My ex and I act like we're dating (and we have a daughter together) but he doesn't want a relationship . . .

Me and my ex met when we were in middle school, we dated 5 years then broke up. I got pregnant about a year after we broke up! He has a past record of cheating and lying, just so you know. Anyway he doesn't want to make our relationship official. He says he's not seeing anyone and doesn't want me to either. He also tells other people we're together but when it comes to me he says we're not and and he needs more time! But then he says he knows he wants to get married one day. Am I getting played?Because I can't figure out what's going on in his mind.

Updates:
I am 21 by the way and so is he! Our daughter is 4 months old!

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Well the situation isn't very good for you, but I don't agree with what Ramalama said below. To a certain extent you have to think about yourself, but its your child you have to put first. She is the one that needs her father in her life more than you, so just because he isn't giving you what you want doesn't mean you need to end things and cause a rift in the relationship. He is clearly just protective of you and doesn't want any guys coming in on his territory, being with the mother of his child and seeing his kid, that's why he tells other people you're together, so they don't try anything with you. To be honest, if the baby wasn't in the picture, I doubt he would have even stuck around because it sounds like he doesn't want to be tied down, but his daughter is in the picture now and that is his main priority, he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, but he wants himself to be the only father figure in his kids life. Its understandable. You are getting a fair bit from him, he's treating you better than most guys would if put in the situation, I'm sure he will make sure your daughter and you have an easy life, but I think that's as far as he'll take it. Just please don't ruin it for your child.

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    • I want to thank you for this mature answer. Great remarks, you viewed the issue from a different perspective. I would be surprised if you fail at a relationship :P

      At QA, I think this advice is the best way of interpreting your ex's behaviour, I'm not justifying his attitude nor blaming you for exaggerating the situation, all I'm saying is that you ought to put your child above everything just like he is doing (as missymoo said), and be assured that you are doing the right thing for all of you.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • This is what happens when you get pregnant for the wrong reasons. Now you are in a sh*tty situation that you deserve to be in.

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    • Ok, that was just hateful. Don't spew venom @ someone with the sole intent of being rude. And you're so brave aren't ya? Hiding behind "anonymous"........This site is supposed to be supportive & lighthearted. Don't judge anyone when you haven't walked a day in their shoes. I digress.....

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    • He loves you but he is not ready to settle down right now. He sees you as a future long term commitment. He wants to play the field until he gets tired of it! That's the truth, ask him?

    • Listen, c#nt, I don't give a sh!t about your bastard child. You are nothing but white trash!

What Girls Said 7

  • Darling, situations like this could go on for years and years. He has you right where he wants you & from the sound of things, you kind of like where you're at as well. He tells people you're together to stake a claim on you. Understand that unless it is declared by him, you are not his girlfriend. Doesn't matter how he really acts. A wise woman (Sharon Stone) said "Women fake orgasms, men fake entire relationships." Not to say he is faking anything with you but he's putting these restraints on you but doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. My suggestion to you is to decide if you want to continue helping him "play the role" or whether you want something REAL in your life. You guys are 21 which is still very young. And while your pretty face and body are still intact, I personally, would go find someone who is willing to talk the talk AND walk the walk. Good luck, doll! Hope this helps. :)

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    • actually I hate where we are at. I tell people I am single because I am. If he doesn't want to make it official, then I'm not gonna pretend to others. . . I can't control what he says but I can control what I say! ya know!

  • Have you asked him why he acts like this? What's he say?

    I think if you can't figure out what's going on, it's because he doesn't want you to. And if he doesn't want you to figure it out then to hell with him! There are plenty of men out there who know what they want, and know how to go for it.

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    • Missymoo is right, when I said to go find another guy I didn't mean dismiss him altogether because as Missymoo said, your daughter does need her father in her life.

    • of course my daughter always comes first! Anyway he says the reason he does not want to be "official" or whatever is because I don't trust him all the way. . . he says if we jump in too fast then we will fail, which could be true. . . but it also just sounds like something a guy would say to keep a girl waiting, that is why I am so confused!

    • From my perspective looking in, it really sounds like your call. If you want to wait and you can put up with not understanding why he does what he's doing, then maybe he'll come around. It's hard to say because it's apparent you don't trust him (or you wouldn't be questioning his behavior) but I also understand your frustration of not knowing. If you know you trust him already, then you should let him know. His reaction to what you say will be telling in which direction he wants it to go.

  • You two are a little too old to be playing house. I also think you're old enough to know he's acting ridiculously.

    Sounds to me like you're giving him too much control and waiting around for him to decide what he wants. I say decide what you want, and take action.

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  • Well the best thing to do is think of wats best for your daughter. Do you think he wld be a good father? There is no reason you have to be stuck wth the guy wth the bad past you said he has. he shld change his way for the better of his daughter. So if it was me I wld not be wth him but wld not keep keep his daughter away from him.

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  • I think you might be getting played its always extremely sad to hear there's a child involved, in a not stable relationship... But then again if he says he's not seeing anyone and tells you not to he must care a bit... I just feel for the child.. Just make sure what ever he decides to do put the child first no matter what :)))

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  • sounds like a game of cat and mouse Girl there are so many out there even if you think its impossible at least date or be seen with someone else if for no other reason than to drive him crazy Unless he is psychotic then you should hide

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  • He's definitely just as confused as you are.

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