How do decide between a human fault and a reason to leave them?

I come from a very close knit family. We always handle our problems in a healthy way (usually no screaming and such).

I met this guy roughly 7 months ago and fell in love with him during those months. I started to notice that whenever he was stressed or angry he would get very snappy. For instance, if he was angry with his mom and I happened to call, he would snap at me. I told him that all of this bothered me...but he told me that he didn't come from a family like I did and that's all he knows. However, he said he would work on it since it bothered me.

Where do I draw the line between everyone having faults and a reason to leave the person for good? I love him so its hard, but being around a snappy person is hard as well.


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Most Helpful Guy

  • You sound like you are dealing with a really decision. If I were you, I would start making my decision by figuring out what I want from a relationship if I haven't done that already. I'm talking about really deep rooted needs that you want to fulfill and how you are going to achieve them. I say this because I am a really strong advocate of knowing yourself before trying to go out and filling a void that you cannot quite put your finger on. If you know yourself, then you will know for certain whether or not your relationship with other people are healthy and ultimately if you should leave them.

    A second factor that would help me in your situation would be to see if there is any truth behind his statement that, "he didn't come from a family like I did and that's all he knows." A good way to see this is to watch how his father treats his mother. If he treats her with respect and dignity, then you know immediately that your guy friend is not being entirely truthful and might have anger issues that need to be addressed professionally.

    But again, I don't feel like I can fully appreciate your situation from what you've described. All I can say is take some time for self-reflection and find out what you truly want from life. If he does not fit into your vision of the future you would like to have, and he is not willing to change or at least compromise, then you have to let him go. So far, I feel like there is some hope because he did vow to work on his behavior since it bothered YOU. That's definitely a good start since he seems to share your loving feelings and doesn't want to lose you over something as ridiculous as his temper. Just make sure he knows that if it comes down to it, you will walk away and never look back because his anger is unacceptable under any circumstance. I hope this helps and I wish you the best!

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What Guys Said 6

  • There are two types of people when it comes to anger: those who bottle it all up and release in a grand amount, or those who release whenever they can. It seems that he's a part of the latter. It is understandable how you don't like being snapped at for no reason (who would?), the main thing of importance is that he told you that he is willing to work on it. That shows that he does care and does acknowledge that it is wrong to do what he has been doing.

    Give him a chance to work on it first. I'm not sure if he's been continually snapping after he promised to work on it, so that's 2 cents!

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  • Remove the words "should," "ought to," and "why can't he" from your vocabulary. He is what he is. If you are unhappy with a man's behavior, thought processes, proclivities or personality, go ahead and NEXT him. Breaking it off is the honest and decent thing to do! It means he may be a good guy, but you recognize that he probably isn't the best man for you long-term.

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  • It's hard to work on that kind of thing alone since emotions like anger diminish self-awareness. If he lets you help him learn a better way, like you say when he's doing it and he listens and calms down then there's hope for you. If he won't let you help him then those are grounds for leaving.

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  • Noone has the right to abuse you or vice versa, neither by hand, by sex, by emotional blackmail etc. ... NOONE! My brother used to work for lifeline, whilst he is a fun happy good looking and popular guy amongst girls, he has always been interested in the human psyche and what makes people tick. In doing so, he likes to provide assistance to people with issues likes yours, however recently, he entered a relationship in which he became the victim of his own understanding. His girlfriend was a very jealous person who needed to know every little nuance of his whereabouts at random times of the day and if anything was not in order, the brawl was on. As we are a close family, we live next door to one another, well he is my brother in law his sister in my fiance. We have our own family business which she was not part of, which was not an issue, however she knew that he was here all the time during the day, he was not off with some girls or hanging out with his mates. He is similar to me, we don't like football, we enjoy going clubbing from time to time and I am a sound engineer as a hobby, but we like to be home with our girls if you like not out with the boys partying. Anyway, her verbal abuse and lack of ability to calming solve issues led to him breaking up with her. She was devastated and of course then started with the usual stuff like, you don't deserve me, I deserve someone who can love me better than you can etc etc. Now I am not one to judge, but as a girl, she has found the most amazing male on earth, any girl would be hard pressed to find a better man than him, she was the loser in this relationship and she will be the loser in many many more too until she learns OR finds someone who doesn't see her screaming ways as unusual and that does exist too. My advice to you, pull him aside, don't do it in idle conversation MAKE IT A "LETS TALK ABOUT SOMETHING" and then let him have the altermatum face to face. Either STOP this manner in which you talk to me, or we are going to break up. He does not, I repeat HE DOES NOT have the right to abuse you just because that's normal for him, its not normal for you - and reality is - its not the NORMAL way of resolving problems. Your way is the right way whether he is used to it or not. GOOD LUCK!

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  • The point from which he starts blaming things other than himself for the snapping.

