A reason to keep trying?

I'm the stereotypical "nice guy" that has defeated every obstacle between me and confidence. From birth till high school I was pushed around, bullied, laughed at, made fun of, joked about, etc.. Rumors were spread about me.. I was the virgin, the small-d*** guy.. Fuck you name it? That was me.. I had glasses, no girlfriend, etc..

Then mid-highschool - I said: I can do better..

I learned flirting, personable behavior, respect, chivalry, patience, acceptance, all SORTS of things that no guy typically gives a girl. I actually tried to be the best guy possible.

Then as of a few days ago till now, a long time friend from this site - which I was interested in but knew nothing could grow from it, so I treated it like a friendship - sent me a comment that I'll never "get it" and that talking to her was pointless.. I continued the conversation and asked her to explain what she meant by saying: "Maybe you should tell me" because typically, if a guy says: "I'm attracted to you" women get shocked or scared (if they are friends)

Now the girl has bashed me over the course of the last 3 messages and further ridiculed my self esteem in the same manor as it was my entire life.

Excuse me for saying this, but it's absolutely f***ing pointless for guys to try SOOOO F***ING hard, to get a girl that they would love to treat as best as possible. Only to realize that their either the girlfriend of these other women or that they have scared the only chance they had off OR that they couldn't catch the f***ing hints.

WHAT THE F***. What is the purpose in being such a night in shining armor for a girl if she can't show an ounce of appreciation?

And no - it's not the type of girls I'm approaching. I've had best friends from childhood I've approached, I've approached girls from bars.. I've approached strangers.. I've approached girls which are in my classes.. I've approached and approached.. But not a single girl that is beautiful in both body and mind, whom I've approached, has shown me that girls of that statute like genuine and good hearted guys.

I'm honestly one of the few men I know who aren't overly sexual - yes I tease, yes I flirt, yes I do a lot of things which I had to build into my personality to not be a nice guy anymore.

The typical response is that I have issues - no f***ing sh*t, we all do, but I deal with my in my own way - no one sees them unless I want them to be seen and in real life, that never happens because I'm the go-to-guy. I just want a little support and I can't turn to my friends because my mind is so locked-tight on being ridiculed.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • Friends can be assholes.

    They teased my brother the same way and I never got why he stayed friends with them. As for being ridiculed; I guess I can only say, as clich├ęd and melodramatic as it sounds, people really only do continue when they see a chink in your armor. The less they think they can hurt you the less they will see purpose behind trying.

    A reason to keep trying?

    Because when you find someone who you can completely be yourself around; without self consciousness and fear of social faux pas's regulating your every move, the feeling is amazing. But I'd probably say online with people who may be far away is definitely not a place to look for that person. The fact you actually haven't met them almost depersonalizes them when they want to be angry so it's easier to cut off ties. More than that, if you know you can never meet, even a friendship in itself is tiring to maintain; you have different friends, different lives, very few commonalities to refer to; it just makes it hard to sustain that kind of relationship.

    Meanwhile; you say you have defeated the obstacles between you and self confidence, but have you really? I can honestly tell you girls can tell if you have a lot of insecurities without you saying a thing; On seeing that, it almost immediately puts you in the friendship zone. It's not a lack of weakness, because I guess we all have our deeply ingrained feelings of inadequacy but women indeed do like to date guys who seem completely confident; in other words assholes or good actors.

    As for being the nice guy; I'd like to say differently but they very rarely do come in first. Don't get me wrong being a nice guy isn't a bad thing, but being too nice is dangerous. Don't ever let someone take your presence for granted. Acceptance is all good and fine, but there's somethings we do specifically to p*ss you off; to get some sort of impassioned reaction. Not getting it will either lead her to believe you don't care or that she can walk all over you. Neither is highly compelling. Every person has the capability of getting too comfortable in a relationship. Too sure in it's constancy and sometimes just bored with that surety. I'm not saying don't be a nice guy. I date the nice guys, the untattooed, overly-studious, argumentative bbc news watching, introverted ones. But I'll say I wouldn't date them if I thought for one moment I didn't have to work for my part in the relationship. I like when a guy isn't afraid to contradict me. Tell me when I'm being ridiculous when I deserve it.

