volunteering.

    Try to sign up for Peace Corps or Americorps to keep yourself busy. Perhaps volunteering overseas will help you forget about the bad memories of your ex. You'll be able to meet new people and touch others lives :)

    But of course you should do it also because you want to help others lol.

    I hate people who cheat. You sound like a really great guy and you look very handsome :( I wish I had someone like you. It's so hard to find good and faithful men/women these days.

    Sometimes the only way to get rid of anxiety is to face it but this might not be the case for you because I don't know how severe your anxiety is. I do have it too though and only for social situations.

    Take your time and don't rush anything. Try to volunteer or try new hobbies. Maybe you can try playing games to see if you meet any girls and if they do talk to you, you can use this as practice to talk to them to help with your anxiety.

    I used to have a guy friend online who I met while gaming. I have social anxiety and I would avoid talking to any guys in real life at all costs. He wanted to talk to me everyday to help me converse like an adult and to develop my social skills.

    I have friends online who helped me get rid of fear talking to people in real life... I think it would be awesome if you have this support.

    Good luck. I know how you feel because I used to be in an abusive relationship. My ex would flirt and talk to girls, even told me not to laugh with guys but chose to laugh with girls in front of me. I developed anxiety and depression. I'm still living everyday and battling as well. I know you are trying and you will be able to do it. There are no limits and you are in control. You got this and everything will get better. I'm proud that you have joined clubs and made new friends. That's a very awesome start. I wish I had your courage.

    Keep fighting the anxiety. Like what everyone said, this wasn't your fault. And once you have become confident, maybe you can travel around the world to help those who are facing the same problems.

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    • And also, you don't need a woman to complete you. It's okay not to find someone to be with at the moment. This is a good time to do some soup searching and self reflection. The right one will come along when you are the right one and right now you're working on yourself. Many good and decent men and women out there are working on improving themselves before meeting anyone else.. So please don't feel you will never be with anyone. There is always someone for everyone. It's not a good idea to be with someone anyway when you are broken inside. Because you will end up meeting the wrong people who will hurt you and you'll just end up in a cycle (from experience).

  • Always remember it's not you. Your ex made a *choice* to cheat. It's her sleazy character, not yours. You will have walls built up for a while.. and there's nothing wrong with that. Be cautious but don't completely shut down. Keep your guard up.. until you find the right one.. and remember the past red flags so it doesn't happen again. She did you a favour in the long run. Have an outlet whether it be the gym, running etc. Most of all.. love yourself. You have to love yourself again before you can even begin to love someone else.

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  • Let's start with some science before I get into my opinion:
    It's estimated that (in first world countries) women and men cheat an equal amount.
    Generally speaking, men tend to cheat for sexual reasons (such as lack of sex and excitement, or sexual boredom) and women tend to cheat for emotional reasons (dying emotional connection, not feeling emotionally appreciated, or being emotionally bored). This is not always the case it's more likely to occur for these reasons by gender.

    Now for my opinion: what happened to you absolutely sucks. Being broken up with for someone else never feels good, especially if you suspect that they were cheating on you and using you as a security blanket. You did the right thing by talking to her about your feelings first, and she did the wrong thing by not being honest.

    I have high hopes for you, since you seem very mature. As for as how to move on, recognize your worth, and find someone who values you as much as you value them.

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  • Okay. So... I say for real emotional healing to occur, there are a few things that need to happen. Firstly, you need to understand and accept that nothing there was your fault. This is important. There was nothing you could have changed, it's not that you didn't measure up, it's not that you weren't a good partner. It just wasn't your fault. From my experience with my ex, helping friends who were cheated on and from being on gag for years, I know that cheaters have a nasty way of trying to implicate their good, faithful partner, by casting blame and claiming they 'caused' the unfaithfulness to occur. She just realized you were on to her actions/unfaithful thoughts so she tried saying you weren't good enough to pull you down with her sinking ship.

