Open relationship, separation or divorce... I'm so confused?

Im a 34 female. I been married 10 years we have 3 kids. Sex has always been bad but I married him for love. Im never sexually satisfied. These past 3 years I really feel checked out of my relationship and this past year I find myself checking out other guys. I never did that before. My husband is aware of all of this as I been very honest. My husband is very happy in the relationship. I brought up divorce as I am so unhappy but truthfully I can't imagine life without him. He don't want a divorce either. I asked him for an open relationship. I feel guilty asking for this but I'm so unhappy. He don't want to do it. Then sometimes he says yes, then no. I told him I'm scared I might cheat on him. I just want to have satisfying sex. I need to be touched. I cry over this. I thought an open relationship could be an attempt to try something different. I feel I'm beeing selfish but I can live without sex anymore. I mean we have sex it's just so bad. I don't know what to do.

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Most Helpful Guy

  • I can see u love him and sex isn't everything, and he loves u so much that even he agreed on sometimes that u can have an open relationship, no guys/husband do that until they really care for Ur happiness.
    Who will be there for u when u will be older in the late 40s then sex won't matter, only the care and love would, u just wanna get satisfaction in sex I get it, go and have with someone but I must tell you don't ever leave Ur husband, also think about your 3 kids, they would be devastated n they won't be able to get love from both parents together, always it will be in their mind that u guys are seperated.
    Trust me Ur husband loves u more than u love him and that's very hard to get.
    Prostitutes get sex all the time but they don't have a love life, although they wish for love but hardly someone comes out of blue and love a prostitute.

    Don't divorce Ur husband, n think for a solution.

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    • Wow... all that was very well said and thank you for not leaving a nasty comment like some of the others. I'm just hurt and confused and needed to vent. I do love him but I can't help the feeling that come sometimes I really miss being touched.

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    • Also please pm me if u want to know more because I won't let this relationship end

    • Thank you

Most Helpful Girl

  • teach him how to get better or what you want unless you're unhappy because he is too small down there?

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    • Even if he is too small, he has hands, a mouth, and a brain. He can use one or more to figure something out.

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    • He's actually extremely big. He's just not good at sex. He says so himself. We tried to work on sex, I told him what I like, what he needs to do. It never seems to help he's just bad at it. I just miss being touched and it feeling good... 10 years is a long time.

    • I'm sure there are couples workshops and marriage counselors who can help with that. If he's big, the rest is simply learning which I know he's capable of. Maybe he just needs a professional to teach you both stuff. The important thing is to not ruin a marriage over this.

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What Guys Said 21

  • Divorce him. You don't love him, probably never did. You knew ahead of time the sex was unsatisfying. You CHOSE this guy, supposedly for love. Now you want permission to cheat. That's not love. You can't stop thinking about yourself long enough to value him and your marriage. You fucked up, and now the only right thing to do is leave and get a divorce. Let him find a woman who actually loves and values him while you go find someone who fucks you the way you want.

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    • 10 years of only satisfying my husband is love? Sex is about being touched also. I miss being touched, caressed, good foreplay. He even says he's bad at sex. I tell him what to do he's just bad at it. We joke around about it, he has bad coordination lol. We actually have great communication that's why we talk about it but after 10 years of not being satisfied its human to want it. Asking about the open relationship was for both of us. He dont want an open relationship but he's ok with me being with a girl but not a guy. I said he can be with a girl. I'm trying to spice things up because they are dull in the bedroom. He only likes the same old positions. Can you understand how much it hurts to not be satisfied by the person you love? I actually no people in open relationships, they say it made their relationship very strong. Please don't put me down 10 years is an extremely long time to live unsatisfied. Can you live without sex? Why put me down for that? I love my family and I'm hurt.

  • Sex is a skill, like art, or music. No one is born good at it, though some (empathic, maybe?) seem to have a knack for it and pick it up quickly.

    Sounds like your problem isn't a lack of sex, but a lack of touch. You say he's bad at it. how so? And what kind of feedback are you giving him?