    Pretty much what I'm saying is don't let it ruin you. You'll be amazed how much damage changing for this sort of thing would do. I tried once and by the time I realized it was too unimportant too care, I couldn't make it back to where I was. I'm still not there yet. Be a good guy; honest. Keep your promises. But don't be taken advantage of. She takes you for granted. Leave. She's a bitch? Call her up on it. She wants to walk? hold open the door.

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What Girls Said 4

  • You know that if you give up, you won't be happy. That's why you're trying in the first place. I don't know what that girl was referring to when she said that you don't get it, but she could've had a valid point. You're listing all these examples where girls weren't interested and pointing at girls, but you're not going to find that many girls who all have the same issues and don't appreciate guys. The common factor in all of it is you. Obviously, you've been trying to improve on things, but you're a knight in shining armor in your own mind, you're not standing on the opposite side and seeing it from the girls' perspectives. All you can do is continue trying to improve. Look at mistakes you've made in the past with relationships, look for patterns with these girls who weren't interested, and try to work on those points. I don't think anyone ever reaches a point where they're done improving themselves, there's always something that could use work.

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  • I read all of your question twice lol and you sound like a really good guy, you just haven't had the best of luck. Yeah we do all have issues lol but like you said handle them urslef unless you want someone to interfere. But I mean I don't want to tell you that you just haven't found the right person yet because I'm sure you don't want to hear that, just like I hate it when people tell me that. Just keep trying because at some point everything will work out, trust me, and if I'm wrong you can come punch me lol but if you don't keep trying, one day you'll regret it. Just believe me there are tons of reasons to keep trying. Hope everything works out for u. And sorry if I wasn't to much of a help.

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    • You were more of a help than you realize. Sometimes when we "post" questions like this - it's more for support than advice. I know what I need to do and I know that I learned a bit about women from this girl. I just don't understand how something so little means so much, and how something so little could turn a great girl into what men perceive as a bitch.

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    • Thank you. Such a decision would be honorable on her behalf, we're all trying to learn, especially me. Sometimes my inner-child can get the best of me because I too treat situations the same, double jeopardy really bites me in the ass. I'd have to learn how to be more respectful of her emotions but I can gaurantee I would try my best as much as it hurts to breathe due to me not understanding her sensitive side because I've blocked out my own.

    • it really can't hurt to learn that. not even for her, but for yourself and for your future girlfriend.

      all the best,

      x

  • by he way, this is a cool song... no, not in my humble opinion, it just is! ;)

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVWNDG9Z7Jg&feature=player_embedded

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  • how can you make such a fuss over a stupid bitch that you met on this site? she's just a girl. that you met online. I bet it'sy easy to forget her. I mean, honestly, how much could an internet bitch possibly mean to you? your not supposed to care about her enough to let it frustrate you. especially if you were just friends. why is this question about relationships anyway?

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    • Most people may perceive her actions to be a bitch.. Shit, that's what I thought in the moment - but after I had some older friends point out to me how much of a d*** I sounded like, and I got to thinking how cool that girl was.. I put two and two together to realize that this girl is one of a kind and I treated her like DIRT... A girl of that caliber doesn't need another sperm-donor in her life, she needs a man. The man I'm learning to be, despite what everyone says of being yourself.

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    • and you're very welcome :]

      thanks for giving me best answer. it's a shame that crap got best answer though haha

    • oh and I forgot to say use your intuition to pick who you want to fully trust and let see all of you.

      i don't want you to get hurt, you know :]

      there's evil bitches ou t there, but you already know that.

What Guys Said 6

  • I can understand, appreciate and sympathise with that sense of overwhelming frustration and pessimism which comes with having endured so much ridicule and rejection, having encountered so much of it too throughout my own life- such that I am on the whole emotionally distant and very guarded.

    Ultimately there is no easy answer, no quick-fix solution to such a dilemma except to say it is a matter of patience and changing your motivations for acting as "white knight"- that is, instead of wanting to be chivalrous to be regarded in a positive light, do so because you respect yourself; perhaps, and I by no means mean any disrespect, this otherwise admirable behavior is being construed as desperation or pandering for acceptance.