    Secondly, when you accept that it wasn't your fault you need to get back to the place where you were happy with yourself; confident with what you have to offer in a relationship. I have found that when you are happy with yourself, nothing anyone can say or do... Even your ex... Will be able to burst your bubble. Too many people see being single as a problem when in reality... If you can't love yourself enough to be content alone then you can't truly offer all of yourself to someone else.

    Loving, accepting and being happy with yourself together with knowing her actions were not your fault (just her own selfish, unkindness) should in itself be a confidence booster. But more than those two, celebrate the fact that she is no longer your problem, no longer your heartache to deal with, be happy you saw her for who she really was before things got serious enough that you would marry or have children. Yes, it could have been way worse my friend. Rejoice because you are free from someone who was such a good manipulator. Remind yourself when she comes to mind that she is the one who lost out on having you, a man who truly lived her, who really cared.

    I know it hurts like hell now because that's what happens when someone you love shoves a knife in your back, but try these things I said, allow yourself time to heal and get back to happy you, then think about pursuing another relationship. It will be tricky trying to trust people after what you went through but remember that each person is different and deserves a fair, unbiased shot at winning your heart.

    I hope this helps, message me any questions OK :) I know this was pretty long, I couldn't help it

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  • Reading this puts my lame ass heartbreak over a guy I had just one date with really in perspective 😰

    As little as I know about love or loss, I think these sorts of problems can be mitigated by reaching out to your loved friends and family.

    Helping my family and friends alleviate *their* problems really takes me out of my head. If not that, spending time alone also helps sometimes. Doing what you like in your room, taking a mental health day, letting yourself be drawn to the activities you love doing.

    Also remembering universal truths. To be a person is to be flawed, suffering is the human condition. When you feel isolated in your own insecurity, connect to other people’s experience. Avoid toxic thinking

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  • Here's the thing about being cheated on: it is always a reflection of the lack of character that the cheater has. It never has anything to do with the person being cheated on. David Beckham gets cheated on. Gavin Rossdale gets cheated on. Shemar Moore gets cheated on. It doesn't matter how rich, how built, how amazing, how sexy you are. Women who are cheaters are going to cheat. So be the best you can for YOU. Try to let go of insecurities, because at the end of life when you look back on your memories, you will realize that insecurities a just a hindrance to a happy life. The therapy is good. The venting is good. Just take a deep breath, realize that she didn't deserve you, and keep going. Be as happy as you are able to. That is what you deserve.

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  • I think you should build on yourself, improve your other skills. You will gain your confidence back while your learning and when you master a new level of a craft/skill. Please don't lose faith in women, because i know there are women who would die to be with someone like you.

    What she did in that argument was throwing a hit to your masculinity, and in my opinion was horrible on her part.

    I believe that if you take things slow, start by smiling at women when your out, then work your way up to saying hello, then you can start working on having conversations with women again.

    If you would like, you can practice talking with me to help gain your conversational confidence with women.

    I hope my answer is of some help, and I wish you the best. :)

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  • Honestly... I never understood how being cheated on damages one's self esteem. I've been cheated on and I only saw a flaw in that other person, not myself. Because truth is, they could've just left you instead of being with someone else and lying to you. Then it makes you think🤔 they obviously hid it from you to prevent the relationship from ending. Which means they still want you. Which means you're desirable to them in one way or another. But the problem is, they want the best of both worlds while also being manipulative and you're not down with that... so you leave. You can go sob in a corner about how you weren't good enough or you can take a different perspective.

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    • Another thing I noticed... people have a such a problem in saying they feel desirable because someone desires them. Like it's an embarrassment that your self worth is dependent on how someone else feels about you. Yeah.. it sounds stupid because it is stupid. Another thing that's stupid is a reversed scenario where someone makes you feel less desirable so then you feel that way as well. Who the fuck cares what someone else thinks? The only person's opinion about you that should matter is yours and someone who comes along and sees the same beauty that you do. Everyone else is ignorant & irrelevant

    • Exactly!!! I agree!!!

  • Heartbreak always sucks and dealing with it sucks even more. It takes time but it will get better. try to keep yourself busy, do stuff you love and make sure you find yourself and find out who you truly are. and one day when it’s the right time you’ll find that special someone.

