I wanted to know what's really happening because he keeps contacting me. What does he wants?

Well my ex-bf broke up with me last july, after 6 years. I know, time has passed for me to heal and forget about him. For the couple of weeks after we broke-up I couldn't stop looking at his e-mail account and FB page. I started doing this again (I did that like a year before and found out some suspicious messages of him and one of his co-workers, he said there were jokes), this time I didn't find anything, well I just think he deleted everything.

Then I started looking at his girl friend co-worker FB and Twitter and just started to link everything to him. I found out that she was writing stuff similar to the way he talks and thinks. And started to put quotes of movies that my boyfriend and I used to see a lot, she hated to read and now she posts that she is reading this and reading that. I think she's just being like a robot or just trying to be like me. And that just made me sad, anxious and I started to cry.

And now that I decided to not snoop around my ex started e-mailing me almost every week. Just to say hi, and what he's being doing, and his new job, and articles about political and social stuff that we used to discussed. But I just ignored everything because our break up was bad, he treated me bad and almost like I didn't exist. He kept sending e-mails and texts, and that triggers me to know if he really wants to get together with me and is not hanging out with that girl. Well I decided to look at her Twitter and there I see more stuff that is like he was talking or I was talking. This girl has no personality of her own. I found post of movies she watched (some of them were of what used to be our movie collections). Oh God I was back to my insomnia, anxiety, heart break... I said to myself, you have to stop doing this period.

2 months passed and I was feeling great, still thinking of him every day, but focusing on my work & Ph.D. But he kept sending me e-mails of stuff he saw that I might like, links of videos that I might like, news articles, places where he thought he was going to see me, telling me that he wanted to know anything from me, that he wanted to pass by to bring me some mail that are still arriving at his house (we used to live together for 4 years). I haven’t answered to anything and keep ignoring him.

But his approached towards me made realized that he's still hanging up on me and there I started again to search if he is really sad and trying to get over me or if he's hanging out with this girl. Well I found out that she hangs out at his house every week and she post pictures of stuff at his house and here I'm back to day one.

This has to stop. I need to heal and just ignore everything; if he really wants to be with me he has to say it or come to my house with a boom box and a Peter Gabriel song ha. But I think is better if he just keep going on with his life and just leave me alone. But why he keeps doing this? If he's with her, why he keeps contacting me? Why I just can't learn to stop looking?


Most Helpful Girl

  • Okay, if you are working on a PhD, you have got to be a smart gal. So, I am going to give it to you straight up here.

    Cut all ties and walk away.

    Stop snooping. Go completely No Contact with him. Tell him to stop contacting you and then delete anything coming in from him.

    You are obsessing over not only your ex but also his GF. It is very unhealthy for you, and also borders on stalking (since you are accessing his emails without his permission).

    What you're seeing on her page and emails and FB is proof that what you thought were special jokes, lines, and sayings between you and he are also things they share. So you feel violated that he's taken something that should be special for just the two of you and is also sharing the very same way with his current GF. The truth is, you'll never know if that was also something he shared with his Girlfriend before you! Yeah, I can see where it hurts you. But do yourself a favor and stop looking. Because the more you look the more you'll see this, and it will only hurt more.

    You two broke up. It's behind you. Keep it there and move on, girl!

    • Don't after this pain that I always feel, I'm going to cut my fingers if I get tempted to snoop around. ha ha Sometimes I say to myself, Ilsa, you have a good job, almost a Ph.D., published work, involved in social activism and for this damned break up you are acting so immature. I just can believe myself of the things I have done. But yes I'm going to a real NC, because even though I don't respond to his texts and e-mails I still feel this emotional attachment and snooping is not part of real NC

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What Girls Said 5

  • Hey doll! I hope this message reaches you in good spirits. Ok, so here we go, first off, you have got to decide what it is you want. If you do not want him back, flat out tell him that & find someone & something to detour your mind & to fill the space where he once occupied. You're torturing yourself with the snooping & looking through everything. He clearly has a situation with this other woman that does not allow him to be in your life the way you would want him to be. You need clarity. And the only person that can give that to you is him. If you feel like you want to have the "discussion" with him then do so. And if the emails cause you to remain "open", either block him on social networking sites & email or politely reply & ask him to stop contacting you. From the sound of things though, you want him back. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. But during this period of break up & healing, it doesn't sound like you have dated anyone else. I know some won't agree when I say this but, the best thing to get over the old is to find something new. Male/female interaction is key during this point in your life. This can also be a platonic male friend. I stress the importance of a male because a good male friend provides better insight during breakups than women. Sorry, ladies. I love you all but it is a fact. Since we are more emotional we sometimes give advice based on that emotion that only sounds good @ that emotional time. But proves to be unwise later. We exchange emotions telekinetically. Its part of the sisterhood! So the moral of the story here is ultimately, YOU have to be the one to decide what you want. But while you're figuring it out, stay BUSY BUSY BUSY! Good luck, doll. Hope this helps. :)

  • And by the way, imitation is never as good as the real thing. Anyone will tell you that. Have confidence in knowing that although she may imitate you, she could never duplicate you. She is a cut rate version of you. I hope this makes you feel confident enough not to worry about her being a factor. :)

    • Thanks. I have great confidence of who I am, what I have accomplished and my personality and taste. But this break up threw my self-esteem to the floor. But I'm working on that. BTW that girl always wanted to be my friend when I was going out with my BF. Se said that I was smart and wanted to know how I knew too much about things and why I love the things that I do. She envy me. She will never like me and he's going to realized that sooner or later and maybe is going to be too late for him. :)

  • Let him keep moving on with his life. Maybe things aren't going good for him and his girlfriend so he is trying to get back in good with you in the event of their breakup. Do not be his rebound or spare tire. If he wants to get back with you and is "in" love with you, he wouldn't have a problem coming right out and saying that. Give it more time and keep moving on.

    • Thanks. I'm going to keep focusing on myself and my things. I'm not going to be his spare tire. We were together for 6 years and I just think that he didn't appreciated what we got and maybe it's too late to rekindled our relationship. I have to think that is his lost not mine. That I'm unique (and I think that he knows that).

  • About two years ago, I rekindled a relationship with an ex from many years ago. He had told me that he was separated from his wife. He lived in a state where there's a lengthy separation requirement before you can file divorce, and it made sense. I should add, it was a long distance thing between he and I.

    He said he was trying to divorce amicably with the wife, and so I wasn't surprised that they were FB friends. But the shock came about 4 months into our rekindled relationship, when I saw on his FB page where she posted one of MY favorite (and unique) lines! I clicked to her FB page (her privacy settings were low), and I saw more of what I thought was mine (her favorite books, quotes, music were things I introduced him to), and the final sting was a picture she had posted of the two of them all lovey dovey in a sweater I bought him!

    I dumped his married butt that very afternoon.

    • I understand completely. My ex & were together for 6 years and during this time I taught about music, about books and about movies. During are time together we learn a lot about new movies and had a huge movie collections with movies we bought together over the years. And I feel like he's making a robot out of her. The worst is that this girl wanted to be my friend when I was with my ex, and she always asked how I know a lot about books, movies, music, politics and always envy my knowledge.

  • LOL, you sound like me. I check my ex stuff too. I realize its not going to help to get over him. We broke around the same time you guys did. I still love him a lot but I know he does care about me because he would show like your ex is doing.

    Honestly from what I am reading you still want your ex but you don't want him with this other chick. I think that you are getting a kick out of this whole thing. You are jealous about the same movie collection and how this girl is treating your ex. If you didn't want to be with him anymore what she is doing wouldn't cross your mind.


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