Confused by odd behavior from my ex. I really need some outside opinions!

OK, I will try to make this short. I realize that long, drawn-out love sagas are never interesting unless they’re your own!

Broke up with on/off boyfriend of 3 years/best friend of 10+ years back in February. It was sort of a mutual decision. We were both going through really rough times and after he lost his job he pretty much lost his mind.

Over the summer, I contacted him here and there (mostly drunk texts), but there was little to no contact otherwise.

For the past 2 months, I noticed he was checking my blog daily, sometimes multiple x a day. I’m a writer and I have web stats on my blog and I know it was his IP. Then he started commenting under fictitious names.

Stupid me, I took his constant checking and commenting on my blog to mean that he was still interested. So a few weeks ago I sent him a playful text saying we should hook up/hang out while I’m in town. He danced around the subject, basically saying no without saying “no”. I ended up spilling my guts to him and telling him that I missed him, etc. He finally confessed that he was in a relationship, and that he can’t “coexist” with me without messing up his relationship.

I felt embarrassed that he let me ramble on about my feelings for him before admitting his new relationship, so I sent him an email and told him as much. I also told him to stop checking my website and commenting if he didn’t want anything to do with me, because it isn’t fair to me. He then responded with the meanest email ever- basically a long list of everything he doesn’t like about me- I’m manipulative, I try to use my looks for power over him (?!), I’m crazy, I’m unpredictable, blah blah. He has always been an unstable guy himself, so the fact that he was coming at me from a high moral ground was really shocking to me. This email was out of NOWHERE and it was unnecessarily hurtful. That was also the last day he went on my website.

I responded to his email tactfully and I took the high road. He didn’t respond. Then, this past weekend, I sent him a “final” text message saying that he can do whatever he wants, but at the end of the day we are supposed to be together and he knows it (I know, I regret it now… talk about fatal attraction!). He hasn’t responded and I’m not sure what that means.

Ordinarily, I would write this guy off forever and move on. But it is hard to accept that we had such a strong, intense relationship and now it’s all fizzled down to nothing now? I’m trying to look at this situation from his perspective, but it is impossible to make sense out of it. Should I just walk away and forget it? Maybe send another message retracting my last statement? I feel like a fool but I shouldn’t because at least I’m communicating my feelings and being honest, and not hiding.

It would help to get a few 100% uninvolved opinions on this… I’m too over analytical to see this situation for what it really is. My assessment of it changes every hour. L


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Most Helpful Guy

  • ive commented on a similar post for you before, seems like things have been updated a little...the problem is you're throwing yourself at him, I know you have been best friends and then some for the past 13 years, something happened, stop trying to chase him and pull him back - everyone likes a chase right? no one wants someone who is throwing themselves at them constantly..i think you need to analyze what went wrong, was there something that built up to the break up?

    you need to stop worrying about him, I know I know its so much easier said than done, but you have to understand "why chase love" you shouldn't have to fight for someone to be with you, it should be natural...love finds you, its not the other way around...as far as I'm concerned, I feel for you, I understand the fact that you care about him, deeply...no one will get over their ex right away if they felt they were in love...as far as being "addicted" to him, eh maybe, but you're going through what everyone goes through when they lose someone they care about...should he have let you say all that stuff before telling you about this new gf? is there even really a new gf? right now none of that should matter, you need to stop communication immediately, this will make him miss you and realize how much you mean to him but most importantly this is to help YOU move on...sure everyone will say ignore him he'll come back...and sure that may happen but you're not doing that for that reason, you're doing it because it will help you move forward with your life and gradually forget about him...well at least think about him less and less...

    give each other some time, maybe one day ask if he wants to meet up for some coffee...this is ONLY if you can stand being friends with him, you want him to see you're more mature, moved on, moving forward, becomming a better, stronger women...that you're OK with what happened and you realize hey if its meant to be it will be...