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  • Take a deep breath and let it out and take your time maybe find a new hobby or something. It was a lesson learn and try again. Keep your head up high. Admit your mistakes and keep rocking it day by day... When u find the one all this pain goes away at least it did for me..

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  • If you still have anxiety and fear, you really really need to go back to a therapist. If you try and date anyone while you’re like this, you might end up driving a good woman away. You don’t want to be “that guy that is controlling and insecure with what a women does”. <3

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  • Just take your time and trust your gut. Its understandable to, be leery of a new relationship, and risking pain again. But you also have to remember the good. Think about the possibility of finding real love. Sometimes you have to go through some pain to win in the end. Good luck.

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    • See, not getting a love is different and moving on is different. If u have moved on or u r moving pushing urself to forget the girl. Then its totally right. U dont have to waste ur time the girl who dont cares for u. Now , the main thing that u r not getting attached to any other girl its just because u havnt forget her totally and i accept it , it will take time. Dont run for girls just work focus and then u will find the genuine girl better then her. Have some. faith in urself

  • This is probably not the healthiest way, but try maybe a few drunken one night stands and just try not giving a crap about finding "the one". Just try to focus on you and things other than romance. Sex is sex. Get what you need and worry about the emotional part when your ready. But really time heals all. Two years isn't that long. Just go have fun for a little while.

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    • Great way to get stuck with an STD, or worse, a love child.

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    • @Philipph studies show that women tend to base their decisions on emotion and feeling.

    • We do. And I know as someone who personally took those things very seriously in my young years I was always very unhappy with the opposite sex to be honest. I'm not saying this is how I did things. But I know friends who were less serious about their sex life and appeared to be happier. To say they are happier now I cannot. But he seems to really be holding a grudge about the past and that will not be beneficial for serious relationships. He is posting here so my guess is he is lonely but not ready to be over the past. So your options are limited. I don't judge anyone.

  • The first step is to believe that your life is important than a worthless person, if she’s worthless, then everything related to her is worthless too. it makes you try to forget all those happenings.
    It’s the first step and the hardest one, if you get successful to that in a good way it would be the only step !

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  • So emotional experience i understand how you. feel. its realy tough or hard its not easy i can relate to u especialy about deaths in the family😢 kinda or was feeling the way uv been through i was also feeling broke coz of love in the past that now i already find so hard for me to go on and love again but im thankful that God is my source of strenght family for support and now i am doing things for myself i go back to school and somehow i did. meet new friends and acquaintances 😂 goodluck to u God has a reason for allowing things to happen to us and remember that its all for our own good coz God knows and give us nothin but the best😉 u are not alone😊

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  • You just have to give it time. Maybe try to date casually for a while and not care so much about finding the one and all that, try not to put pressure on yourself. Feel things out a little to try and get used to dating again

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  • Im so sorry this happened to you. And I can tell just by this post that you’re already making the right steps to getting through it by going to counseling and stuff like that. Just know that at the end of the day it’s not your fault. Its her fault for being a cheater.
    If somebody wants to walk out of your life like that then just let them go because at the end of the day if you know that you did everything that you possibly could to be a good person of them than they don’t deserve you

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  • When you find the right person, you’ll have to start opening up little by little.
    If they’re the right fit, they’ll be understanding of you trust issues.

    It’s hard to believe that it’s all because of her but honestly, that’s what it sounds like. It sounds like she was easily swooped away and that is not a women you wanna be with.
    It’s hard to swallow, but you just picked a bad apple. Keep searching and try to remember that there is NOTHING wrong with you.

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  • The best advice that I can give is to see a therapist. They can help you work through your hangups, as well as learn to recognize warning signs earlier.

