Why would my ex boyfriend date a girl who is everything he hates?

My ex boyfriend of 2 1/2 years broke up with me because is was considering quitting my job to better care for my kids. He wouldn't let me move in with him because he wanted us to get a house that was "ours" not his or mine. We had discussed marriage and kids not even a month before we broke up. We never even had a major fight. We got along great. Now he is with a girl who doesn't have a job. He let her move in with him immediately. She doesn't have anything to do with her kids. Not to mention she is very ugly (not just my opinion). Why would he forget about all of his standards?


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What Guys Said 2

  • Rayannon --

    That's rough! I'm sorry you are feeling left out in the cold. A couple of possible perspectives for you to consider. First, relationships rarely come down to who is "pretty" and who is "ugly". When I saw you write that, my impression is one of jealousy -- you are angry that he selected her over you (clearly) -- and you can't believe he finds her more attractive. Lose that. I doubt that factors in to his decision at all. For a guy who is looking for a serious long term commitment, looks are COMPLETELY SECONDARY. Which brings us to the next point -- after the intial excitement of any romance ebbs, you reach a plateau. You have to decide what you want and why -- and from what you wrote, I am guessing that your guy decided you were not what excited him or kept his interest. This is not uncommon -- a guy will build a long term relationship only when he feels there is a shared interest and that you excite him...if he is not saying "I wonder what she's doing now?" and "I can't wait to do XXXX with her" then you will have problems.

    Now, you won't be happy all the time, and nothing is perfect, of course. But given what you wrote in your note, it is clear to me that, after a time, your boyfriend was losing interest and did not want to move in with you -- he wanted to disengage. He was losing that initial connection and eventually, there was simply nothing left for him. This new girl may or may not have the connection he needs (sounds like he is in the infatuation mode at the moment), but as a rebound, it serves to pique his interests and make him feel alive and excited again.

    He did not forget about his standards. He wanted to live again, and felt he could not they way things were with you. Understanding this is key to (a) finding a new relationship or (b) trying to win him back.

    Sean

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    • Thanks for your honesty. The last 2-3 weeks he said he missed my motivation and drive and I was Never one to give up (like quitting my job.) Yes, I am angry that he chose her after me since she does not have a job, does not have anything to do with her kids. She's still married, she's cheating on him with her husband, she's been fired from jobs for stealing, and it hurts to know that he is letting himself get caught up in all that.

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    • He and I were friends long before we dated. We still share a lot of friends. We haven't talked in @ 3 months because she is jealous. I'm worried about him. Why would he give up on everything he also deemed as so important. He's different then the guy I've known for 10 years. I don't want to say anything to him because I don't want to be the bad guy and push him further away. I honestly thought he would've come to his senses by now. He was always a guy to stick to his values. I still love him

    • When the outward conduct of a person changes (such as you are describing about your former boy friend), usually you have to look deeped than the surface conduct. What changed? Something in his own life was (a) not being met by you and/or (b) changed fundamentally and he needed something else. Excitement? Was he threatened? These are things you have to look for. Stop judging his present actions (for a moment) -- look at his life as a whole.

  • All the signs point to a rebound relationship. He left and is not thinking straight. He will come to his senses. Why didn't he want you to quit? is it because he would have to support you?

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    • No, he wouldn't have to support me. I am vested at my job and would receive a monthly stipend and my ex husband pays support. My ex boyfriend met me when I was a bartender working through college 10 years ago. He didn't want me to give up on my hard work and accomplishments.

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