    That said, keep doing what you're doing, be the "bigger person" and ultimately positivity will see things change for the better. In the interim, devote that energy borne through frustration towards self-improvement so that way you have something to show for yourself should a positive development reveal itself.

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  • I'm a similar kinda guy. Try not to be disheartened, you're still young and there are a lot of great girls... There will always be many reasons these things just don't work out... she doesn't want to settle, she's immature, she had a ulterior motive, etc. Obviously she can find faults in you as well. But you're a nice guy, there is no point changing that. You'll have the same problems. If you try, at least you have a chance to find the girl for you, but if you don't try then that just means you'll definitely end up in the situation that you don't want to be in. After every break up I feel like nothing will make it better, then I meet someone who changes that (for a while at least, I too have to keep looking) in the end I forget about why I was upset, and have to accept that's the way it was, being upset over it got me nowhere. You have to move on, which is difficult of course. But it has to be done.

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    • Thank you jonny. Hah, finally you've gotten a chance to repay the advice I've given you. Crazy how the shoes switch. Thank you man for answering, I just never get old of this sh*t apparently. I know you're right but getting past it doesn't seem to remove it from the future. God man I wish it were that easy but you're right - one foot after the other, never look back. Thank you for the words of wisdom.

    • :L I know it's about time. It's always bad at the time/it's always darkest before the dawn. I can't tell you how many times I've felt like this, looking back I do miss them. But I don't regret it, I'd never have met half the great girls I have if things didn't go the way they did.

  • as I read part of this thread I noticed a dating ad that said. "Nice guy do FINISH LAST. Learn what you must do with women." hahaha how appropriate for this thread. alright dude ill start off by saying your right, being nice showing you care and actually trying does not work. there are 3 girls who come to me and cry about their asshole boyfriends and how they don't do anything to or for or with them and that they wish there boyfriends were more like me. I've got a coworker that I complain to about my girlfriend and the other day it hit me I'm just like those girls. they wish that their boyfriends were sweet and nice like me but they don't realize that once they get that position as my girl theyll get inured to it and not care or try anymore. the reason is, at least I think, that once someone realizes that their boyfriend or girlfriend likes them more than you like them they immediately lose interest. so fellow nice guy, my advice to you is, stop. don't care or try or show too much interest in a girl in the beginning and slowly grow into them then show your true self, relationships require time always will. girls don't want a guy that can be nicer than them or that has more depth than them. so go into asshole mode, because its the only way

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  • Man don't let anything get you down, just let all their negativity go to waste. You don't have time to let their problems effect you. They say nice guys finish last, but if that's true why do all the women say all the good ones are taken? Also, how is your approach I mean you could be going at it wrong. Combat their offensive behavior with niceness. Know exactly who you are, if someone asks you what you think about yourself, tell them what your not. They'll figure out what you are. If there is a chick complaining about how all guys are the same to you, tell her that your the self appointed representative for the other 1% of guys and you plan to stick up for the unrepresented minority. Get to know who you are and once you think you have a good plan on who you are, don't let anyone change it for anything. Unfortunately that unrepresented 1% door swings both ways, so just know that your odds may be 1000-1 but, those are still pretty good odds. Now you might have to work on your approach a little bit, personally I wouldn't just come out of the blue and tell her I'm attracted to her, I might lay it on slow, layer it up a little until they know you do before you even say it.

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    • My approach is jaded and hurt from all the past - what I think is humor is more "angry" in tonality.. I had another buddy give me his insight and it's the truth after I re-read it.. My own mind couldn't put 2 and 2 together that I wasn't being fun. I'll work on it man, thank you for the tips. If you have anything to throw out there let me know... I have no problem with confidence or being personable, it's when I attract women through those types of incongruent statements where I have problems.

  • sadly man I have just decided while there may be a few good girls out there it just isn't worth it anymore.

    Their all bitches to me and I can no longer ruin my life by struggling and failing to get their approval

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  • Well I don't know if you've moved on from this dilemma, but I'd just like to add: link

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