I feel like I played myself. How do I get over it?

Anonymous
I feel like everywhere I go there is a sign on my back that say “Michael’s Leftovers”. Every day it weighs on me but I don’t know how to let it all out. There is no pretty way to explain what happened- no way to sugarcoat the story to make myself sound like a better person. It’s just an ugly and humiliating piece of my past that I want to overcome.

Long story short I was in love with my ex, Michael and things were great until some of his lies came out the closet. I broke up with him but forgave him immediately after due to my guilt over breaking up with him over text and my overthinking the situation to blame myself. After we broke up I kept sleeping with him because I was still in love with him. I didn’t intend to make it a regular thing but it just became that way over time. I thought it wasn’t that big of a deal at first but I eventually had to accept that I still loved him. Months passed before I finally realized I was hurting myself and I left him alone. Then he called me and asked if we could get back together, promising to change and treat me better. I gave him another chance and he ghosted me soon after. I discovered after a few months that he did it because he met a new girl.

So... I hate my past. I changed so much since then I hardly recognize that old me anymore. I was so desperate not identify with the old me that I pinpointed everything wrong with me and changed everything from the way I talk to the way I think. I changed because I thought to myself that I could play the blame game all I wanted but in the end, I did a lot of wrong. I hurt myself too much. I don’t know if I hurt him- I don’t think I did. But that’s the thing- Even when I had the opportunity to choose ME I was giving HIM my all. And if my all wasn’t enough, then what does that say about me? So I act confident and never admit to these vulnerable feelings but deep down I still feel like I played myself and like I don’t know how to get over that.
I feel like I played myself. How do I get over it?
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