Your thoughts on breaking up for another woman?

You may call me a terrible person if you wish; I probably deserve it.

I just broke up with my girlfriend and it seemed super sudden to her..even though I've been thinking about it for awhile.

We are two very different people and if you've ever taken the Myers-Briggs personality test (Highly recommend it) our two 'types', INFJ/INTJ, are the most incompatible.

Anyway, she was obviously heartbroken...even though we've only been together a month and a half. I didn't feel much until she started crying and then I felt terrible for hurting her like this.

I know my whole heart was not in this relationship and it would be unfair for me to continue, as I told her. However! I also have another woman in mind who seems to me to be perfect in a million ways. I did not mention this girl to her because it just seemed worse to say that..even though she kept saying "if you just want to move on to something else, just say so."

Am I wrong for not telling her I'm interested in another girl?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • no.theres no reason to hurt her. But you definately shouldn't be with her. Your not a bad persona and people move on at different stages. You can't stay with someone to make them happy if your not, because your also holding them back from them meeting that person that is perfect for them.

    You weren't with her that long itl hurt for a while but in time she will move on and be happy once again

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    • I hope so... I'm about to post the text messages we;ve been sending back and forth because its killing me. I don't want to hurt her! But I have now and she seems intent on making herself hurt worse!

Have an opinion?

What Girls Said 11

  • Bringing up the Myers-Briggs thing is kind of dumb, in my opinion. It's interesting, sure. But bringing up compatibility based on it just isn't really logical. I'm an INTJ and my boyfriend is and ISTP, which everything says is not compatible as well. But the truth is it comes down to the two separate people involved, and not categories a test places them in.

    Anyway, if your heart is not in it, you owe it to yourself and to her to end it. Don't tell her you're breaking up with her because of some amazing other woman. Sometimes, us women as for the truth, but we really don't want to know the honest answer. You're not a terrible person for doing what you think is right for you. It's your life, and you get to live it once. Don't settle.

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  • It seems like you did the right thing in being honest and ending things when you did, even though it must be really hard for her.

    Being lied to by someone you cared about really sucks, but if there's no way of her finding out the truth about you liking someone else then I think it's best not to tell her because it will probably drive her crazy. she'll wonder what the other one has that she doesn't and will just generally lose quite a lot of self esteem...

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    • Exactly, and I don't plan on running straight to this other girl...but I feel things for her that I don't with my (now) ex.

  • I don't even know why you are asking this question. Telling her about another girl would be horrible. It isn't even the truth about what is going on here. I mean, really, that other girl may not return your attention and may turn out to be less than perfect once you get to know her.

    The truth is that you were in a brief relationship that you were very half-hearted about and you finally recognized that and ended it. You don't need to discuss personality tests or other women. No justification is needed to end a relationship other than you did not feel enough for the other person to continue. So, yes, I understand she feels bad and you feel guilty but it is what it is and in the future just don't enter into relationships with girls you are just okay about. Hold out for the girl you really care for.

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    • I asked the question because like you said, I feel guilty and want outside opinions. There is no change I'm going to make, but I like to have outside opinions. Thanks for your's.

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    • Another way of describing frequent miscommunications is COU-PLE. You don't actually need to explain it. It happens and if it is frequent, better to move on if you have just started dating.

    • I had a feeling you would say something like that.

      To Question Asker: My apologies, my question was related to something else related other question I read earlier that made me think. I was just hijacking yours to put things in perspective in my head. Thanks you two!

  • INFJ's like to know why something has happened. It is part of our defination. As one, it helps me understand and move on... yes it may open up a lot of feelings that I have to deal with but the truth helps me process and a lot faster so I can apply a better understanding to the next situation. I have been stuck for years and years because I couldn't get the why answered. Not saying you need to go back to explain since you have broken up with her now but if the opportunity arises, I would say do it.

