Moving on Vs Holding on?

Hi all,

Something I’ve been thinking about allot of late is the double standard that seems to exist between someone holding on and moving on. Now in theory I know we're all supposed to be strong and independent and not needing anyone, so when you're in a break-up, then its "sad", but you're supposed to flit onto the next chapter soon and healthy like.

The issue here being, when your in love, its totally overwhelming, its amazing, it makes you smile for no reason and life is simply great. You are the living embodiment of what all those songs have been going on about for ages and you never understood before.

Then, one day (I’m going to use my situation for an example here if that’s ok), you break up, it's their idea, but the reason's are decent. Be it family stuff, moving away or a bunch of other things. Basically no one has done anything "wrong"…

Now if you hold on, try to make it work and "fight " for the two of you and it works, its seen as amazingly lovely and the stuff of Hollywood dreams. If you "Fight" for the two of you and their not wanting you to, for whatever reason, then you're seen as a desperate loser who can't move on. Essentially doing the exact same thing, with the exact same motives can equal two utterly different outcomes depending on what the other one decides for you?

I'm about to make my effort to at least stay in touch, a “hi, hope all is good, update on life letter” after a "good" breakup and I’ve not heard from her since (it’s been 3-4 weeks). But I’m afraid of how this coin flip will turn out.

We're supposed to give our everything to a relationship, but when we do and it doesn't work we're "supposed" to be unfazed and move on seemingly like nothing ever happened... Does this strike anyone else as unfair? My friends seem to be getting annoyed with my being upset or missing my ex (its not like I’m crying at work or anything, I just obviously don't look all smiles at the mo).

There’s no real point to this, other than wanting to say out loud what I’ve been thinking for a few days. Should my ex not want to be in touch, whatever the reasons, then I end up looking a saddo and damaging my memory to her, if it works, then I either keep in loose contact with someone important and maybe have a chance to have an “us” one day? All or nothing essentially…. Thanks for reading; I hope this made some sense?

Updates:
Thankyou for the replies received so far. I've just reread what I wrote and it does ramble a bit. having people's input is really helpful. thank you.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • A good rule of thumb for breaking up, no matter the situation, is space.

    You should be proud you tried, there are so many people who don't try in fear of losing their dignity and look where it gets them: what-if's.

    Although you haven't succeeded, whether or not to give up is up to you. Don't come off strong if you want to fight for her, make it obvious you have your own life and you're becoming a better person now that you've broken up -- make yourself irresistable.

    I'm facing a similar problem and I tell myself my favorite phrase from a song everyday, "I should've proudly claimed that oh my head's to blame for all my heart's mistake."

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What Girls Said 2

  • I wouldn't say you are expected to move on right after a break up, everyone gets a grace period and the longer you were with someone, the longer you need to move on. However, you shouldn't hold on for too long... and many people do because they find it hard to let go. And while it is very hard to let go and move on, at some point you have find a way to move on and start enjoying life again. It's unhealthy to pine for someone constantly.

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  • Moving on is better

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What Guys Said 1

  • this is something that I'm going through myself. I've tried and failed many times with my ex but I can't let go cause of the sick sense of hope I still have in me. my situation is a little different as she's with someone else now and in both cases I'm the one that's messed up. she forgave me and I messed up again. I deeply regret but I guess I can understand where she's coming from if she doesn't want to hear from me again. the only thing I can say to you is go ahead and do whatever your heart tells you to cause at the end of the day you will only regret the things you didn't do. when you have done something, in this case write her, the action is put out there and you know you've tried rather than not trying at all.

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