HELP. How do I stop social media stalking?

My ex dumped me a few months ago now and I can’t stop myself from checking in. We lived together, had just celebrated our 2 year anniversary, everything seemed great and then he blindsided me with a break up. Made it fb official with a girl from work 2 weeks later. I have blocked them both and tried to just move on with my life the best I can but I can never seem to resist checking in. Even though it means unblocking to do so. I’ve made it a few weeks without looking but then again, today, for whatever reason I just couldn’t help myself. I know it’s not good, it helps nothing, but the urge is just too strong. This time I got my slap on the wrist for it. Found out they’re already saying “I love you” to each other. Why do I do this to myself 😠
Updates:
Do you just come here to kick people when they’re down? Charming. You’ve been soooooo helpful but I’m done with this conversation.

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Most Helpful Guys

  • Now, this is appropriate use of anonymous option. Substance, something bit more serious.
    Heh. FB official. I stil smile at that. FB is a social network. It's a lot of code designed primarily to get info about you, to sell that info to our corporate overlords and to sell you stuff from them. Yeah, and in the mean time, I guess, you can have your profile there and do stuff. Share some info about you, which the code of FB is more interested about than your friends.
    Now, do you see, how silly is to be FB official? :-) So that information is stored on some servers in many copies. Aaaaand…? That doesn't mean anything.
    You're thinking about him, don't you? That's why you keep watching him. Think about something else. Something close to you. And every time, realize where that road, which you are preparing to go, leads. It will always be hurtful, it will not help you. So…why do it? When you already know the result?

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    • Haha I do agree it is a bit silly. But, it is a relationship milestone nowadays and it holds some significance.
      To me it’s just a slap in the face... a literal space for a relationship label with someone’s name, that a mere two weeks earlier had mine there. A very real feeling of exchange. Anyway... I ask myself those same things every time. Mostly I can resist. I know it’s just harmful to myself and my process moving on. There are just times where the curiousity is so strong. Or I talk myself in to thinking that I should be numb to it. Working on finding a consuming distraction though. I think it’s become the most popular alternative. Hoping it works.

    • Society is so stupid. :-D
      I've been where you are. I get it.
      Distraction works, sure. But maybe you need something better than distractions though. Something to work on.

  • Then, this seems to be a symptom of a larger issue: You're not yet fully over the end of your relationship.

    Externally: Perhaps, you'll find more success with a change of strategy, like crowding-out this non-option with better, more fulfilling tasks: Hang-out with people, start a new hobby. seek-out new friends, take some online lessons, learn a new language, etc.

    Often, since our time in a day is fixed to the same 24-hours, removing a habit is just de-facto replacing it with something else. Perhaps, doing so intentionally will help.

    Internally: Are there any unresolved issues that are causing your subconscious, intuitive, emotional drive (s) to push you into this?

    Yes, it sometimes takes time for the emotions to catch-up to the mental decisions/directives, especially in the case of a sudden stop from the 2-years' worth of emotional momentum. But, if there are any further, apparent/unapparent issues accompanying it, that will make it worse, so identifying it/them for an attempted resolution should help.

    Did you mention successfully not checking for 2 weeks before this (series of) lapse (s)? Was there no urge (making you think you were indeed getting over him), until a sudden tsunami? (What triggered the sudden urge?) Or was it a constant battle, with the urge collecting (like in a dam) for 2 weeks, until you reached your limit? (Again what what was the urge's trigger? And any specific triggers for the dam's cracking?) Identifying your triggers might help you.

    Good luck!

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    • Oof. Well there were a lot of things unresolved about the end of this relationship. I didn’t see it coming at all and he pretty much tried to blame everything on me when he split... he was uncharacteristicly nasty. I never would have expected it from the person I thought i knew. I only found out about this other girl after. It definitely left me with a lot of “wth just happened” feelings. So... yes. Letting go of that is hard as well. Closure would be lovely but we don’t always get what we want. I would say it’s more of a constant battle but there just happen to be moments where I’m weaker and it gets through. There are also moments where I somewhat convince myself I’m strong enough to see it, and that I should just look and numb myself to it. (Backwards I know but in the moment it seems to make sense) I will definitely be on the look out for specific triggers. You’ve made some excellent points, thank you!

    • I'm glad I could help!

      That abrupt end must have been tough for you. Either you couldn't recognize the warning signs (which can be fixed) he's a sly fox (which makes it good that he self-selected himself out of your life)… or both. And blaming it all on you? That's low. It seems that the basis of his relationship with you was the feeling of infatuation (a hormonal-high from higher levels of prolonged physical contact-triggered oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, etc. whose high effects last maximum of about 2 years, when the finally body develops sufficient tolerance to neutralize it). Infatuation should lead to love (the conscious decision/final, 1-time commitment), not "be" it. It seems that's not his concept.

      Yeah, it seems our minds also know how to use reverse psychology against us.

      Good luck! I hope you find a better guy in due time.

