How do you heal from a relationship ending without closure?

I realize after a whole year of not having said a single word to my ex that it’s true, ghosting can seriously scar you. I think about what he did all the time. Every day even. I don’t sit and stew about it for hours, it just kind of pops up in my mind at random or right before bed. “He did that to you.”
I guess my biggest reason for still being hurt is that I don’t know WHAT I should think about love anymore. I know I loved him for real, but a I don’t think about those “what if’s” or “happy times” anymore. When I think about love/boys/romance/sex or anything related to relationships, like a switch I think about what he showed me about love. And I think of what he did and about how I still have no clue what that experience meant in my life. What was the point of baring myself to someone if it meant nothing at all? I feel confused about if I am remotely important and significant to other people. After all, to my understanding, the end of a relationship is supposed to hurt for both people. It’s not supposed to be something you just drop like a pencil, it’s supposed to feel like something was lost. Even if it was just wasted time. But my ex wasted both of our time on purpose. He insisted I stay a solid part of his life up, begged and even cried for me to stay, up until the very last time we spoke. It was always imperative that I be available to him. He didn’t push for me to leave, he persisted that I stay. And in the end, after all that, he dropped me. That translates in my mind to “if someone you loved with all your heart felt absolutely NOTHING for you after all that time together (over a year), then you mean nothing.” However, those kind of ideas are easily swept under the rug where I can pretend they don’t exist by ignoring that my ex ever existed. But, deep down I really feel that I need to solve this problem for good. This feeling is why I don’t even bother to even think about romance. I just ignore it altogether
How do you heal from a relationship ending without closure?
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