How to find my purpose in life after break up and baby death?

I basically got knocked up at the age of 19 by a guy who was mentally abusing me and I was lacking love from family so I went out seeking for love unaware of the consequences I'll face in the upcoming time. I am currently 21 I left my ex boyfriend and lost my baby and I've been fighting tears back but a part of me is dead like my motivation for life is gone to complete my further studies, to get back in shape, to get my driving licence and I've reduced work hours to get myself back together but it's been over one and a half year since me and my ex broke up but I still haven't healed. I feel like messaging him and saying" you made your mind up back then to leave us while I was pregnant and I hope your content being the asshole you were and still are "but he hasn't heard my voice during the time I left him or heard from me since I changed my number. I feel heart broken because all I wanna do is hug my baby soo badly and I've tried mending my heart broken self a few times but a few guys unexpectedly broke it over and over again since then I've been staying away from men but I wish I could hug my baby and never let go. I came back from vacation only to cry and to realise that I am strong but my actions aren't justifying it but instead all I keep doing is making excuses to not do things outta fear incase it doesn't work out just like my relationship didn't and to make it worst it was my first pregnancy and it all went down with pain, tear and heartbreak and it was all caused by the man I loved. I have extremely boring friends who aren't like me as I am a outgoing person, I have cousins who I can't be myself around otherwise they'd judge me behind my back and then on top of it my elder sister and family keep lecturing me to work, study more and to somehow miraculously become successful.
How to find my purpose in life after break up and baby death?
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