How do you know they're over the ex?

I've been 'going slow' with my new man for about 2 months. We met on eharmony and he told me from the start that he needed to 'go slow' - meaning only talking perhaps once in the week and seeing each other on the weekend.

This weekend we saw each other twice (shock horror!) and his sister told me that I was invited to the family BBQ on Sunday, but as this would be 3 times in one weekend he said it was too much for one weekend.

Besides the fact he has asked me on a 2 week holiday in the new year - strange that 3 times over one weekend is too much..

Anyhow, talking to a few of his friends partners last night at a party they mentioned he is so shattered by his last breakup that this is why he is needing to 'go slow'. This girl gave him no reason, it was just ..over. No reason, no nothing. And this is why he is so hesitant about a new relationship, because he hasn't had that closure from the last.

My question is - how long do I need to hang around to get some sort of commitment? Really, nothing would change (except the communication hopefully!) if we were an item.. We are doing everything that a couple would, his family view us as a couple etc.

My concern is that I am the rebound.

Little lost. Please help. I realize I am over analyzing, but I really like this guy and I believe I'm onto something here.


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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 1

  • Hmm, I'm in the beginning of something, just after a month of being broken up to, so maybe I'm in the right place to answer:

    For him, being "in a relationship" truly means somehting. At least, it means enough that he won't be on one just for convenience, just to not be alone, to endure the holidays, nor just for sex. When he uses a lable like "girlfriend" it means he has feelings for her.

    And it turns out, that after a girl you were in a relationship with, breaks up with you, it's not that easy to "fall in love" or even "develop feelings" for another person. It's not that he is still into his ex. It's just the way his heart works, it can't be forced.

    He was honest from the get go and said he needed to go really slow. That was not only to care for his heart, but to care for yours too. That tells me he wasn't looking for a rebound. If he had he would not have said "need to go slow". au contraire, he'd have gone really fast, pressed for sex, and rebounded nice and easy. But no, he want's more than a rebound, and that's why he needed to go slow, so that it can be more than just a rebound.

    So you need to stop worrying about wether you will get a label, or become "an item". That's not the goal. The goal is to be happy, not to get that relationship official. So you need to focus less on relationship labels, and more on let him figure out and to figure out yourself if each of you, with all your goods and bads, is the right person for each other.

    If you are the right person for him (2 months = too soon to tell), then when he gets to know you better and discovers that you are right for him, he'll want things to evolve and try to make them work.

    and if you are not the right person for him, or he is not right for you, then you wouldn't want to be in such a relationship anyway.

    The thing is: it doesn't matter if you are the rebound or not. What matters is wheter you are right for each other or not. If he seems to be genuinely trying to figure that out (instead of just keeping his freedom to see/date other people) then let things flow. Don't ask youself. don't pressure. If you feel you are crazy for him, don't try to "show him you are" so that he returns the favor. That won't work. Just be nice, kind, loving, caring... and if he eventually says the words, he'll really reaally mean them.

    and if he says "I'm sorry, this isn't working out", it will be for the best and he will be concerned about causing you any hurt.

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What Girls Said 1

  • I'm sorry honey but it does sound like your a rebound...

    He's trying to start afresh and says lets take it slow...at the same time he's wanting to enter the world of dating again with yourself and a holiday adventure to escape from it all...it also looks like he needs his friends and family around to get over the ex. I really hope that they are his guru and not you! (trust me, been there)

    I think its best to give it time.. if you are willing to go along with that then that's fine...just look after yourself too.

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