I got done with my first real relationship a while ago.(only lasted a month) we were going to get back together, but that never happened. We broke up because I wouldn't open up to him and we werent really friends. (This is true, because we hardly knew each other before he quickly asked me out. But once it ended we remained "friends". I distanced myself because I still had strong feelings towards him, and he found a new girl. Things became rockey when all I wanted to do was be away from him and he strived for a friendship with me. They broke up three months later and I still steered clear cause my feelings were still there, and then we started hanging out again. I kept myself in check until he crossed the line: he asked me out on a date and cuddled with me, held my hand, and kissed me. (Spanning over a couple of weeks) I could finally feel myself opening up to him until he told me he had been seeing someone, and she was one of our mutual friends. She deleted me off facebook, I contacted her asking why, drama ensued about her claiming I talked sh*t about her when I never have, he got p*ssed off at me, I f***ed off the face of this planet. He told me I never opened up to him and that we are completely different people, and that we were never true friends, and that's why we won't work out and why he choose her. (Which I find false about us being different but true about the others) they are ina relationship now and I'm happy for them. But he still wants a friendship and I just want to be left alone so I can peice my life back together, but what's the point of piecing it back together if I can never open up to anyone?what's the point of living if I never can? Sometimes I feel like ill never be able to be sexual either. Then sometimes it feels like you can only be in a relationship if you know completely who you are. Well what if I don't know who I am, and I can't open up to anyone, and I can't be sexual, no one wants that, so what's the point of living if ill only be alone?
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I have a hard time opening up to people as well. Due to my passed experiences and problems in both my social life and family life I am having, and have had for a very long time now finding who I really am. Loneliness can get a bit of a hold on me and I can act so much different than my normal, bubbly, outgoing, and optimistic personality. I'm terrified of opening up because when I have opened up and trusted people they have left my life, and I no longer talk to them, they are not even a part of my life anymore. This even includes my mother. And as far as sexuality goes, I can't be sexual at all to almost anyone. I need to feel a significant feeling of love in order to find myself wanting to be sexual with that person, I need a strong bond. To make it more difficult, if the other person doesn't feel the same way about the topic I lose the bond I thought I hate with them, it needs to be mutual.
My point being in all of this, is there are those who are as far gone as you think you are. But really you aren't all that far gone, there are people out there for everyone. Our world is filled with diversity, and I'm sure there is someone out there that will not only accept your faults, but love you for them, and you can finally find yourself opening up in a way that will make you happy, and have you understand.1