What to do if you're slow when it comes to healing?

I know everyone goes through a breakup. Perhaps it's like a rite of passage. but that still doesn't make me feel any better.

To keep it short, I got hurt. Mixed signals. Fake relationship. So I cut it off. no closure. nothing was ever clear.

I fell in love for the first time. I know he was really into me at one point. But it amounted to nothing. Nothing about it mattered. I could've hallucinated the whole thing. Same difference. No kiss. No long hugs. Nothing but pain. All my dreams of a first love dashed.

It hurts the most at night. I've tried breathing to stop the pain and memories, like remembering him flirting with another girl knowing I was watching. How do you guys cope at night? It's been almost two months and it's still painful.

Now, I seem to get infatuated easily and I just get disgusted at myself cause I wasn't like that before. I was a lot more independent and happy and carefree and smiley. now I just crumple up at night.


Most Helpful Guy

  • You gotta look at the bright side of your current life and the negative side of your past life. I was pretty much in the same situation and just broke up last friday. I put 2 years of loving and caring in, only to be told that she "never had any feelings for me", despite how she sometimes acted.

    The trick is not to overthink things. The more you think about how this relationship was going so good, just to fall off the edge of a cliff, the more you're gonna be depressed about it. Think about how horrible it was and how much better you are now that you are free to find a guy who fits your needs. Think about how much more time you now have to go pursue your interests, whether they be a hobby or whatever.

    At night, well the night is definitely the hardest part (I slept < 8 hours in the first 4 days after I broke up with her). You have to occupy your time and your thoughts. There's nothing that's going to make the bad thoughts go away easily. You need to tackle to unresolved issues one by one, and you need to keep going over them in your head so many times that you automatically start shuffling the bad thoughts out. If you get a thought like "I really wanted my first love to be my last", you must immediately crush that with "I would much rather have a second love than a first love that is a jerk". Say it over and over until it blends together. Then the thought will pop into your head as "I really wanted my first love to be my last, but I would much rather have a second love than a first love that is a jerk." and eventually that will turn into just "I want to have a second love that is much better than that jerk".

    Also, I sometimes find that you have to shock your mind into doing what you want. If your mind is entertaining thoughts about getting back together or getting in contact, force yourself to think about something that he did. I recall that mental image of her leading a guy into her room at 1am, the day that I broke up with her. That will quickly tell your mind that it belongs to you, not vice versa.

    • This is great! You're in a similar situation to me except for the "leading the guy into her room" part... I haven't spoken to or seen my ex for 4 weeks so I don't know if she's with anyone else... But it hurts thinking about it :\

    • This is awesome! That is an amazing way to go about it. I will try it! Thank you and good luck!

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What Guys Said 0

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What Girls Said 4

  • 1) this is normal

    2) it takes practice to stop dwelling on negative thoughts

    you have to use whatever works for you. meditation can help, keeping busy can help, exercise, watching movies, watching funny comedy, any hobbies, venting online, keeping a journal...

    all of these can help, but the bottom line is it takes time and just slowly try to wean your mind onto happier thoughts and you'll feel better eventually.

  • I know it has been a month since your posting. I hope your are feeling better! Everyone is different in terms of healing and that is why it is so hard to listen for advice about this. The good thing is that the feeling you have is temporary... feels like ages but it is temporary. I wish you the best and a quick healing recovery. I am going through the same broken heart feeling and it is amazing how this can still happen in your mid 30s. You would think that the older you get the less stupid crap you will go through with relationships, NOT! Anyway, wishing you the best!

  • I'm sorry you're going through this. Are you sure it was love and not lust? When we fall hard and fast for someone, it clouds our judgement. I'm like you in some ways. What I've learned is that the one thing we need to do to avoid this from happening again is to love ourselves more. We need to be more important than that person we tend to put on a pedestal. If we learn to love ourselves more, then we will learn not to settle for anything less than what we are truly deserving of. That's what it comes down to. Stay strong! I wish you well!

  • hey

    first I want to say sorry on all this.

    next I no where you are like on healing my boyfriend broke up with me 2 months ago I told him no I didn't want and I wasn't ready he aplogized and said he loved me and kepted pushing me into saying it back I wanted 2 but I new that I wanted it 2 b special when I'd say it 2 him and I wasn't sure he was totally into the relationship just like your relationship my sister told me he commented on his exs pic saying I miss you I am sorry so very sorry I hurt and I always will. 2 weeks later he broke up with me

    now pointers rite now I would classify you as the what if stage its were you are probley asking yourself what if I had done this or this. would it be different?

    sadly there is probley nothing you could have changed

    someone is gonna come along that's better then this player and he will make you feel like the most luckiest girl alive and he will feel the same way.

    now I don't know bout you but when I start thinking bout my ex (during the day) I call a few girlfriends(friends that are girls) to come over and have what I call a sob party, we get out the icecream and chocolate sprinkles and any other topping we can think of and watch miss congeniality 2 (famous line bout boyfriends braking up with you see if you can find it) and they just listen 2 what I have 2 say

    so I wish you the best on this long road of recovery

    best of luck


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