Most Helpful Girl

  • He left you and you feel hurt rejected and powerless. You keep stalking him because deep down you hope he might be alone and miserable and deep down loving you like Edward did with bella at the twilight movies. The truth is for some reason he wanted to end things with you and I personally believe he met her before he asked you to break up.
    By stalking him every time you see him happy you want to cry. every time he says I love you to her your heart aches. You must stop. You will do this by admitting to yourself that it is over. no oh maybe he will come back to me. Nothing ! He moved on and you must remind to your self that this story is over forever with not a chance of reconciliation. This way you will seek elsewhere someone and probably move on faster than you believe now.

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    • Maybe some irrational part of me wants that. But what he did and the way he went about it (details I didn’t even mention here) were unforgivable. I know it’s over. Realistically and logically I do not want him back... but you may be right. And there may be a little irrational, hopeless romantic voice wishing for reconciliation. But I still don’t know how to silence it.

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    • Luckily for me he has no interest in contact either. It hurts it doesn’t seem to phase him at all but I am greatful I don’t have to battle that too. I can only imagine how hard that must be. I definitely appreciate your input! I may take you up on the message 😊

    • Thank you for mho

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Have an opinion?

What Guys Said 17

  • You're still hurt and angry and not able to get over this. The thing is that you've suffered a loss, it's almost like you're grieving. Everything in your life was going ok and then out of nowhere he blindsided you and took away from you the relationship and emotional security that you had. I think you need some counselling or therapy to help you move on. I wish you all the best.

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    • It is slowly getting better, and it is longer and longer each time that I am tempted to “check in”... but yes. The feelings of betrayal and loss sting and are still strong. I have recently gotten in to therapy and it is helping, but it’s still a process. Thank you for your kind words.

  • It ended before you wanted it to and it completely sucks, Im in a similar position, I have to really focus on something else to stop the temptation to look. I agree it's hard but it will get easier to stop looking

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    • Definitely. And that I never saw it coming. AND then the moving on so fast, like it meant nothing. 😞 It is longer and longer each time I’m tempted to look but ugh.. it really is so hard. I’m considering taking up martial arts as a distraction... and to feel a little empowered haha. Well good luck to us both!

    • Yeah it's not easy and good luck to you too

  • Are you doing so in hopes he might have changed his mind about her and maybe having thoughts of coming back to you?

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    • I think mostly the feeling closest to that I have is that I wish he felt some sort of remorse for the pain he put me through. But no. Realistically the way he went about things were pretty unforgivable. I still have feelings towards him but a relationship now would not be feasible and I know that.

    • Yeah. Well I think it's in your best interest to just cut all ties to him, cut all and any type of reminder of him, and try and move on from his hold on you, even if it's subconscious.

  • Well all you can do is unplug your internet for a while. It is an addiction you have.

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    • It is. And I hate it. I’ve never been successful fully unplugging, going off social media and internet previously... but I’m seriously considering trying hard this time. I don't know, on one hand it gets rid of some temptation and puts up more road blocks, but on the other it gets rid of the great distraction it provides also. 😕

  • By realising that anything that happens there is actually irrelevant.

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  • Delete your account or maybe hang out with people who will help you get through the hard times

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  • Its hard you did not give him ip je gave you up which makes you the blessed one

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  • I would say to try and focus that energy into finding a new healthier relationship or hobby

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    • Definitely agree with the hobby! I am in search of that for sure. I think a new relationship would be foolish though, as I’m not ready and might hurt someone else.

    • That sounds like a good plan. Good luck

  • Simple - Drop off the grid.

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  • Go off social media.

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What Girls Said 5

  • try to focus on self help, and watch Anna akana on youtube and then pick up some books:
    -you are a badass
    -the subtle art of not giving a fuck
    -nonviolent communication
    -rich dad, poor dad
    -think and grow rich

    etc... then just journal and go join meetup groups online and talk about self improving...

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    • Thank you!! I will definitely look in to these books!

    • You're welcome!

  • You should move on I think... if you don't think that much about them, you won't feel the urge to check probably

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  • Just don't go on his profile and concentrate on your life and move on from this, appreciate the time but it ended, accept it and move on

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  • Set a realistic date. On my 24th birthday I told myself, this year - I am not going to check my exs social media. If I wish to check when I am 25, fine I can. But until then, I am not going to.
    And its difficult but because you've set yourself a specific date (one year) it's easier to follow than going I will never EVER check ever again. (That's too much pressure on yourself and can be unrealistic) The idea is to be kind to yourself, and in a eyars time, who knows you probably won't care much about their life to check anyway.
    Good luck!

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    • That is a really good idea! A really realistic way of thinking about it. I really wasn’t sure what kind of advice i would get here, but this has been really helpful! Thank you!

  • Girl move on and get a back bone

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    • Look, half a year ago seeing a post like this I’d probably say the same thing... but I thought I was going to spend my life with this person. We were extremely committed or at least I was and he apparently was really good at acting like it. You have no reason to believe me and don’t know me, but I’m normally fiercely independent... and this shattered me. I’m seriously trying to move on, hence the reason I’m here.

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    • Well I’m glad you’ve seemed to master the art of just shutting off your feelings, but I haven’t.

    • U have no choice. He never cared about u obviously

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