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  • Try to find your happiness with yourself first. Try to do the things that you're not doing before.. Keeping in touch with nature can help you relax your mind, body and soul... Try to do hiking, water adventure, etc.. Just enjoy it with yourself first don't do it with anyone else first... That can help... and wait until someone will approach you and show you how much she care for you.. no what if's just look for her good qualities and how much you wanted her in your life.. :)

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  • Give yourself time but remember to take care of yourself. Know it wasn't any fault of yours. Plenty of people have strained relationships but they don't cheat. Take a deep breath, realize it was no fault of yours, and give yourself time.

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  • aw :((( * hug * what a bitch ! Just give it time, if you meet someone, get to know them first, like not just a few months but like a year, and then you'll really know if this person is the one for you , then confess. I've done it once with someone, but he ended blocking me online , I'm still trying to forget but its extremely hard. Love is looking for me when I don't want it too atm. * sighs *

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  • Forget her, she’s just a crusty cunt,

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What Guys Said 107

  • I think it was bound to happen. A person who derives their worth and the worth of others on superficial things will go through ups and downs and will never be content. They will always be thinking about what others do for them. You dodged a bullet. You don't need this sort of drama in your life. A good woman will have honor and tend her own lawn rather than going to where the grass is greener. A good woman will communicate to you when something is bothering her or she doesn't feel loved because she takes responsibility for her own happiness and has the decency enough to consider your feelings.

    Some people around here are saying you should have been more protective. However, once a woman already is looking elsewhere, you being protective is just going to cause her to resent and rebel against you faster. If she has already shown she is willing to stray, then the drama will only get worse and the power dynamic has shifted. She is no longer invested. You going out of your way to prove your worth is not going to make her see you any different or act in a mature manner that you should expect out of a partner.

    You are young. Find a down-to-earth woman who respects her man and doesn't just look for what you can do for her.

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    • If you cheat on someone, you simply don’t love or respect that person fiercely enough. You don’t build love in a day and you don’t lose love in a day. However, if a person isn't tending to the relationship and it drives you to want to cheat, then that means you also didn't speak up, you didn't take the effort to hold on and do the proper work to make things work.

      If all we care about is what others can do for us, then we will always base our "love" on that rather than on the love we give.

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    • Exactly. Find that woman who simply adores you. She should be putting in just as much effort if not more than you. She should be excited to be with you. She should motivate you to be the best you can be. A good woman will want you to be direct, but she will foster the right type of dialog for that to happen. You will know that she is consenting to your dominance when and if she wants it. Over time, that rapport will come naturally.

      What you don't want is an apathetic woman who only cares about her needs. A woman who has expectations, viewing the relationship from the outside in like an integrator looking through a one-way mirror testing you and holding every little misstep and "mistake" against you. Who needs that stress? Who needs the drama of a woman who is going to hold a tally and never express her desires, dreams, and her love for you?

    • I have always said, a good woman has the power to raise a man up to the highest heights, make him feel invincible with her by his side, motivate him to go beyond even his own passions and ambitions. A bad woman will judge you, attempt to tear you down, play games, and only passes blame on you, never looking at her own role in the relationship.

      Granted, you may get shit tested, even the best of them do it. The key to handling it is just to ignore it like water off a duck's back, or joke about it and make light of the situation. She says "Oh, you are a terrible driver", then you just say "Yeah, I got an F grade in driving school" and laugh it off. Just an example.

      Also yeah, if you don't stand up to a woman doing inappropriate things, like kissing on another guy, she is going to think you don't care about her as much as you say you do. I still firmly believe she wouldn't have done that if she didn't already lose attraction though.

  • Most everyone has been through this. If you want to compare sht stories I can tell you about worse. But f that, because it is human nature and the primal mating ritual doesn’t care about feelings and the event really has nothing to do with you personally. “paralyzing fear and anxiety” The following might sound like bs but this is the best I can describe it. I discovered that finding your mental center and developing deep focus can almost erase this like putting eye blinders on a horse so he can only look forward. I don’t really know how to describe it better than that but you have to experiment with you own mind. I have reached the point where I can immediately null and void an emotion or feeling if I sense one brewing. It is somewhat of a mind brain separation so that your true self is overriding all the brain negative feedback. I first discovered this on a 20k run and while I was going up a hill euphoria set in (obviously the natural drugs) and I had a slight concern if I was killing myself but I felt no pain. So I had to “check in” with my body and that is when I discovered my true mental center. Once I had that I knew that I could override the negative feedback and also the one that is always associated with anxiety. Also, it lets you take complete control of your brain and all the bad tricks it can play on you. Might be a crock of sht but it works wonders for me.