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    • And I would also add that she asked you if it had to do with someone else and you lied. Although I agree with one person below who said that isn't what the break up is about (there is more than one reason things don't work out and what we consider important changes), the fact is that you think it has to do with the other person. So you are in fact lying to someone who not only thrives on the truth but also sensed it. With INFJ, intuition is extremely high. We are grown up when we are able to accept what we intuit as likely true without the need for validation or approval while simultaneously being willing to be dead wrong. Until then, someone denying what our intuition tells us is messing with our head. Because it is a strength that is used repeatedly through the day and when we have feelings for someone goes through the roof, it is like someone denying your skill. It can truly derail and teach you to mistrust yourself and your strength.

  • yes honestly I would rather be heartbroken and no the truth than be happy but not know the truth but you shud make sure this girl your less likey to break up with because if you break up with her quickly she might think somethings wrong with her I love your honestly with her tell her your sorry for telling her late but you didn't want to hurt her and that you can't help liking this other girl and that your so srry you didn't work out but wait a while till you ask the other girl out but make sure you keep her interest

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  • No- but if you see her often you and/or will see her when you're with this new girl. This may not be the nicest thing ever, but its a million times better than cheating on her. So this doesn't make you a terrible guy. You should feel bad about hurting your ex, but not for liking another girl and letting that influence your actions. It would be far worse to stay in the relationship but still have feelings for the other girl- you did the right thing, even though there was no one who 'won' in this situation.

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  • I noticed all the male comments suggested this as the right method. Sorta selfish in a sense because it is only looked at from the guy's perspective.

    I'm pretty sure before you two decided to date (since it was only the span of a month) you had some doubt. Myers-Briggs test will measure personality, however, it isn't going to measure how well your next girl will treat you or how she will handle problems in the relationship. As I've done this little trick before, I ended up the one who was miserable and single while the guy I dumped is in a healthy relationship.

    Don't get me wrong, it was a good idea for to tell her you have feelings for someone else. I hope you also expressed to her that the relationship is 100% over and she needs to move on. There nothing worse than a guy who toys around with a chick's feelings.

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    • You..did not read my question.

      I did not tell her I had feelings for another girl..I just said I stopped having feelings for her, and made it clear it was over. This has been the worst breakup I've ever had to do. She just could not would not accept anything. After a total of probably 6 hours on the phone, she's understood it's over.

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    • Cont'd You probably feel something for her, but then don't see how the relationship will work out long term because your thoughts on some matter or unannounced deal-breaker came into the picture too soon in the courtship. But EVERY relationship has an expiry date and people lie -- so don't count on not having problems early-on being an indicator for a lifetime of no problems! How do you just SUDDENLY stop having feelings for someone? This is why people will say that INTJ's are robotic. Were those feelings ever real in the first place? How do you just fall out of love? To me, this is what makes dating or relating to an INTJ to be a very dangerous affair. If you change, and they don't like it -- they won't try to harmonize. They just deem it incompatible. INTJ's rarely negotiate or compromise or try to understand from an emotional/social perspective. INTJ's tend to be poor at conflict management. And what exactly WAS your deal breaker (why you TURNED OFF your feelings)? cont'd

    • Did you explain this to her? And at what point, did she GET IT? What did you say to her, that made the light bulb turn on? ... My suggestion to INTJ's: Open up. See if your thoughts actually play out in reality. Sometimes your thoughts are just fantasy... not grounded in reality! All the best.

  • i think you made the right choice because if you told her she may think something is wrong with her. like think she was boring or something. I've been in the exact situtaion but he got p*ssed and stuff lol you shouldn't feel bad about this decision. I understand how people are sayin you shouldn't of got into the relationship with her which you shouldn't but you ended it before it got to serious. I mena if you waited and stayed with her it be a lie then when it ended she'd feel horrible that you didn't really want to be with her. just don't get into a relationship with his other girl until you and te ex feel better. you are NOT wrong for not telling her about the other girl.

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  • Much BETTER to break up with your current girlfriend to be with another woman, than to stay with your girlfriend & cheat on her. Cheating is never okay, & I wish more guys would just break up with a girl instead of putting her through that crap. Tell your current girlfriend that it's not her, but that you are changing. Do what you have to, but don't cheat.

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  • it's better than you having cheated on her. You are not terrible, just dun mention the truth to her.

