Am I wasting my time or being paranoid?

I started seeing this guy 6months ago, we were both out of bad breakups and didn't want a relationship and we lived 200 miles apart but we really connected and had a lot of fun together so we continued seeing each other. He told me from the start that he had loved his ex and she broke his heart and he never wanted to be put in that position again. We went on holiday after a month and we both said it was the best holiday of our lives. after that we felt really close and he called and text me all the time and wanted to see me, but the only time he ever let his guard down and told me he liked me was when he was drunk. Then he went away for 3 wks on an intensive course (should mention he's an actor) and had the time of his life, which I would be really happy for him but it consisted mostly of boozing with a load of girls. since he's come back everything has changed, he talks to them all the time and we ended up having a massive row about it and almost split up. we decided to continue seeing each other as before but the lovely texts have stopped, he doesn't call me sweetheart anymore, he's stopped calling when he goes out drinking (he always called to say goodnight) and he just seems less affectionate. I told him how I feel but he thinks I'm just being a bit crazy and said just cos he doesn't pine for me all day doesn't mean he doesn't miss me. I feel confused because on the one hand I can see his point, we are apart more than together, but then again he was sweet and affectionate before why not now. He told me it bothers him how much he likes me because he promised himself he would never fall for a girl like that again, but is this just an excuse?

I sent him a text today saying thanks for another great weekend, miss you loads, your my star xxxx and he sent me back ;-)x

I don't know if I'm being pushy and paranoid and he does like me but doesn't want to get hurt, or if I'm just being played and he's not that into me anymore. What should I do?


Most Helpful Girl

  • "He told me it bothers him how much he likes me because he promised himself he would never fall for a girl like that again, but is this just an excuse?"

    First, he's been honest with you about his feelings and that's awesome! Most guys are terrified of sharing their vulnerabilities. He's also told you that because he had his heart trampled so badly, he doesn't want to be hurt like that again, so he's working on building 10'thick, 20'high walls around his heart. Ah, but the gotcha is that despite his attempts to not let it happen, he fell for you and let you in.

    BEWARE - because now he's really scared and he's actually trying to prove to himself and you that you have no control or power over his heart and therefore can't hurt him. The guy is fragile - very fragile. I know men out there are going to scoff because they don't want to admit this, but it's true.

    There are some life lessons that you need to learn. 1st see his actions for what they are. He's acting standoffish to protect himself. He's been honest about partying with the other girls, etc. to put that wall in front of you. It's his way of getting you riled enough to get jealous, feel unstable in the relationship so that you will end up proving to him what he's doing is right by getting you so worked up by breaking up with him (it won't make sense - nothing makes sense in the mind of a person who's hurting and trying to protect themselves). OR, he's trying to communicate to you that you are too close, things are going too fast and he needs to slow down and chill out. Immature men won't just come out and say these things because they're not in touch with their feelings enough to even understand that's what's going on! So see it for what it is.

    What should you do? Slow things down. Give him space. Take care of YOU and what YOU need and what makes YOU happy. You need to be a "whole" you, before you can be with him and so does he. It sounds like neither of you are there yet. You should be going out with your friends - male and female - and living your life. Tell him you understand he needs some space and that you want to slow things down a bit. That will really blow his mind. Follow through. Don't pester him about the girls. That's your insecurity showing and guys don't like that. If it's really bothering you and you think he's actually cheating or crossing a clearly defined relationship line, then he's not the guy for you at all. You don't need to end up co-dependent over someone who's not worth it. Stop listening to your heart and start listening to your head and instincts. HUGS!

    • Wow thankyou, I never really thought about it like that but it makes perfect sense, the way he says something really sweet but then almost counteracts it by saying 'but I'm a bastard I don't need anyone.' I don't believe he's actually cheating on me I just want us to be the way we were before the course, it seemed he was really into me and he was letting go of his past. Now I feel we've gone 10 steps in the other direction. But I will definately take your advice and give him some space. Thankyou!

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What Guys Said 2

  • Hes heart has been broken by his dearly loved one,.mending it makes him 2 drink,try 2 put d pain away,.obviously you came along d way trying 2 make tins right,making him feel loved again and he shows his remorse tru texting and calln u,.he doesn't show affectn now is because he feels you might touch his broken heart,mend it and break it again,.u ain't paranoid,dats how we all behave when we are in love my dear...

  • You are being a bit paranoid :). I was the same way with my girlfriend. We were together all day, every day in college. After I graduated I started working six days a week, most of the time I sent her short texts like your guy did but that doesn't mean I didn't miss the sh*t out her.

    What you should do is not depend on him to respond to every text you send him. Him being "not that into you anymore" is a pretty long stretch since you've given him no reason not to be into you. Just don't be too needy and stare at your phone waiting for him to text back or berate him for not instantly messaging you back.

    He likes you, you like him :).

    • Thankyou :) I know it makes sense, I guess its just harder cos of the distance and because of the way he was with me at the start of this I think my expectations are higher. I wish he'd never been hurt before cos that clouds every time we get closer too :(

What Girls Said 4

  • hi ,

    when I read your post I started to cry because I am going through the exact same thing , you should contact me wel keep each other posted, I don't want you to worry tho, ask him if he feels the same see what he tells you . I asked mine if he does he told me that sometimes when he is stressed about money it reflects everything in his life but when I tell him that I am confused and I think that we should split he says no and that he sees me and him together just not yet asks me to wait until he has a good job and a nice place for us to stay. but about three months into it he changed etc... exactly like you and he had an ex whom he loved to death and she did him so wrong , we talk about it. sometimes I am so paranoid I think he just wanted some therapy and someone to make him forget about his ex but all the stuff we went through and all the things he said makes me think that he is so hurt and if I start to be demanding he will think that iam just another girl and he is right about never letting himself fall in love please I wanna talk to you it is so interesting to find someone in the same boat we can help each other ...

  • he might still have feelings for his ex and isn't over her.

    he may be using you and those other girls at the party as "rebound" material to just say to himself that he still got it

    maybe you want to stick around to see if he sees you more than himself and if he still got it

    maybe you don't

    that's how I see it

  • confront him. tell him that you don't know for sure how he feels about you and he needs to be honest and tell you or it can't go any further. and if he tells you he can't because he doesn't want to get hurt again tell him that you wont

  • Wasting your time.


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