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  • You were very young then so I´d assume she was young as well. She was most likely having issues with herself and couldn´t really stick with a nice guy like you. People act out when they feel bad. Happy people just won´t cheat, they´d rather break up first and then get on with another guy/girl. The way she told you that you were not as good as the other guy is total BS and only her subconscious trying to make up for excuses to make cheating okay. If she didn´t cheat, then it was just that she couldn´t break up with you from her end and wanted for you to end things. Trust me, karma´s a bitch and she´ll most likely realize this soon. I´m just glad you got out of that relationship.

    There are so many wonderfull women in this world who´d never act like that nor hurt your feelings by saying stupid shit. I think the lesson here is to trust your intuition. You did the right thing dumping her as no guy would ever be okay with that kind of behaviour. Just remember, it wasn´t about you. There´s nothing you could´ve done. It was her mistake and she needs to own it. We are all just humans. We make mistakes, say stupid things, hurt each other etc. but at the end of a day, there´s always that one special person that´ll allow us to forget about the past. Keep your eyes open and just give a chance to someone new. They haven´t hurt you, your ex has. Don´t let your ex and your past dictate your future!

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  • Its not easy. But you should work on changing the way you think about your self image. You should tell yourself that this experience doesn't and shouldn't affect how manly or masculine you feel. Its just a girl who didn't deserve you. And that real men go through heartbreaking shit and that what makes the man. Keep repeating that to yourself for all the next months until it will get ingrained in your mind. What she did to you is that she broke your self Image and made you feel worthless with her betrayal and you can fix that by making your masculinity tied to your new reality. That real men go through real shit

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    • Thank you Lutherthesaint. That was something I needed to hear. Your right though, to be a man is to go through struggles and to adapt and learn. You are right I shouldn't be defined by someone 's messed up actions.

  • Fortunately, I have not been cheated on. Why? I have had very few intimate female relationships... and I'm thankful for that. The Article below was just published in October 2017. "Why are more men filing for divorce than ever before?" 70% of Divorces are filed by women. Other sources put the number around 80%. This Article (see below) is the first indication that this trend is beginning to change. And why? WOMEN ARE CHEATING MORE!

    www.telegraph.co.uk/.../

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  • I think the biggest hit to my ego was the social betrayal, meaning not only did she allow another man to make advances and betray me by herself in order to allow it, but her friends, simple acquaintances, and people that know my face were all privy to what was going on. In short, this women cheated on me with SOMEONE SHE'S INTRODUCED ME TO and amongst many that know my face and who I am... and something really burns inside about that to this day (I'll get to that). In this sense I relate to your story... for me she represented much of my worth to the outside world because I choose to be faithful to her, loyal to her, the one I've sworn to back up in a fight, and to protect from danger. Then I have to deal with knowing either she set this betrayal up, or allowed it to happen despite being 100% to her.

    Personally the way I dealt is by revenge cheating. Lots of revenge cheating. I was already lifting before it happened and that helped in my efforts.
    There was a huge difference in my cheating and hers... I never cheated with anyone that even knew her or any of her friends. My reasons for sexing those partners had nothing to do with thinking they have feelings for me or that I must be special to them... they were just hot'n'tasty looking and in need of some heavy D attached to a man that won't catch feelings.

    I dealt for years... but I didn't heal until I forgave her. Forgiveness was the only way to let go of all that 'frustration.'

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  • When you pursue a relationship, you risk the possibilities of rejection, abuse of trust, and simply getting your heart wounded yet again. Those risks are unavoidable and love is never the safe option. You must simply embrace the idea that the ultimate goal justifies taking that risk. "You must take a chance to find romance!"