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  • INTJ's and INFJ's are Very attracted to each other and are NOT the most incompatible. I'm an INFJ and while I LOVE INTJ's (the logic, and intelligence) they're not very good with emotional and social stuff (INFJ's are) and this is one reason why INTJ's are attracted to us. You really Do and Can learn from us. I do not like INTJ's focus on "compatibility". I believe in "harmonizing" and not "harmony". INTJ's seem to expect INSTANT agreeableness and sameness. And as soon as you perceive "difference" or "disagreement" you start getting your knickers in a knot. Also ust because YOU were thinking it, doesn't mean she felt the same way - obviously she didn't. (INTJ > think. INFJ > feel). You may have been *emoting* something different from your *thoughts*. She may be moving you emotionally, and than logically -- you don't understand why that makes sense... so you go tossing it out. INTJ's are often not compatible with most people (rarest of types). It's you. Really. ;P Having you're whole *heart* into another person would be RARE. INTJ's have their MINDS into another person. They get very "into" a girl/boy at first and then it fades rather suddenly when they realize the perfection they "thought" existed, doesn't actually exist. Also, people lie all the time. INFJ's don't usually. She would have shared her Real self with you rather immediately without knowing you were "judging" her: Sizing her up, and putting her behaviors and traits into "categories" to be weighed and measured for compatibility / sameness (kind of narcissistic?). She failed your test. My suggestion: Go BACK to the INFJ and try to learn from her -- social and emotional skills. Say you have trouble "connecting" with people, and want to grow. You don't have to apologize (because INTJ's are never wrong... LOL -- but wait.. you ARE -- you're wrong when it's related to emotional stuff -- INFJ's are RIGHT in this area... that's OUR strength... yours is logic -- maths and science...).

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What Guys Said 8

  • Girls do this to guys all the time, so don't feel guilty about anything. Enjoy your life, move forward, and make yourself happy.

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    • True, I've been screwed blatantly a few times, I'm just trying to maintain honesty and so if I don't feel something, I don't feel it. Mucho gusto.

  • honestly I would say you handled this situation well. People owe each other nothing. Perhaps in marriage they owe each other some things. But everyone deserves to be happy and fulfilled. Don't worry about her tears someone else will be holding her to take care of that part. If that thought bothers you then you are a fool, if that thought makes you happy then you where definitely doing the right thing. Either way enjoy the new romance and good luck

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    • I appreciate it, and I do wish for her to have someone to take care of her. Her issue is that she says she just finally 'let her guard' down before I broke up with her, and that now she will have even more of a guard up...but that can be a good thing.

    • The guard up/down thing is kind of a last stab, you just have to ignore them... probing for if you care about her at all.

  • Why does she need to know? She doesn't. What is she going to do with the information? Nothing.

    Move on.

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    • Right, very good, I concur; just curious about the 'societal' perspectives

  • In all honesty, I would have told her that I had another woman in mind. I think knowing for certain WHY someone wants to leave me provides closure, as painful as it may be to take. It would really hurt even more breaking up with someone then running into my ex and their new partner shortly afterward.

    I can't really say what you did is 'wrong', because I see where your coming from in not wanting to hurt her more. However, maybe put yourself in her spot. If she was breaking this news to you, wouldn't you wan't a full answer as to why she doesn't want to be with you anymore? Like if she just told you she doesn't have feelings for you anymore, then the next week you run into her with another guy - I'd think that would hurt SO much more.

    Good on ya for not dragging this relationship out though - its not working for you, and its good you ended it. Some people might stick with it and be inclined to cheat, which is really weak. Props dude

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  • Wow that test nailed me to the tee how did you find doesn't work with what ever type

    I got istp

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    • Haha yeah crazy, right? Just google "ISTP" or "ISTP compatiblity" and stuff will come up.

    • All right ill have to see what she gets were very close so should be interesting to see

  • I think you've handled it all fine and your heart's in the right place.

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  • ur an asshole, poor girl...

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    • What was he supposed to do, stay in a relationship with a girl he didn't like because he felt bad about it?

    • He shouldn't have started the relationship if he wasn't sure about his feeling with her.....people's feelings is not a game!

    • Shadow you're an idiot.

  • I wouldn't know, I have never been in a relationship before

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