I feel that I f##ked up big time?

I use to have strong feelings for this guy, and I let my own head get in the way of truly expressing how I feel towards him. I regret making him feel played, lied to, betrayed. And I was stupid to not realize that I was actually hurting us both emotionally and mentally. I feel apologizing isn't going to make any thing better, or even if I did something to let him know that I'm full of regrets. I know he won't believe me or trust me ever again
Updates:
1 y
I had kept a secret from him and he wasn't very pleased to discover. I had mixed emotions about our relationship, part of me loves him and another part of me had suspicions that he doesn't really care or like me anymore. He would go MIA a lot for months. I didn't know how to confront to him without making the situation hostile. He told me he actually has serious intentions and I should be over thinking and playing with a man's feelings. I felt played too by him being gone for months.
1 y
He told me I'm still a great woman. I don't think great women keep secrets from their significant other. It was immature and dumb of me. I don't know how to apologize.
I feel that I f##ked up big time?
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