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  • Your story is more common than you may believe at this time.
    You got off lightly, compared with how my first girlfriend ripped my heart out when I was 21.
    I would suggest that you learn from the experience, rather than continue to live in the pain that I know is consuming you at this time.
    Dating is (or should be) a series of auditions that we must go through during our search for a mate.
    She failed the audition process, big time.
    Consider yourself fortunate that the faithless whore decloaked at that stage of the relationship, rather than later, when there may have been a marriage, children and a home involved.
    A broken heart is agonising, but things could have been much worse.
    You are able to walk away without a court handing the woman everything that you own, as well as destroying the rest of your life via child and spousal support orders.

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  • Congrats on that. You've just learned a valuable lesson. Imagine if you got married... Truth is they will cheat.. Specially the ones who say they never would.. And by knowing this remember is not your girl. Is just your turn. Life becomes a lot easier. Trust.

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  • As someone who struggles to maintain even a modicum of confidence, all I can tell you is stand up straight and put your shoulders back. Walk with a purpose and keep your chin up. Your body can do more for you through its own physiology than any advice ever would - confident body posture actually increases your confidence and increased confidence gives you confident posture. The same way smiling gives you dopamine. It's the same idea.

    In the long run you need to reconcile your past clearly and sort out what you're doing in your life. If you're so concerned with finding a girl you're never going to attract one. Focus on the rest of your life, and the confidence you exude over that will attract someone

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  • I have sort-of been where you are. And I absolutely know how crippling it can be. I could hardly eat or sleep for maybe weeks after she just went with somebody else. Your mind just gets completely consumed with it.

    The best things to do are to always, ALWAYS keep friends and family close, even a good co-worker you know and trust can build you up and be encouraging. Spend time in social events or gatherings like festivals, concerts, even bars sometimes where you might meet a woman you can chat with - but even take HER slowly and carefully. Just be casual.

    I know how you feel. Trust me. Be good to yourself, man.

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  • Man,... brother you're doing all the right things. Therapy works and I highly recommend to you that you continue. More on that later. Joining clubs is good & getting yourself into "the best shape..." is also great. Now the difficult part. Trusting again takes time. You thinking it (hook up) might have been going on is also normal but, it's irrelevant. Who fucken cares? I mean think about it.. it doesn't matter. I was married and our divorce was imminent. 2 days after our divorce became final she was dating a guy I considered a friend. I thought for one second that it might have been... then I realized why should I give a fuck. I could go on & on but, run outta characters, lol. It takes time time to trust again. Since my divorce I've been involved in two ltr but they ended very cordial. Both on different pages. Just be patient and one day when you least expect her... BAM! Like that. Outta characters.

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  • Mate, first of all sorry to hear about this. I have gone through something like this and its tough to forget someone like her who has spent 3 years for you, an absolute waste of time!. Ik and the only solution of this to focus on what u like to do. Hang out with ur buddies, go to the gym, concentration in the future etc r the ways to overcome this kind of situations. Tbh i am recovered yet from the shock that she has given me but still i can say this that as the time goes on, u will be fine. Cheaters r like incorrigible!. Even thinking about her is a waste of time.
    All things will happen in life at a right time. Just wait for that time. There will be someone who is meant for u and just u. Tyt and just let it flow with the wind.
    My ex dumped me and she taught me new things in life. There pros and cons in that relationship and i am thankful to her for what she have done in my life and she is my first love!. I trusted her blindly and i was living in a whole new world when i actually fell in love with her. After breakup i understood that she doesn't a person like me. She asked me for a chance and I declined because it's not going to workout if u lose the trust upon ur love.
    So, let it go on and as the time goes on, u will find out a better one who loves u, tc the most of u, be with on any kind of situations and so on. Just wait for it and don't mess up with ur mind by dragging her into ur head. It tough to forget all of that memories but still somewhat yes!. Live ur life rn and rest will come to u.

