Me and my ex were dating for 3 and a half years. We have always argued and have screwed each other over so many times. She's gone out to a club and danced with a guy who then started texting her to go out again with him. She'd slap me multiple times to which I ended up slapping her back once and hated myself ever since. I stabbed myself with siccors on my forearm, stabbed my leg with a key both out of anger, she grinded on another guy at Coachella while drunk and proceeded to yell at me when I pulled her away and took her back to camp and she ended up making me cry and get drunk all night (I never drink). At a Halloween party me and a friend hosted she got really drunk and whispered to my friend "I want you to be *my name* tonight" very seductively, i ended up taking her up stairs to pass out and fell asleep with her and reminded her in the morning what happened. I proceeded to talking to a girl online only to bring back my self esteem so I flirted but never more than that and she has held that against me for so long. She was jealous of how close I was to a friend who lived 2000 miles away from me so she asked me to stop speaking with her and I did but hated that. I ended up breaking up with her this passed February, on Valentine's day, which was also our 3 1/2 year anniversary because she cried over me telling her we can't go to anymore music festivals because I'm trying to save money for a car in an angry tone. I just couldn't take it anymore. It was a really shitty relationship yes I miss the crap out of her... why? Why do I still want to get back with her? It was so toxic.