How to get over the fear of being cheated on? I need serious help

i've been messed about in the past and now I struggle to trust ANYONE. I was really hurt, its messed me up so bad that its affecting my new relationship.

my boyfriend can;t do anything without me getting mad at him and assuming he's cheating. for example:

adding a girl on facebook

talking to a girl on facebook

being in pictures with girls

meeting up with girls

talking to girls while drunk on a night out

camping with girls

having girls in his friendship group

working with girls

having girls round his or staying round a girls

I JUST CAN'T STAND IT. I HATE EVERY SINGLE GIRL HE KNOWS RO LOOKS AT

and this isn't normal. I don't want to think like this. I want to be able to trust him and say to myself "he chose me!"

but I can't. and we're both going to the same university in September and I think I'm going to become even worse, and he'll break up with me and then it will be EVEN WORSE because he will be able to move on and get with who he likes.

i know I'm a bitch but this is what my ex has done to me.. ruined my future relationships! all for a bit of 5 minutes of drunken pleasure. that's what its taken to bring me down.

HELP?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • It's more than that 5 minutes of drunken pleasure. People cheat to fill a void in their needs. People never cheat on "accident" just like no man who "missed the right hole" never does this by chance. They do it to see a reaction. Don't ask me what that means if you don't understand, it's just a metaphor. Kind of. Anyways... You need to realize that the issue isn't with men, and trusting them. It's a matter of self-confidence, and trusting that you have good taste in men. Think about it. What do all your ex's have in common? YOU! They all at one point thought that you would be nice to be around, give hugs to, be loyal to. But then, something changes. A spark is dead. Well all that means is the lust is gone. Lust is like striking a hammer against hot steel. It sparks, but after not too long, the steel cools off, and then what? You're stuck with an unmovable piece of steel. Or are you? All you have to do to get that spark back is the same things you did in the first place. Kindle it.

    If that isn't possible, then my only other advice is back to what they all have in common. You need to get a grip, and trust your own choices. Why would you purposely date a guy who is going to cheat on you? And why do you feel like any attention diverted away from you is negative? He's still with you right? You can worry your little head about a cheater until you have an aneurysm. But why worry? It's going to happen if it does with or without worry on your part. If it happens, you were right and you can give yourself a big old pat on your shoulder. But, my friend, if you are wrong...Then the only person who betrayed anyone was you, betraying yourself...And sub sequentially smothering your relationship with doubt.

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    • Wow. you do make a point. and a very good one at that. thanks!

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What Guys Said 3

  • You're not being a bitch. You must have loved this man who cheated on you very much and you've been through a very traumatizing experience. It's the ultimate violation of trust. It won't be easy but you have to take a leap of faith and learn to trust again. Time does heal all wounds and these feelings will pass. You can't let it effect the rest of your life and ruin all of the happiness that is still waiting for you in the future. Have faith.

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    • Im trying as hard as I can though. I tell myself that he's a good guy and that he loves me and wouldn't do anything. but then I see him being a little flirty with a girl or texting a girl and my guard goes down and I think things all over again!

      its like I'm going around in circles!

    • I know, its going to take time to get over the pain that you have suffered but you will. When you feel like you're going to loose it stop, close your eyes. Visualize a place where you feel peaceful and content. Breathe deeply for several minutes and relax. Try it, it might help.

    • Yh that sound slike a good plan. it might stop me from sayign things I shouldn't when I'm accusing my boyfriend of cheating. thank you so much. I hope it helps xx

  • Well, some of this isn't helpful whenhe knows the way you feel. He can't help working with them; but adding them on facebook, talking to them on facebook, this is a little forward, crosing a line. Also getting drunk with them, that's not appropriate for a guy with a gf.

    You have the right to tell him to stop some of these things. Do it now so you'll be free of the problem at university..one way or the other!

    Good luck. Time won't help here, so go ahead.

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    • You can drink with whoever you want to drink with though. This isn't an infringement on relationships per say cheating. I drink with my husband's buddies all the time,well I guess he is there first, then passes out before anyone else. Ha! Guess that doesn't count does it.

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    • So many of them fancy him. and it drive sme crazy.

      there are FAR more prettier girls than me. most of them being the ones who fancy my boyfriend.

      how the hell can I compete with them. and I can lose him because the arguments we have with each other, he doesn't have with other girls. he never argues with other girls. so other girls have the chance to show him how perfect they would be for him, like the start of every relationship is.

      if you know what I mean?

    • If you lose hinm, it's better sooner than later. He's out of line on some of this. Some of it he can't help, of course, like working with them.

      Relationships aren't about 'compeitition.' Don't worry about that part.

  • Therapy.

    Some of your list is valid.

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    • Some of my list is valid?

What Girls Said 2

  • If you continue accusing him of cheating, he's gonna cheat, because he'll think, well, she already think I'm cheating, so what's the difference if I do or not right? Use the same level of negative energy you have accusing him of cheating with positive thinking... like... all the women in the world, he chose to be with me. And have trust... not in him, but IN YOU... that no matter what happens... YOU WILL BE OK. Example: what your ex did to you, or anything negative that happened in your life... you lived through it didn't you? Say to yourself...

    'I will overcome any challenges that come my way." Take control of your life and not let life take control of you. Why was he attracted to you? Was it because you were sizzling hot, dress super sexy, flirtatous, funny, happy and easy going? Did you get comfortable? Dress and make yourself sexy again; when you look sexy, you'll feel sexy...you will then feel confident. Start rebuilding your self confidence. All the girls he's hanging out with...do they dress nice, smell nice, bubbly and fun? People like being around fun people you know? Have stripper's mentality. (Not be one) They don't nag and complain. They listen and compliment men. They dress and smell nice. So men keep coming back for more right? Catch my drift?

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  • first of all, it sucks that you don't trust him.

    He'll just keep getting mad at you for accusing him falsely.

    true love always trusts.

    Just keep in mind that, what happens if he always accuses you of cheating and you don't?

    then stop doing it for him, treat others how you want to be treated.

    sorry that your ex cheated on you in the past

    but your current boyfriend IS NOT your ex.

    and besides, he loves you otherwise he would not be with you.

    so just keep moving on... and think your boyfriend is GREAT

    the more you adore him the more you'll probably start to realize he's a great person who won't cheat on you.

    just get to know him a lot more... and talk about not cheating... straight up.

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    • Thank you. I also didn't mention that he hasn't been faithful in previous relationships. he has to me so far. but my ex had never cheated on any of his old girlfriends and had bene with me for 2 years then all of a sudden he just cheated. so I'm expecting the worst off my new man you see. and I guess I need therapy or something

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