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  • Wow. Like a mirror, man. Symptom wise anyway. Not sure if your still seeing your therapist and if they were a psychiatrist but this was a big and deep trust issue with me, and i needed that level of a professional, not just someone to talk to. Had some mother related childgood trauma that scewed me there. I like going relationship related 12 step groups to hear more about others experience, and help clarify my own. Aca and alanon. She didn't drink but aca says its just for people that had a disfunctional parental relationship they want to look at. I also suggest you take it easy on yourself, stop trying to meet and get a girlfriend. Really put it out of your mind and decide your only going to make friends with women for a while. Good luck man.

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  • The key is to understand that her cheating... has nothing to do with you "not being man enough".

    She was simply too much of a whore to have one man. SHE wasn't ready for monogamy. SHE is the issue.

    You are not the issue. At least you're not wasting time on a worthless whore anymore.

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  • Best advice you will get, watch this video.
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIhsOdD9440

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  • It's not a matter of regaining self-confidence. It's a matter of being able to realistically look at the situation. Bitches cheat. It's what they do. The word hypergamy exists for a reason. Bitches will always look for the bigger better deal. The mistake you made was emotionally attaching yourself to one. It's always best to realize that one pussy is no different than another. Some are tighter, some are maintained by batshit crazy life support systems, but all pussy is basically the same. Treat women like public toilets. Use them when you need them and don't worry about who used it before you or who will use it after you. When you develop this mindset, the concept of a bitch cheating on you will no longer exist in your mind.

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    • Every time I read something like this it takes genuine effort to remind myself that while a lot of men treat women like shit, like they're breathing flashlights, or as you put it, "public toilets", not all men think like this. If girls are constantly leaving you once getting to know you that's honestly not surprising, if this is how you treat them. I think it's funny that you would treat women like this and then be angry when they deem you a worthless option.

      Live and learn buddy, live and learn. The guy who went through the time to ask the original question is nothing like you, I can already tell. He'll have great success with women in the future. I can't say the same for you.

    • @Love_Byte I don't have problems with women leaving me, Sugar-Tits. I have a problem getting them to leave me alone once I've decided that I'm done with them.

  • You only lose confidence when your D no longer works as it should. Being cheated on does not lower your confidence.

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  • Keep trying mate
    We're the same age

    I've been cheated on, was quite self conscious about future relationships

    Met someone new an amazing woman, trustworthy, loyal and only mine

    Yet my fears and issues from the previous relationship impacted my new one. Found it hard to trust her, because of me not her

    Somehow you've gotta learn to come to terms with what happened and leave it behind.

    Otherwise consider this, you meet the one for you, the ACTUAL ONE. But you're too up in the past to appreciate her and what you have for what it is. Don't miss out bruh, use that as incentive and get out there

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  • Remember this for now and for future as well. To balance the relationship there are two important factors your value outside the relationship, it must always be more than inside the relationship meaning your idea of self-worth should be enhanced and defined by your work than your partner and secondly this form of independence creates neediness from your patterns side.

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  • When you feel heartbreak on any level it is all about day by day. Know you need to be gentle with yourself until the wounds are healed. Sometimes the legacy of them never make this possible. which means you find ways to deal with them and lessen the pain. In no way be reactionary in response. Also, listen to how you are most feeling rather than be governed by the advice from others. For they do not walk in your shoes.

    Lastly, learn from it but do not let it influence future unions. Do not embrace bitterness

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  • your story is like mine.. you know what you reminded me of my ex..

    I think you are a nice guy , the mistake done by you was done by me.. never confront girl just leave quietly..

    i think you should take revenge. how?
    1. have another girl who is more beautiful than her and upload your pics with her on instagram or facebook , don't cheat on her be in serious relationship. i know girls sneak so your ex will also sneak and get jealous.

    2. if she sends you any friend request want to be with you , just accept proposal go there and give same treatment she given to you, means if you are in public place give other girls more importance than her.

    3. stay happy as much as you can.