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    • We actually have great communication as far as me being able to be honest with him. I tell him what I like and don't like. We actually joke around about how bad he is in bed. He says so himself. He has no coordination he can't be gentle. Different positions don't really intreast him. I love him I just miss being touched and having it feel good.

    • Touch-starved. Very common. consider therapy. And don't believe for a minute he can't be gentle. If that were true, your kids would not have survived first contact.

    • Yes that's exactly what's going on. I really miss being touched. You get it. These comments are so nasty people think I just want sex from someone else, not true. After 10 years of not being satisfied I always just delt with it but now I'm hurting. Im feeling guilty for feeling this way. I been putting myself down a lot for it. I just can't help it I missed being touched.

  • I would say, try something new, a new position, take his hand and coach him a little on how and where to touch to turn you on. Maybe try new locations also sometimes having sex somewhere else other than the norm it can get people to become a little creative and experience diffrent things

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  • Talk to him more, if he really want this to work we needs to find ways to satisfy you, use some toys some lubes, have him eat you and touch you in new ways. Fuck even see a sex worker so you can both get the help you guys need. Aftee that, ask him if he would be okay with a open relationship again, have you told him that he can see other women as well?

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    • Yes I told him he can see other women. I also have tried to tell him what I like in bed. I like a little more excitement in the bedroom. He is just comfortable with the same old same old every single time. Toys are fun but it feels better to be touched by someone. Thats why I brought up the open relationship thing maybe the excitement of domeone new would help us both. It wasn't hard to bring up the open relationship we actually have great communication. He's just not good at sex he even says it. I love him I'm not looking to leave him I just really miss being touched and have it feel good.

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    • Actually he said he is completely comfortable if I want to date girls. He don't want me with another guy.

    • Would you be okay with a girl giving you the attention you need?

  • God gave us vibrators for a reason. As for "touching" he should be able to satisfy you in that way...

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    • Oh c'mon you can't believe some deity gave people vibrators when the act of masturbation itself is seen as a sin for religious people. Either way she should try to coax him through better sex because she knows what she wants. And it's better than ruining a marriage because the sex sucks. If everything else is going great. Communication is key. But I do fully agree with him being the only one touching her, and satisfying her. It doesn't hurt to talk about what she wants sexually.

  • Any possibility to make him having sex in another way? Men are quite flexible if they have to. An open relationship is always a problem if he is not sure about it. What isn’t satisfying for you? Is he a minuteman?

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    • Lol yes many times he's a minute man but the times he's not it's not good. Sex has more than just hoping on his dick. I miss being touched, foreplay is horrible he's not gentle he has bad coordination. He even says he's bad. When I tell him what I like he just does it bad. He's just bad at sex and I married him knowing that. 10 years is a long time I just really miss being touched and having it feel good.

    • I’m really sorry. I would go for an open relationship. Get a sex mate. Danger is that you could fall in love with a good lover. Keep this in mind.

  • Find a sex therapist and have couples and singles sessions. It could shed light on what is actually going on with your marriage.

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  • Tell him ull give him some tips and if he doesn't listen and get u off ur findin someone that can

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  • Your at your sexual peek and you can only be unsatisfied for so long before it starts to create resentments give him a chance to please you tell him exactly what you need we need it spelled out for us sometimes make him read up on how to please a female and if he does and he still can't get you off then you might have to let him go because neither one of you should have to live unhappy you if you can't get your needs filled will continue to be unhappy and if you ask him for an open relationship and he really dont want it but you force him into it because he thinks it will make you happy then he is going to be unhappy so its kind of A win lose eather way sorry thats just my thoughts

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  • Easy: tell him what he's doing wrong and try to tell him what you like in bed.

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  • I'm in an open marriage, but it only works if both people are comfortable with it and there is complete honesty

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    • I actually have a few friends in open marriages and they explained to me they actually feel closer then ever after the discussion to do that.

    • I felt the same way when I could be honest about my desires.

  • I can relate to you.. its very difficult and frustrating..