    i really do feel for you, I did almost everything you were doing, when my ex got a boyfriend, I ignored her...i kenw it was a rebound, but you know what, I told myself hey if that's what she's going to do she's going to do it and I can't control it I deserve someone who wants me for me and loves me for who I am...a couple weeks go by and what do you know I start getting blocked phone calls...random calls from her every now and then...do I answer, nope...hell I even changed my phone number at one point because I just didn't think id ever see her again...well here I am now, we;re friends, close still, random hook ups, but we both understand our relationship isn't meant to be more than friends at the moment...you kinda just gotta go with the flow and stop planning...take life as it hits you, but right now you need to concentrate on you being OK and healthy (emotionally)...let yourself cry, one day you won't have any mroe tears for him, then you will understand what tru happiness is...you will find that guy who makes every second together priceless

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    • Btw we dated for a little over 2 years and have now been broken up for ehh 10 months?, we started to hang out again after about 6 or 7...it just takes time, I know you want him, I something feel I want my ex...but I am not willing to go through what I did with her for a second time...so until we're more mature or until I find someone else, this is how its gonna be I guess lol...just know there are plenty of other good guys out there for you, that will blow you out of the water more so than your ex

    • Thanks sweetie. I appreciate your insight. Always good to get a guys opinion on these stuff.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 3

  • You need to take steps to move on with your life. You have done what you can, you put yourself out there. It's not your responsability to serve yourself up on a platter. If he wants to be with you then he'll come back to you. You cannot force that or make it happen. I know its so hard, but think of him as an addiction. You think you need him, you think you can't do without him - but really you just need to go on a detox. Don't contact him, have nothing to with him. In a few months you'll be in a much better place to judge the worth of the relationship. Good luck, I know how hard it is, have recently been through something similar.

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    • Thanks so much. This is what I needed to hear. Actually, before I read your message I went to Border's and got a book on addiction to another person. I do need a detox and I am ceasing all contact immediately.

  • maybe contemplate Your own stability? and or what stability really is?

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  • i think your hella fine

    p.s. Id dump my girlfriend for you :)

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What Girls Said 3

  • I can see where you're coming from- I'm constantly trying to figure out what in the world is going through my ex boyfriend's head. I have to say, everything has gone a bit crazy with your relationship, him giving mixed messages, writing you an appalling email so perhaps what you need now is to just step back. This will help for several reasons 1) it'll give you some extra perspective about how your relationship may have gone/ how you should respond and 2) it'll give you both a break from each other where you can digest what's been said and hopefully move forward from it.

    Give it a month, maybe two and then test the waters, don't bring up what's been said just send an email/text enquiring how he is, what's been going on etc. Just be friendly. You never know, the lack of contact may lead him to feel differently and he may contact you.

    I hope things work out for you- whatever way that may be. I know how you feel :( Just have to hope that sooner rather than later things will resolve themselves.

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    • Thanks so much. You're right, I've been overanalyzing and smothering myself with this and I think we've both lost perspective. I am going to chill out, focus on my own life, start dating, and see if I even care enough to revisit this situation in 3-4 months time.

  • well I think you should leave him alone. I think he was trying to get to you. it doesn't matter if what he said about you is true or not, it shouldn't have been said. he is acting childish. if he really is with someone else then he needs to stay away from you, he obviously still had some feelings left for you even after the break up. since he has stopped contacting you, you should just leave it alone. its done and over with just like you want. learn from this mistake and remember that you can always find someone better, you just have to know where to look. :) good luck.

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  • well its maybe not you might just both of you needed time away from each other he obv still likes you and likes your bloggs to read them and keep tags on how your thinking becouse when you read something some times it tells a story in how some 1 is thinking just say hi how are you see how it goes my sister had similar happen to her they were friends they went away on holiday she said fancey going on holiday he said yes they came back 10 month later they got married and 21 years later they still married :) I feel you still have a thing for him to I know its hard I've been there to we all have if your not ready to walk away maybe easy in and try 1 more time but you need to lay your feelings on the table he might be waiting for you to make the move he doesn't know how your feeling about him a lot of people think ohh just let it go and let a fantastic relation ship pass through the fingers don't do somthing about it if you feel this way good luck :)

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