I’ve been dating the same man now for over a year. We are both over 40, have our own homes and even though work is really tough right now we both have had successful careers and will again. We spend most of our free time with each other and have a great time together.
Problem 1: I want desperately to be in a committed relationship and maybe a family however, he has never spoken of wanting to have a lifetime commitment or even a committed relationship with me even though I have brought up the subject in the past. He says that he doesn’t want to date anyone else but I still can’t help but think I am just someone to spend the time with until he finds someone else or gets back on his feet economically. In past relationships being committed and thinking of a future together have be brought up by my boyfriends in the first 3-months.
Problem 2: Going out to an occasional dinner at a nice restaurant and getting nice presents on birthdays and Christmas is what makes me feel special and cherished in a relationship however, the best I ever get is Chipotle for our date dinners and gifts on the line of blankets and cheap trinkets which make me incredibly sad and left feeling that he doesn’t think I’m worth more than “cheap”. I’m not looking for someone to ‘pay the bills’ since I can easily provide for myself and don’t expect anything out of his budget. I live pretty frugal and feel that special occasions is a way to reconcile with friends and loved ones. He sometimes makes this sound when he pays for something which makes me feel very guilty for accepting that $3 beer or $5 burrito, etc. I’m tired of ordering water and off the dollar menu out of guilt. ps: I don’t want to sell him short, we do have our occasional date night and usually dinner is at his house about once a week (I usually cook all stay-at-home weekend meals at my house).
Additionally, I’m selling my home and looking for a new place to live but he has never offered his home to me short term or otherwise, even after my ex-boyfriend invited me to stay with him as a roommate and another out-of-state friend offered me a place to stay.
I just don’t know what to do with this relationship. I care deeply about him and can’t imagine not having him in my life. I just don’t know if I want to invest possibly years of my life (remember, I’m over 40), give more of my heart just to get it broken. Should I just give up and move on.
Most Helpful Guy
Both of you are over 40s, meaning it isn't likely that you two are newbees in relationships. You spent most of your free time together and those times were great. Both of you are highly independant, relatively baggage free individuals.
He isn't ready to make the kind of promises you need him to make. Thousand of possible reasons. e.g.
a). One year is too short for him to yes to spending the rest of his life with you (Valid, unless you are telepathetic or psychic, you really can't tell what is going on in another human being's head, or what emotional baggage/garbbage s/he is carrying).
or b). He is carrying emotional baggages, unhealed wounds. "Burnt once, fear fire eternally" kind of wounds. (Invalid, it is a person's responsibility to heal him/herself of whatever open emotional wounds before getting into another relationship).
Gifts -- both of you are frugal. Be fair. Have you sent him expensive gifts?
Points to consider : How likely do you think you are going to find someone like that?
Have an open, honest discussion with him. Lay all the cards on the table, faces up.3