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  • Damn sorry hope he's ok with your open relationship idea

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  • Boys. This is why you do not marry. Read her words carefully.

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  • Tell him you're searching for meaningless Sex, that's all. Maybe he understands

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  • Why not get a dildo and fuck yourself?

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  • Your call.

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  • Go open

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  • You're so silly.

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  • Is your husband an older man?

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    • No we are the same age.

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    • I'm so sorry to hear about your relationship. I'm getting a lot of nasty comments from others. Everyone thinks I just want sex from some other guy. That's not true. I'm very honest with my husband. I been telling him for years the issues. I miss being touched, I really miss that connection and it hurts I even been feeling guilty and putting myself down for how things are going. I'm extremely hurt. My husband is not a romantic guy let's say and he would never go to therapy. I guess when you been with someone for so long it's hard to keep things exciting but I thought about the open relationship thing to try and spice things up. I thought maybe he would get excited for another girl as well as I another guy. Truthfully I don't even know how to start dating again lol. It's weird.

    • It sounds kind of like me, my ex-wife made comments like that me being not romantic. An open relationship is not going to last in a marriage. One is going to die, usually the marriage. No man with any kind of pride is going to want his wife screwing another man. You and your husband better work on this together, hog tie him and drag him to counseling. Make him respond, find some kind of kink he likes maybe and work that angle. If I would have known the depth of my problem, I could have saved my marriage. But had already started to have feelings for the other man.

  • Seek therapy, seriously! You need help. There are sexual therapists and coaches, but wait that's work right pft! Easier to seek new c*ck to satisfy you, ride the c*ck carousel, yeah just rip your marriage and vows apart, destroy your children, all because of your sexual desires and eventual infidelity... wait, that's what 75-85% of women do, so you are just one of the statistics because you don't seek to find a solution with your S/O husband, nah, just go find a exciting new guy for new c*cks... or you could actually be happy and find satisfaction by working on yourself and your husband, (better or worse, richer or poorer shit). Whatever, just sounds like you're seeking approval/validation to do what you're already thinking about doing, 1/2 way out the door already so why ask for advice? However, if you are trying to solve this, see above... otherwise do what every other woman does (don't blame me, see statistics wherein women initiate divorce for things that could be easily resolved; 75-85% as I said)... hmmm, so I don't really care as I am mgtow, I am indifferent to it all, I don't sugarcoat sh*t, like it, don't like it, I don't care. I am just here to help, cheers!

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    • You said I need help? A sexual therapist can't take away my sex drive. You think I'm not trying? Me being honest is me trying that's me crying out to fix my marriage. 10 years putting up with sex to only please him... is not me running thats me putting up with it and doing the right thing as a mom so my family is not ripped apart. Telling a wife she has to live in depressions because I have a family that's wrong. My husband is a guy that would never go to therapy he thinks it's stupid. He also is from another country. He travels back to see his family and I'm left as a single mom for 5 months out of a year. Believe me I stuck it out as long as I can, Im feeling hurt and guilty for feeling this way. I never cheated, my life is devoted to my kids. I'm not looking for approval. When your going through pain it's nice to vent and posting on here maybe someone can relate that's all.

    • Crying out yes, then instead of crying out 'take action'. If he doesn't want to sexually appease you instead of divorce then take action after exhausting all options. Point is take action, not be a victim and expect others to justify your reasons. You can displace/shift the blame, instead to grow try accepting responsibility and accountability for your part in it all (there always is two sides to the story) and then take actions to change what you can, if you cannot because your husband simply refuses to do so (which I don't think would happen if he loves you) then explain your feelings, the repercussions if you don't get what you need and that you will follow through. That's all you can do, be accountable for your 'actions', that's the truth in all of life. Marriage or single... it's about choices, decisions and accountability.

    • @Astefers I think it would be more accurate to say that you and your husband need help jointly, as a couple in order to get over this hurdle. Not just you personally. If he refuses to accept professional help, that is something you need to take into consideration when you go to the next step, whatever that may be. Relationship problems can only be solved when both people are willing to work on making things better.

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