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  • Sorry to hear you had to go through such an experience. I've went through a very similar situation, I don't believe any advice i give to you in the attempt to ease the pain will do any good, but rather share to you my learned experience and blessings from it all. On my part, it has happened what has happened to you on more then 1 occasion. As a giving individual, giving my love to someone comes naturally for me, and it's natural for anyone being hurt to be subjected to fear of experiencing such trauma again. I've learnt that giving the love whole heartedly to someone may be the best of my intentions, but you others it isn't or isn't what they wanted. When we give all with the benefit of the doubt, I've learnt it blinds us to what we only see of others wrong doing rather then reflecting to ourselves that we also had part of the responsibility for what took place. I had to tell myself what's done is done, and no matter how much in love I was with this person it will never be the same, because the trust is gone. I learnt I had to find closer within myself, if ever to move on with the healing process. We were given senses for a reason and of design for a purpose. If my emotions can not give me answers, I assist it with logic. Rather to feel sorry for myself to have the excuse as a victim to blame, would only create more pain to myself. I came to understand things happen for a reason, events cannot occur without action to create a reaction. We have to question if it's actually love we felt for the person who hurt us, or was it the love of our ego and pride that made us feel the way we did. Love takes 2, it hurts to say, but we should love then with l enough to let then go so we can give love to ourselves to heal. I exceptd my part to play, at the end I can move on with a clear conscience, for the person who I've been hurt by, will have to live with that on their conscience for what they have done. I've learnt in life no matter what happens you will always find the good and bad from it all. I see it as a blessing given to me as a lesson to heal and for my growth in strength for a true love , and a pity that the person you once cared for will have to suffer in the cycle of broken trust. Find room to forgive her and yourself, so you can heal. All the best.

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  • I think your doing the perfectly right thing: You talk with a lot of people about your issue and your open to hear their advice
    I have no perfect solution for you, but I want to suggest a thinking that may be very strange and even a threat to you:
    What if you look at the core instead of judging the act:
    I believe that people act very logically to fulfill needs. Even smokers and addicts will choose strategies that they think will gain them something good - Similar in relationships... What needs did she try to satisfy with him?
    I can encourage you to make a training to understand needs even better - why? Because there you deal with the core of what motivates people to act.
    And when you are in a relationship, you are able to talk with your girlfriend about your needs and she is open to talk about hers, then you may both choose strategies to satisfy each others needs.
    More concrete: Consider reading books, taking trainings in nonviolent communication (founded by rosenberg)
    All the best

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  • overcompensate... then try again... simple.

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  • nobody is ever safe from ending up with a cheater. it doesn´t take away from your personal quality. think of them as the bad thing that happened to you. all you can do is regain is making it their fault, which it probably is.

    maybe you just didn´t fit together so try and find a better fit nex time.

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  • I feel your pain. Everything you said its like listen to what happened with me... unlike u I havnt seen a shrink but I am depressed about it still... I'm over my ex just dont trust women easy at all anymore, to the point where I turn them down because I dont want to be hurt again... I pray about it and that has helped calm me but I want to start back dating, at least I want to find that special girl and its so hard to even hook up with them now... I think we need to remember just how strong and confident we were when we were younger and remind ourselves that we are even better now. I made a promise I would give. the next girl I date the benefit of the doubt.

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  • I would say try to move on if possible. Work on improving yourself and slowly take your time in knowing a girl. It's good that you saw the signs that she was cheating but didn't make a move and put two and two together. It happens, people cheat on each other. If I had a girlfriend and she had a best friend who was a guy, I would see flags myself if she was hanging out with this guy on the side. Just know that it's not your fault, your ex girlfriend was the one who cheated on you. You were loyal to her and trusted her and you lost that trust in her. It will take time to trust another girl. I would also say working out would build your confidence in improving your body. Best of luck to you.

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  • This is what happened if you put so much trust in other person, understand your fear and anxiety, as long as you live in the past, you can not step forward, you're dead

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  • Meeting a woman can often be random, and don't think for a moment that you won't ever have a girlfriend again- you will, and you will be so happy with her.

    To me, it's a bit concerning that two years later you are still experiencing anxiety after doing so much to overcome. Have you thought about trying therapy to get over the final hump?

    Whatever you do, keep your head up.

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