Can I forgive my wife for getting drunk and cheating while I was in Afghanistan?

So, me and my wife of 3 years were having serious problems ever since I deployed to Afghanistan. I got jealous of seeing her partying and taking pictures with other guys all over her facebook. She says and I believed her that she would never cheat on me, then out of nowhere she said she wanted to be separated for awhile because she didn't know what she wanted with her future. so 3 months go by and again she says she wants a divorce. I was in so much pain overseas not being able to communicate with her that I decided to go home and get divorced. I fly home and talk with her and we both agree on a divorce is what's best for both of us. So after my lawyer handles all of the necessary paperwork, I fly back to Afghanistan. I get an email from her saying to call. I do and she is crying saying she never wanted a divorce and just couldn't tell me face to face that she got drunk one night and slept with another guy. I will always love her and am hurting more now than before. Can I forgive her and accept her as my wife again?


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Most Helpful Girl

  • Only you can decide that. Being in the military and married in addition to it all is very stressful and difficult. Both of you feel lonely, there is a void but that is only part of the bigger picture when a loved one is deployed.

    Understand, loving your wife alone is not enough to remedy your martial issues. I think you need to ask yourself: Can you honestly forgive her and move on? Is she truly remorseful and is she as willing as you to reconcile? What can you both do together, as a couple, to rebuild your marriage across the miles? Is your wife willing to explore options open to her while you are deployed to occupy her time in a healthy way? For example, support groups on post for military wives, groups that put care packages together for deployed troops as pick me up or who have no family, possibly go back to college, volunteer her time at a school or hospital?

    Sometimes, as a divorce is almost finalized, couples realize the 'finality' of it all and decide not to do it. They still want to make it work because there is enough there to salvage. You need to decide if you fall into this category and can move on accordingly.

    Good luck to you and thank you for serving in the military.

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What Girls Said 9

  • Everyone is different. Some people are able to forgive the one they love for hurting them in such a way. And some can't find the way to do that.

    I think the real question is, if you do decide to forgive her, can you forget it too and never hold it against her? Can you move on from it and return to loving her the same way you did before?

    I've known people who have forgive their lovers for cheating. Some of them, it didn't work out...and they cheated again. Others, regretted their mistake enough to never make the same one again and they learned from it.\

    Maybe you and your wife could try starting over somewhat. Try to take things slowly. This way, she could EARN your trust back. But, you have to love her enough to want to do that and to want to forgive her.

    I'm very sorry for your pain and I hope that whatever you decide to do you can find a way to be happy with someone you love and who can be faithful to you from now on out. You deserve that. And, thank you for your overseas service in Afghanistan<3.

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  • Once a cheater always a cheater and being drunk is no excuse. I actually have a few friends that this happend to. not exactly, but they went away, they were in the army, and their wives filed for divorce while they were over there or their girlfriends broke up with them. even though they eventually came home and got back together with them, it ended up badly anyways. one is now getting re married to someone else and the other is just dating new people, while his ex has a new husband, and is cheating on him with his bestfriend.

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  • my brother went through basic training for the army(and some other stuff) so he was gone a while and his wife got really lonley, she got pregnant right before he left so she had to have their first baby alone he was across the country(before she moved on base with him) so on top of depression, she was really lonley and missed him. she says she never did cheat but I don't know. what I'm getting at is she was probably missing you a lot and was depressed and lonley and on top of that, drinking can really mess a persons head up so I really think you should talk to her. what I would do if I were you is talk to her and explain you love her and are hurting a lot but you know the situation she was in and everyone deserves a chance..things happen... people make mistakes, sure having sex is a decision but can be a mistake from state of mind or whatever. so id just talk to her and let her know if you do accept her back it can't happen again or you won't be so forgiving because she had a chance. cheating is never OK not even in her situation, but I can kind of understand. I probably would have stuck it out, but I probably would have been tempted. good luck

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  • um love can get you past anything but the wound will never heal because no matter what happens it's gonna come up but I say no because she disrespected you in many many ways you did nothing but trust her and love her for the woman she was or was supposed to be! I'm against the cheating on any man but wen it comes to cheating on a man who is putting their life on the line and fighting for our freedom I say NO! but then if you really love a person you can get passed the mistake that she has done but think about it if you get back together and wanna get remarried and you now know you cnt trust her if you have to deploy again don't you think the whole time your deployed will be nothing but fighting and you assuming that she's cheating because she's done it once? its hard and it's something you need consider because you could still get hurt and you dnt want to put your life on the line fighting for our freedom while your gf/wife is out there having a blast blowing money tht you earned and probably sleeping with someone else. it's happend in my family and I kno how it feels because its happen many many many years ago and my cousins still bring up in a fight so think about once a person loses trust its very hard to earn it back right?

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  • I don't think you should accept her apology. What she did is wrong. You were married. and she made a promise that she wouldn't cheat on you. I know she wouldn't like it very much if you posted pictures on your facebook with a bunch of other woman. That's just an awful thing that she did to you. Once a cheater, always a cheater. People who cheat will cheat again in the future even if they see they aren't going to. People can change though. If you really love her, and deep down you believe she is truly sorry than maybe give her another chance. But your relationship will be totally different if you get back together. You'll never be able to trust her and things won't be the same. Hopefully I helped and sorry to be so negative. Just trying to help :)

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  • Awwhhh' your a sweet guy. and I think you can accept her again as long as she promises not to get drunk anymore. and you should bring her with you to where you go.

