Should I tell him I cheated on him? I feel terrible, even though my actions took place before I had decided to stay with him.

It was at the beginning of the relationship when I wasn't even sure if I wanted to be with anyone, about a month or less in. However, now were almost half a year in, and I'm feeling guilty over it--especially since it was with his best friend since his best friend and I were having a fling before I even met him. Do I tell him I cheated? I feel terrible, even though my actions took place before I had decided to stay with him.

  • Tell him.
    Vote A
  • Don't tell him.
    Vote B
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Updates:
Thanks to everyone who helped, not so much to those who called me filthy... Anyway, told him, and he has chosen to stay with me (for those of you who cared for the outcome). You were all so helpful :]

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Most Helpful Guy

  • If you're really serious about this guy - and it sounds like you are - then you don't want to bear the burden of this through your entire relationship which could last a long time. The fact that you posted this question shows that you have a conscience. This guilty feeling isn't going to just go away. So tell him...before you get in even deeper. Obviously you gotta seem very apologetic and upset and anxious so he knows you really do know it's a big deal. Hopefully he'll appreciate your honesty and accept the fact that it just happened once, 5 months ago and you've been faithful ever since then. Good luck hun :)

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What Guys Said 11

  • You feel terrible, so would you rather keep it a secret and live in misery forever about that decision? or be honest and get it off your chest. You can explain it just like you did, and perhaps things may not be so bad seeing as you weren't committed and such. It's your decision though.

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  • You have No right to decide whether or not you are now oh so moral and in love enough for this to not matter

    only he has the right to decide whether or not he should want to be in this relationship, with all the facts available.

    however, we all know you are just going to do mental gymnastics to rationalize away how you are not a filthy peice of human sh*t & that its okay if he doesn't know, so what's the point of this conversation right

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    • haha REALLY? Really?! Because I call a cheater out for being a POS?

      Wow. alrighty kiddo.

  • You were in a committed relationship and you went outside of that relationship. No matter how you try to spin it, you cheated. You need to tell him the truth.

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  • "the truth will set you free"

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    • If it happened in the beginning before they started to get serious...this wouldn't be a "truth will set you free" kind of situation.

      It's in the past and she decided to stay with him and not with his friend.

      *KEEP IT UNDER WRAPS AND BE (FAITHFUL) TO HIM...I suggest you NOT engage in anything with his friend though...hanging out, parties, convos, NOTHING.

    • secrets are not good, it doesn't mater when it happened, she feels guilty, and the truth will set her free.

  • Yes, you should. Is the correct thing. It's better than him discovering it from another source, don't you think?

    Also can you please answer my question?

    link

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  • Though not always the most obvious or easy of routes, it WILL come back to bite you. Whether that be him finding out the truth later through someone else or you just living with your guilt until it's unbearable and affects your daily existence, you can be sure it cannot lead to good things.

    I've cheated on girlfriends in the past, and trust me, the one thing that actually did kill the relationship, was the lying itself. If you have a true connection with someone and are genuinely in a relationship that you want to continue for the long-haul, honesty is the foundation without which all else is meaningless and void.

    If I would have been honest right when it happened, my life may have turned out very differently and for the better. It sucks that I had to learn the hard way, but you don't have to make the same mistake.

    Be honest, be frank about your feelings, and the rest will be set in motion.

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  • I think you should just leave him.

    Depending on the guy, if you tell him it could potentially break his heart and destroy his trust in women. Do you really want to hurt him like that?

    You've learned a lesson, why should he have to suffer for your indescretion?

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  • You either need to tell him the truth and break up with him or, better, don't tell him anything and break up with him and let him move on and find someone who he deserves who won't be a cheating ho bag.

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    • excuse me...nobody talk like this when a guy puts a question on cheating. I m quite sure you aren't some gr8 saint yourself...

    • Actually, I have. There was a guy who put a question up about this and I answered the same. Guy or girl, if you're a cheater, you're scum. Believe it or not, I really don't hold men and women to different standards. That would be.. hypocritical. I acknowledge there are differences in certain cases (it's usually always just physical), but emotionally/mentally? Both are on equal grounds to me. No hypocrisy here. I hate hypocrites

  • good for you!

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  • You have to clear your conscience. otherwise your relationship will be based on the lie.

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  • Can we just look at the difference from men and women...and men are players? Girls do guys dirty alot

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What Girls Said 15

  • I"m glad you made you mind up and it worked out for the best but here is the thing--How is it cheating if this happened before you decided to be with him and if you met the other guy first? I understand that you were basically "seeing" both of them at the same time but that is the dating game. Guys do this all the time, see one girl, then another , all the while keeping their options open to choosing the best fit for them. Why is it bad when a girl does that? Its not.

