Going through a break up ... please help?

I was on this site for a while last March and April - talking about this same guy. Most of you said, "do yourself a favor and move on" and this was when not even HALF of our troubles had come to the surface and we had only been in the relationship six months - rather than nearly two years it has now been. Something tells me that - for most of you - this would be a no brainer (especially if I said he physically abused me last year - pushing and shoving at first, then he left bruises). That last time, I called the police and now he's facing some serious charges. But I took him back. I held out my hand to him, let him put his head on my shoulder, and I tried to help, but for some reason, I'm still crying. He says he's sorry, that he wishes he could go back and change things, but recently (not at first) I started thinking "you're a fool, he's only doing this so you'll help get him out of this jam and then he'll be gone". But how do I know? Why do I feel lost without him? Why do I love him so much? It never gets easier. I've been the one to break up with him this year - espeicially the last few months. He always says he wants to work it out but then he does things that make me think he's just manipulating me. How do I know? He did a lot of work around my house this summer, told me it was because he loves me, but then I think "no, he's only doing it so you'll help him". I found an email from my boyfriend to a guy in his anger management class (the date of the email only two short weeks ago) that had the following line: "look at what happened to me because my ex didn't take her lithium that day". We were a COUPLE two weeks ago. We had NOT broken up. I tell myself that should say it all, that he's playing this off on ME. I did NOTHING to him but try to be good and kind. I'm on no medication nor have I ever been - not that that should matter as his hitting me had nothing to do with it. How could he say something so cruel?" AND call me his EX? I tell myself as well that I should remain the bigger person, that I said I would help (WITHOUT lying about what happened) but all of this is taking a toll on me. I feel devastated and hurt. He says his lawyer wants to talk to me "on the record" in a few weeks - along with a private investigator, and I'm torn. Part of me says, do what you said you would do - again, without lying. But the other part says, "do nothing, ignore everyone and move on" but then I think that I said I would help - if I could. What do I do? How do I get over this? Is there any truth or hope here at all? He sounds like he's being sincere when he says he's sorry and that he loves me. He keeps telling me I'm his best friend. But the other day, when I told him it was over, he said "I know." Even THAT hurt as I thought, "wasn't I worth the fight?" And then he says "you'll still help me with my case, won't you?" What do I do? Please help.


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What Guys Said 2

  • "He says he's sorry, that he wishes he could go back and change things, but recently (not at first) I started thinking 'you're a fool, he's only doing this so you'll help get him out of this jam and then he'll be gone.' "

    What do you want me to say to this?

    Sit in my chair for an instant. What do you write? Here's this girl whose man is physically and emotionally abusive, and manipulative. She knows full well that she needs to leave him, because he's getting worse.

    But, she refuses to leave him, even though she knows if she rides this relationship all the way to the bottom, she'll wind up broke, or broken, or broken-hearted--maybe all of the above, and worse.

    What do you need advice for? You know what to do. Enough of this.

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    • Thank you for the words of advice. Just wish I'd never fallen for him. I often ask myself why I ever did. What makes it worse is knowing that all the effort I put in will never make a difference. He'll probably never realize I was one of the "nice" girls. It shouldn't matter but it does. I've always (perhaps foolishly) been a person who helps, and since he's facing jail time (don't think he'll get any since its his 1st offense) its hard to ignore. Sister in law says (about him) "let him burn."

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    • Hedoniste - can I ask what you think I should do about his court case? I (foolishly, I know, but I loved him) told him I would help (without lying, of course) but now - for my own health - I say "never pick up the phone again for him OR for his lawyer" who the ex says is going to call me to get "something on the record". I just can't take anymore, but I don't know if I can "let him burn" like my sister says. How do I handle this? And how do I get over this in general? I really did love him. Thx!

    • "I say 'never pick up the phone again for him OR for his lawyer' " I repeat: What do you need advice for? You know what to do.

      I would only add: get your own lawyer, so that his lawyer doesn't jerk you around, and so you can get to work on that restraining order.

  • I agree with the first comment on this. What the hell were you doing to yourself? This is a rhetorical question and hopefully you have decided to move on by now. Its never worth it to be in an abusive relationship no mater who with.

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