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  • Well, I think it's a good sign that she confessed and apologized, but I am a little skeptical of her excuse. Being drunk is the worst excuse for cheating. When a person is drunk, they are feeling good and choose to cheat, they know what they are doing. If she was black out drunk then she would be in no position to have sex unless she was raped.

    So, the fact she was using that as an excuse is bothersome, but its up to you to decide if you could trust her again, based on how much you know about her. You need to think seriously about it because only you can decide if she can be trusted again. If you can't come to trust her, then you should stay separated.

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  • I think so... it will take time to build up trust again, but it's possible. If you love her then you should stick with her. Things might not get better until your home.

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  • I don't think you should. I think the best thing for you to do is just to let her go. You should be able to trust your spouse to stay faithful to you even when you aren't there. I think if you took her back you would constantly be wondering if she's actually telling you the truth. I know it may be hard to do, but I think you should let her go.

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What Guys Said 8

  • Are you serious? Why would you basically re-marry a girl that divorced you? ...especially one that parties and f***s other dudes while you are dodging bullets and IEDs? She wants you back in her life because she is selfish and misses having money, stability and everything else that came along with being in the military -- she basically wants to re-enlist.

    Come on dude, she made you fly back to the other side of the planet just to give her a divorce so she can hurry up and be done with your ass and now you want her back?!

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  • The answer to your question is no. When you marry someone, you took/swore an oath to forever be with that someone in your life. When that oath is broken, it can never be the same or feel the same again. Once a cheater, always a cheater. And another reason, if she was your wife she should tell you everything-that there should be no secrets between you two. When you flew back home, she should've confessed that to you while you were still there back at home, with her no matter how bad it was but she didn't. Isn't that odd? You just have to let her go man. After your service is over you can start searching again. If you forgive her then take her back. I wouldn't. All the best and thank you for your service in Afghanistan. You deserve better than her.

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  • I'm skeptical.

    She does all that while you are away putting your life on the line?

    Doesn't seem like she's 18 anymore, she should get her sh*t together and know what she wants in life. She already changed her mind a few times and made promises she hasn't held.

    Some people deserve to be forgiven but they have to earn that.

    Best of luck to you!

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  • Ouch man, that's a tough one. The advice that I have is just from my perspective but I think she is beyond hope. Not only does she seem to not care about how you feel (regarding the partying and all the other guys), but she definitely doesn't care like she says if she gets drunk and has sex with somebody else. Being drunk is no reason or excuse, but let's assume for a second that it is. If she knew that there was a chance she might cheat if she got drunk, then why drink?

    I say that you should separate from her because she doesn't seem to be ready for a marriage, let alone respecting somebody else. I know it's probably hard for you to consider but she doesn't sound very mature.

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  • A wife who causes so much stress to a combat soldier serving in a war zone overseas? That stresses the soldier out, and not only puts his life in danger but also jeopardizes the lives of the men around him.

    Worrying about why his wife is suddenly out whoring it up with a bunch of jackasses at nightclubs while he's risking his life for the very liberty that allows her to enjoy those meat markets is akin to treason. And traitors should be shot!

    Well, maybe that's too harsh. At least keel-hauled. Oh. We don't do that anymore? Why not drop her into Kandahar and see how much fun she has with the Taliban?

    Seriously, it was so disrespectful of her to even put herself in a position where she could get drunk and bang a guy. Obviously she doesn't care about the marriage as much as you thought she did, and she obviously doesn't care too much about your life, either! She was very selfish, and cheating is ultimately an act of selfishness, and that's behavior that takes a lot of work to change (hence "once a cheater always a cheater").

    So the question is, are you willing to put up with her cheating? Because if you get deployed again, she will probably do it again. And again.

    Personally, I wouldn't put up with that.

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  • Sure you can forgive her...That's a "choice" you have to make, live with, and accept all that comes with that choice. But she has to be honest...Both of you need to be honest with each other. A "woman" doesn't go out get drunk and cheats. Before she has ever left the house she already knows if she would cheat or not. Women are not men, period. She didn't love you that much and was out there having a ball enjoying herself. Did she go out that night "alone?" or did she go out with friends? What happened to her friends that night if she started out with them? My point is this don't let her blame her actions on "I was drunk." It is false and to be honest I wouldn't be surprise if it wasn't the first time or if she had other sexual encounters with the same guy.

    You two can get passed it and move forward but it needs to be with honesty, acceptance of actions, and forgiveness.

    Sincerely

    Old School D.

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  • This is kind of an old post but I'll post anyways.

    What kind of situations does she now put herself in to remedy the mistake and loss of trust?

    That is an extremely important question here. SOOO many spouses cheat when their loved one is deployed. I've seen it WAY too many times. Her break to figure out what she wanted sounds like she may have found a new love. That new love foiled and now she wants the one sure thing she knows she can have, you. It is easy to convince girls do to make bad choices while they are intoxicated. Especially when they are already EXTREMELY vulnerable because they are lonely. Booze was her wrong way out and she may realize that now. Communication is key. Her ultimate reassurance must meet YOUR needs. I don't imagine Afghan is very accomodating. Best of luck Soldier. Keep your head low and watch your six.

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  • If you drop her, you'll be in a world of hurt down the road.. trust me on this one

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