Girlfriend continues to talk to ex-boyfriend.

I know this has been covered before, but I have a little twist on the situation. I have been dating a girl for about 18 months. Things are great except that she continues to talk to her ex...frequently (like once a week on average, sometimes more). She was up front about this at the beginning and said that they are still really good friends and really close. She broke up with him after they dated for 2 years. I tried to accept the situation for what she said it was, however, I learned more later. Several of her friends have made comments that her ex wants to get back together with her more than anything in the world. Whenever she goes back to her home town, they get together to meet up and hang out. Recently, I have started to visit her home town with her...so I offered to have the three of us hang out together. I have made this offer several times only to have this other guy decline saying it would be "too awkward". The ex's new girlfriend even broke up with him over the situation, after he said that his "friendship" with my current girlfriend was "more important to him". The bottom line is, I'm convinced he still loves her and wants her back. I've even heard about him saying negative things about me during their phone conversations. I told my girlfriend that I wasn't okay with her carrying on this "friendship" when one of them still has feelings for the other...all she does is cry and say that she can't just drop a friend like that from her life. She has recently decreased the frequency of their phone conversations (which routinely last an hour or so) but it still feels so disrespectful to me. I have two questions...why is it so important for her to keep talking to him? How can I get her to understand my perspective? Help, I really love this girl and I would appreciate both male and female perspectives on this.

Updates:
Just to clarify. I tried to be okay with the situation (and probably would have been) if all of us were able to hang out. Him thinking its "too weird for all of us to hang out" makes me feel like the whole situation is too weird.

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Most Helpful Girl

  • This is a tough one. On the one hand, if she really feels so strongly about their friendship, you will only hurt her if you demand that they cut off contact. On the other hand, why does she feel so strongly? And why is she with you and not him?

    I've been married for 15 years now and am still close friends with my ex. We talk or text several times per week. He is married too. We both have children with our spouses. My husband and my ex were childhood friends. They still talk occasionally, but I think it's obvious that the ex and I are close. My husband and I have discussed it at length. My ex's wife is a great woman and mother. She knows that her husband and I are friends (we were in their wedding), but I think she would flip out if she knew how often we talk. Or the depth of our conversations. If I'm honest, I'm having a long-term emotional affair. We have never said anything bad about our spouses, though. In fact, the few little things we've mentioned (petty discussions about dinner, in-laws, house-hunting), we've each ended up defending the other person's spouse.

    I just can't let him go. Crazy... after all these years. I will admit that there's a sexual tension there, though. We don't acknowledge it, but it's so thick you could cut it with a knife. So why am I married to my husband and not my ex? I don't know why. Not initially. But I do truly love my husband. He's a good man. A great man. A good father. My best friend. And there's no song-and-dance like with my ex... it's just straight-forward. My husband adores me and tells me so. And I'm so thankful that he hasn't asked me to give my ex up. It validates me in a strange sort of way that I can't quite articulate.

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What Girls Said 3

  • It sounds like you've given the guy a fair shake at being friends with your girlfriend. You need to approach her calmly and clear the air about this. It seems clear that he has feelings for her and you would like to know if it would be possible to decrease communication with him to some degree. Not to cut him off completely, but to maybe back off a bit as the other guy may be getting the wrong idea about her availability.

    Good luck with her!

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  • You three need to hang out and talk this out, weird or not, It's off if he will hang only with her and not with you too unless there are still some feelings for her.

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  • get rid of her!

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What Guys Said 1

  • This is a hard relationship to deal with, but you need to talk to your girlfriend and really convey your honest feelings to her.

    Yet, don't blame anyone or make her feel guilty. Just be sincere and understanding of her as well. Try to ask her about what makes her ex important to her and what he means to her and in turn, don't try to make her choose.

    It's hard to accept that an ex would still be talking to your girlfriend, but there are reasons for everything and it's easier for us to see a situation and make it unfair in our point of view.

    However, if you truly care for her, then the first thing you should do is be with her and love her unconditionally.

    Understand her and never stop understanding her.

    And understand that love can be lost and if you fully understand that you'll appreciate your girlfriend more for it and understand how her ex feels as well...

    Good luck.

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