Can you love someone yet cheat on them?

My husband and I have been married since 2003. We always had a great relationship. We communicated well, had a great sex life, and always had lots of fun together. I always thought I was the luckiest woman in the world. Last December, however, my husband came clean with me about a problem he had with p*rn. I was devastated about it and felt like I wasn't enough for him. Yet I knew he was sincere with his apology. However, after he told me, he felt unworthy and disgusting and fell into a deep depression. He was in therapy and on medication and I was having a hard time understanding why our life was no longer good enough for him. He was so unhappy and I tried everything to help him but nothing worked. About 2 months ago he finally opened up to me about what the real problem was. Apparently, a casual conversation about sex with a co-worker led to her giving him oral sex (this happened last December right before he told me about the p*rn). In June we moved to a new state, so he does not see the co-worker anymore, and he swears that he never spoke to her again afterward. I know that he feels horrible and that he has put himself through hell for this (his actions since it has happened tell me that), but I just don't know if I can get over it. He says he is so sorry and he wants to make it work. And right now, he is doing everything right. But I just don't know if I can get over this. I don't know if I can forget about the fact that he was able to do that to me. I feel as though he was willing to risk our marriage and he was willing to give me up in that moment and I can't forget that. He says he was never willing to give me up and that he doesn't know what he was thinking and he regrets it, but I can't forget that in that moment he forgot about me and didn't care about how his actions would make me feel. All for quick blow job that I would have gladly done for him. I am also really upset that it took him 10 months to tell me. He said he wanted to so many times but he just couldn't bring himself to do it - especially with all of the anxiety and depression he was dealing with. But when he told me about the p*rn, I asked him if there had ever been anyone else and he said no. And he let me leave my family and friends to move to another state for his work, without giving me the choice. It is all so hurtful and I don't know what to do. Can you really love someone yet betray them in this way? Can our marriage really work?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Yes, you can love someone and cheat on them.

    No, you can't be fully committed to someone and cheat on them.

    When your husband cheated on you, he was not committed to you and your marriage. He might be committed now, but it is what allowed him to cheat.

    I don't see p-rn as a type of cheating. Sorry, I'm not on board on that one. But definitely the co-worker was cheating.

    Does your marriage have a chance to survive? Only if YOU go into therapy. It's not just his problem, but yours. You wont' be able to rebuild a happy marriage until you let go of the resentment hurt and then forgive him. A long road, but it's necessary for your well being.

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    • I never thought that the p-rn was cheating. But I did feel betrayed. I was upset when he told me, but didn't feel like it was something we couldn't get through. My husband and I are both going to counseling (together and apart), but I just feel stuck and don't understand how you could do that to someone you love.

    • If you felt betrayed that he ws viewing p-rn, you felt deceived. That's not too far from being cheated on, is it? My personal viewpoint on p-rn is that it's fairly normal and common. If my man is chosing p-rm over me, that's a different matter. Well, if he's spending lots of our money on the p-rn yeah. But it is certainly not in the same league as the co-worker incident.

Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • Sex is not love. Sex is sex... it's fun, enjoyable, and yes, it's something you do with someone you love, but it ISN'T love. In fact, most men feel this way, at least my circle of male friends. Women seem to think that love and sex are one in the same... they are not.

    I think you guys are in the right direction to work out your marriage. I mean, at least he told you... I know people to cheat and DON'T tell their spouse, both men and women. It's really all in your hands at this point if you feel that the relationship is worth saving. If you feel betrayed, that's normal. If you can get over it, that's great, but if it's something that's going to be on your mind forever and you feel betrayed and lose trust for the rest of your life, and this changes the dynamic of your relationship, then maybe it isn't worth saving... It's all about how YOU handle it and if you can get over it or not. Good luck to you.

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What Girls Said 1

  • yes, I think your marraige can work.

    the real question is, are you going to harp him on it and treat him bad?

    If you still remember it and dwell on it, then you might have some issues with it that you need to deal with.

    hopefully what you believe that he won't do it again, will be true.

    that is the first part.

    the second part would be to totally forgive him, which means you need to not bring it up ever again and not harp him on it or treat him bad at all because of what he did.

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    • Thanks. I don't harp on him...sometimes I pull away and am reserved. It's not on purpose though. I guess since I haven't forgiven him yet it still happens though. I don't think he'll do it again. He was miserable all of those months after it happened (when I didn't know), but a part of me does wish he would have told me sooner so that we wouldn't have both gone through so much pain while he was so depressed. I just don't understand sometimes how he could have been willing to give up what we had

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