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  • That really depends on how often he is snappy and for how long. Everybody has a crabby day or moment once in awhile but if it seems constant you should move on if he doesn't stop it soon.

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What Girls Said 6

  • This depends on you and what works or does not work for you. This isn't about either one of you being right or wrong. It isn't even about your families. It is about what you are able to live with.

    I do feel that taking out your frustrations with someone else on your girlfriend is not healthy. Who cares that your family created this unhealthy pattern in you, he is an adult and he can decide how to move forward in his life. Certainly he must know not to do this to say, his boss, just because he is mad at his mom? I understand it can be hard to change patterns but it can be done over time if you take it seriously.

    So, decide what you want in a partner. You may be able to weather this for now, but I think over time it could really wear on you and the relationship.

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  • Well I came from a family like your boyfriend unfortunately, me and my boyfriend snap at each other, but we love each other and always make up. The fact that he's willing to work on himself is HUGE for a man. He loves you. He needs some therapy, or you guys togather, or both will make a great step towards healthy communication. Listen girl, I hate when people say..."well at least he/she don't do this and that" but I gotta say it. At least he's not fooling around on you, leeching for money, beats you, is a loser, drug addict, alcholoic, I'm asuming or you probebly would have mentioned it. It could be worse, but remember, if he didn't love you, he wouldn't bother getting touchy with you, he'd just take off and go f around like some douchbags.

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  • No one answering this can give an well based answer because they do not know you, or know him.. But bubbleboy (cute name btw) I agree with your answer. Its hard to change habits, and responses.. But he knows its wrong and he said he'd work on it..

    I'm in the same situation, my boyfriend of 9 months is bipolar and stress makes him difficult to be around... but I've stuck with him, and I can tell what to do to help him calm down.. He never hits me, never says anything too hurtfull.. Once I give him space after a little fight, he always apologizes and the fights have become less frequent because he knows what bothers me, and when its his bipolar talking... I haven't given up on him, because I love him.

    Now you didn't say anything about your boyfriend having bipolar so this isn't the exact same, but its your bf's temper that is the issue. Bipolar makes my bf's breaking point a lot sooner than most people...

    Now if you think you'd be more miserabel with him, then def leave! Even if you love him. But if you think he will try, and your willing to help him and work on it, then stay with him..

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  • We are not perfect and we all come from different backgrounds; backgrounds that often come with at least some bit of baggage that most of us are not lucky enough to figure out how to dump before we meet another person with baggage of their own. People are fallible. They will fail us. Being in a long term relationship is a huge lesson in forgiveness and compromise, things that don't always come easy, even when you love the other person very dearly.

    A person can love you the best way they know how, but it still may not be the kind of love you need or want. Ask yourself, do I want to take the time to teach him how to love me the way I need to be loved? Do I have the patience to help him work on his faults? Will I be able to tolerate this behavior if it is something that simply cannot change? The line is not something that can be drawn for you by another person, nor should you base the line you draw on what others tell you, because, honestly, every one will likely give you a different answer based on their experience and tolerance levels. The answer you are looking for is where *your* line is. No one else's answer to the questions I posed to you matters. Only yours. I think finding your own answers, meditating on them, and really giving it some thought will help you come to the best decision possible - the one you choose for yourself.

    Questions like this take time to answer, and often times the choices are irreversible. Be sure to have a firm understanding of what you want, what you are willing to tolerate, and what you are willing to sacrifice before making any big decisions. And remember that change does not come easily to most people, do not make any decision in life based on what might be, especially relational decisions. It almost always leads to disappointment.

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  • I somehow understand your boyfriend, because my parents argue over petty things and it drives me insane, but I had to live with them for so long, so I really watch not to fall into that habit when I'm with someone...and it works, there is something that wants to scream and get angry over everything but I hold it back because I say, I'm not like my parents, I don't like screaming, I love that other person and in the end it's not that important.

    Also when I'm frustrated I try to explain my mood first, so I can tell my significant other that actually it's something or someone else that is bugging me. This is really hard, because each time my parents were angry with other people they took it out on me or themselves...but I feel I can do it, and it feels good, because that's who I am.

    It really helps if your boyfriend learns to take a breath first and just talk to you about it and not to vent on you...or to take a breath and tell you that he's stressed out and can't talk to you now, anything but to snap at you, because this is just not fair to you.

    I think people can change themselves, even if they had a different upbringing. We all are individuals after all...took me so long to realize this, it's still hard sometimes, but I do it - not just for my partner but for me because I really hate having arguments and screaming and such.

    Oh, yeah, if you feel you can't cope with his behaviour, also because you're too scared that it'll happen again, better walk away...but if you feel you want to give him a chance first, that's just as good - just listen to yourself, only you know what's best for you.

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  • If he really cares about how you feel he should not be making you feel bad! Period!

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