    Another thing, you wanted to tell him the truth because it would left a burden off you but by doing so you place the burden onto him. He could choose to handle it well or not so well. It could be initially okay with him and then somewhere down the line start eating at him and then he feels like now he has something to hold over you. Ultimately, it could create a crack in your relationship that will get bigger until it breaks.

    Hopefully he can be mature about it and genuinely move past it without it eating at him til a later explosion.

    Good luck with everything.

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    • Well, we were in a relationship and I kept having casual sex with his friend because I was really waiting on his friend for a couple months before I finally decided to get serious.

      It never really ate at him, though he did snap a few times.

      Him and I are no longer together though, we ended up with a lot of indifferences over a year later. But he did handle the cheating part well, though I never managed to move past it too well.

  • I do not condone cheating & cheaters get no respect from me to be quite fran. But... Do not tell him. It will complicate things, and ruin his trust in you. He will probably dwell on it and you two will break up. It happened once, in the very beginning. Since then you have been faithful and fell in love. Leave it at that. Deal with the guilt, or tell him and risk losing it all. Chances are, he won't see it as a one time thing of the past... It will tear yall apart

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    • So basically this guy who, as far as we know has been good, should stay in a relationship with a cheater when he could get the better relationship he deserves elsewhere? Nah, she shouldn't tell him cause she does deserve to suffer through the guilt for her actions, pain teaches us and makes us mature, but she shouldn't stay with the guy. It might hurt him if she dumps him, but he'll get over it and he'll be better off, even if he doesn't know why himself.

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    • Ya, but it was a month into the official relationship. It doesn't matter if it was before, but being already into the relationship, doesn't matter, she should have been stronger. Committed and faithful does matter, she's proven she can't be faithful, even if it was only at the start. Once a cheater, always a cheater.

    • I'd just like to say it was less than a month in... as I stated earlier... >_> Thought I'd restate that for ya.

  • You and his 'best friend' should tell him. It does not matter how far in the relationship it happened, you both messed up BIG TIME. Not telling him means your relationship is based off of a lie and that is beyond wrong. I feel bad for him because his girlfriend and best friend have been lying to him for the past few months. No one deserves that and not telling him makes anything that happens in the future a big fat lie.

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  • Im so glad he stayed with you & you got it off your chest :) I just hope he does not dwell on it or hold it against you. That was my only fear for you and the reason I suggested you not tell him. Best of luck xoxo

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    • Yeah, I was so afraid of him dwelling on it too, but he seems to be dealing with it and talking it out with me :)

  • you should tell him and accept the consequence.

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    • I think you should tell him the truth, seriously because you will always have a guilty conscience. Then you'll find out if he is that into you or not. If you tell him and he gets upset that is expected then when he calms down and the after effect. If he tells you he forgives you and still wnat to work on the relationship, it will make the relationship stronger in the end.

  • So I read it all and don't worry doll, you are not a hobag. Nor are you a bad person for this. From what I understand, you were not sure you wanted to be with anyone when you two started dating. Alright, well that doesn't make it right and you shouldn't have done it but at the same time, if the two of you had not agreed to be MUTUALLY exclusive, then there is no reason to tell him. The two of you may be mutually exclusive now, but this happened before hand.

    If you want to tell him, go ahead. But be sure that you are ready to take the consequences that come with it.

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  • almost all the people her rooting for honesty wud't have done the same if they were in your position... hypocrites!

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  • Tell him. He deserves to know the truth. Don't be unfaithful AND hide it from him. One screw up is enough. Let him decide what he chooses to do. It will, ultimately, be up to him.

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  • well... the absolutely gr8 thing to do would be to tell him and accept his decision... but not many people have the courage to do this.

    but wats the point of breaking his heart over something you can't change now.. why don't you downplay it and tell him... as in ...u flirted with this guy this that... just cut the seriousness of it by 90%... no need to tell him the details ...just talk about it as a crush... he will be more amenable then

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  • What he doesn't know doesn't hurt him, anyway, if it does come up at some point you can always cover with something along the lines of, "I really wasn't anything, I didn't think it was worth mentioning". And let it go, just leave it as that, otherwise "thou do protest to much I do think."

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  • Always be honest even if it will go bad.

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  • I'm glad it worked out :)

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  • This is a really hard subject. I had this same thing almost. I was with a guy and both of us weren't really thinking it was going anywhere. So I had a guy who happened to be his roommate well neighbor headmate really. We had a thing. He would see us together and didn't look like it bothered him. I figured out I wanted to stay with him and told him. It worked in my favor. It was also the night he lost his virginity to me lol! BUT HE NEEDS TO KNOW! Good Luck!

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  • tell him, the truth will come out eventually and the longer you leave it the more betrayed he will feel.

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  • You were both not "exclusively" when you cheated on him? I mean was he the same opinion? If that was before your "us-time" than there is not a big deal of telling him Or would you tell him about your sexlife with your exes?

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